7 Ways to Practice Being an “Un-Complainer”

Odds are you’re familiar with memes about entitled complainers who want to “speak to the manager.” But if we’re honest, anyone can be a bit picky at times. A Turbulent Architect (INTJ-T) myself, I am a critical person with exacting expectations, though I’m not confrontational. Of course, different personality types may have their own possible triggers for acting out.

Analysts may have the urge to tell people what’s wrong and all the ways things should be done better. Diplomats may unnecessarily personalize interactions and can be very sensitive to perceived slights. Sentinels want everything to be smooth and organized and might react critically to anything less. Explorers may be so focused on their own needs and interests that they just disregard the rules of polite society.

Any personality type can get a little self-important or snarky at times. But recent circumstances have prompted me to try something different, for the sake of my own happiness and personal growth. I’ll explain why and how, and I’ll offer a few tips in case you want to try it out too. For me, an idea that seems to work is to flip the complaining, entitled customer stereotype on its head.

Seeing Things Differently

Being an “un-complainer” doesn’t mean that you should tolerate problems instead of addressing them. It just means sincerely prioritizing respect, patience, and kindness when communicating with people (especially service workers). But there’s another dimension as well – taking conscious steps to evolve your own negativity bias.

Think about it – how many times have you received competent service and simply went on your way? There’s nothing wrong with expecting a trouble-free experience, but we often take it for granted. Yet we notice whenever one little thing goes wrong. That’s negativity bias. We’re more likely to express a complaint than a compliment.

But what if you shifted the threshold and regarded average experiences as positive ones? “Nothing bad happened, and that’s fantastic!” Practicing that view can change how you interact with people, and more importantly, it might alter your fundamental perspective on life, bringing you a lot more happiness. What is typically taken for granted can become a source of joy, if you accept a lack of problems as a joyful state.

Positive Approaches

The ideas I’ll mention here reflect inspiration drawn from each personality Role group, but they aren’t “either/or” – they can be used by anyone. Which one might work best for you? Try them all and see…

Not sure about what your personality type is, or the meaning of your personality traits? No problem! Take our free test and read about our framework to find out more.

Rewrite Your Assumptions

Figuring things out is an Analyst strength. But entering an interaction with too many established views can bias you against it and limit your results – or set you up for disappointment. I’ve found that it’s better to just prepare myself to figure things out once they happen, rather than assume what might happen beforehand.

With sales or service people, that means being open to the idea that they’re going to be competent and do a great job. State your goals and requests and see what happens before using your cleverness to go on the defensive or offensive. Many people may surprise you, if you give them a chance.

Practice Conscious Humanization

It’s easy to fall into cursory politeness (or, perhaps, to react negatively to someone’s seeming attitude), even for Diplomat personalities. But a deeper sense of understanding can get you great results with sales and service people. Sometimes it helps to think about what’s beyond the veneer (pleasant or otherwise) and all the things that might be going on in their lives.

Everyone has fears, hopes, and stressors, whether they’re standing behind a register or sitting in a call center. You don’t need to know people personally to see them as complete, multidimensional beings worthy of consideration, even when you’re dealing with a problem. Yes, they have a job to do, but we can also cut them a little slack for being human.

Respecting Unfamiliar Systems

No one appreciates order and structure more than Sentinels, but it isn’t always apparent that other people have a system or that it’s any good. But when it comes to dealing with businesses and the people who represent them, there may be very real strictures that we aren’t aware of. Appreciating the constraints in any situation can help you see the best way forward.

Sometimes this means not crushing another person between your needs and a problem, no matter how annoying or unacceptable it may be. It’s often easier to negotiate barriers than break them, and the best guide is someone inside the system – like a service or sales worker. Keep them on your side for a smoother ride.

Explore Options Cheerfully

Of course, no one knows the value of testing boundaries better than Explorer personalities. Whatever the problem is or the apparent limits are, it can be worth seeking alternatives. There’s certainly no harm in asking for help or reconsideration to get what you want, but the key to a positive outcome is often how you ask.

Friendly, cheerful inquiries and gentle persistence can help you push against restrictions without being unfair to others. Make it clear that you’re not criticizing the person you’re dealing with but rather gratefully seeking their kindness – and help to find a solution. The nicer you are, the harder it is for people to dismiss you and the more likely they’ll make things right.

A Simple but Powerful Act

Okay, now for my favorite part! A great way to spread positivity in this stressy, snarky world is to simply offer pointed appreciation to service people you deal with. I’m not talking about just saying thanks and being nice, I’m talking about pursuing a compliment the way that some people (ahem) pursue a complaint. Here are some basic actions that I’ve found to be very satisfying – and make a real impact:

When you’ve completed a phone conversation with someone who offered competent (or better) service, offer to take a survey and give them top marks or speak to their supervisor to compliment the job they’re doing. Doing so unsolicited might just make some underappreciated worker’s day – and help their career.
Write thank-you notes to companies following a transaction, using their internal “contact us” link. Mention what you like and what they did right – a product, a message, even their website design. You’d be surprised who reads those messages and the positive effect they can have.
Leave positive reviews for anything other than a bad experience. Be honest, but find something to compliment, even if it’s just a trouble-free transaction. Call out individuals, if possible. Working people don’t always get much credit for their skills, and you can acknowledge it without resorting to sugary superlatives.

I know, it sounds almost trivial, but I’ve had some notable reactions that said otherwise. People have expressed how rare it is to have a customer who is kind and reasonable, which makes me both sad at that reality and determined not to be part of the problem.

Reflections

I hope all this doesn’t come off as virtue signaling – I’m actually a poster boy for being judgmental and opinionated. But I like to think that by relating positively with someone even (or especially?) when I’m trying to get a problem fixed, I might undo the effects of someone else having been rude to them. It might be a little thing, but when done consistently, it feels good and it can do real good.