A Personality Trait Guide to Escaping the Friend Zone

The Phantom Zone of Love

The “friend zone” is the Phantom Zone of romance. Friend zones are ghostly places filled with desires and disappointments. Unfortunately, if you’re hoping to find romantic love with someone who sees you only as a friend, you are the phantom who may feel like you’re not quite seen. You want a sense of how you can impact the heart of the one you love. All they need to see is… What?

This object of your unrequited love has likely seen what makes you who you are, if you already call each other friends. What can you show them about your personality that they haven’t already seen?

A quick perusal of the web shows no lack of advice for those stuck in the zone. The advice generally falls into three categories:

You’re wasting your time. Move along. There’s nothing to see here.
Don’t get sucked into the trap in the first place.
Buck up. If anyone can form a bond with this person, it’s you! Just keep trying.

The problem with the first one is that someone who is in love doesn’t want to hear that the cluster of raw and intense emotions that has taken over their life is all for nothing. While there is probably some good advice in coming to terms with whatever reality might exist, nobody knows what the future holds. My college roommate persisted in the friend zone for almost four years at university, only to join his “friend” in matrimony soon after graduation. So be honest with yourself, but don’t be too pessimistic.

The problem with the second is obvious. Not all love is love at first sight – maybe all you want is a friend initially. But then you decide to go to pottery class with your “friend.” As you watch them work the wheel, you suddenly imagine the two of you reenacting the classic Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze scene from the film Ghost. You suddenly notice that your friendly feelings have intensified and morphed into something very different. Once you find yourself alone in the twilight zone of mismatched feelings, you realize that there was no way to have planned for that emotional shift. How could you have known that you were walking into a trap? But there you are, trapped as all get-out in the friend zone.

The third appeals to the optimist in me. If it won’t screw up a perfectly good friendship, then why not try? What else do you have going for you in the romance department right now, anyway? It’s true that you don’t want to waste too much of your life tilting at windmills. Still, you don’t want to look back and wonder whether there was anything that you could have done, as the embers of this particular love could potentially linger in your heart forever. Regret is terrible, so let the romantic part of you try for a while – just don’t shut out your inner realist forever if a closer relationship is not meant to be.

Personality Traits and the Friend Zone

So let’s talk about factors around escaping the friend zone with a special sensitivity toward certain personality traits. We particularly want to look at the Extraverted, Introverted, Intuitive, Observant, Thinking, and Feeling personality traits, with a lighthearted touch and a few overcooked clichés. But don’t let that fool you – we hope that you’ll find some helpful nuggets here on how to deal with the friend zone.

Extraverted

When Extraverted personalities discover that a friend is more than a friend to them, they may be tempted to go with some bold gesture, and that’s likely okay – within reason. Keep in mind that holding a boom box over your head on the front lawn has been done to death.

Here’s the thing to remember: there’s a thin line between delightful surprise and downright embarrassment. If you go with the audacious gesture, know your audience. Extraverted personalities would do well to consider the fact that not everybody likes to be part of a show – especially in front of a crowd – and that you probably can’t embarrass your way into your friend’s romantic space.

So pick the right time and place to do this, if you insist. And if you’re flexible, there’s nothing wrong with a warm heart-to-heart discussion of feelings over a cup of tea at a quiet café either. Your love may be fiery, but your way of conveying it doesn’t have to be, especially if your friend is an Introverted personality type.

Introverted

Here’s a rule of thumb for Introverted personalities: writing in your journal is never enough to seal a romantic relationship with another person, not even your best friend. You need to say something and risk a little drama in your quiet life if you want a relationship to come together. Otherwise, your biggest regrets in life may be about things left unsaid.

As an Introvert myself, I can speak to the temptation of waiting for your platonic friend to figure things out. It can seem like the least risky way to approach the friend zone. The person you love might discover one day that they are on the same page as you are. That also might never happen. Therefore, action is advised to avoid waiting too much of your life away.

And in the same vein, trying to indirectly influence the person you love isn’t likely to help either. Going the extra mile and being super nice might pay off. Still, it could just be interpreted as you being a special pal, with no romance anywhere in sight for as far as the eye can see. So go ahead and bring an extra coffee for your friend, but don’t count on that to solidify a love match. Also bear in mind that there are hidden dangers involved with trying to influence the apple of your eye, which might include a little covert manipulation, which is rarely good. “If I do enough to make them happy, they’ll fall in love. I know they will.” The direct approach is usually the healthier approach.

So go all Nike. Just do it. Make that dinner date with your friend. Declare your love. And order some comfort food, just in case. If it doesn’t work out, at least there’s food. If it does work out, congratulations, and there’s still food.

Intuitive

Intuitive personalities rule when it comes to what-ifs. At the first hint of falling in love with someone, they will likely start building that house with a white picket fence, if that’s how they envision the direction of a romantic relationship. (Feel free to substitute whatever image resonates with you when it comes to bonding with a partner. In fact, tell us what that is in the comments below.)

Since Intuitive individuals have such vast imaginations, the possibilities are endless. Getting caught up in the possibilities of a relationship with your friend might be easy. It might be too easy – maybe even a little obsessive.

So how about going a bit counterintuitive? Instead of dreaming and imagining, how about focusing on caring for yourself and your life? Getting to the best “you” in very practical terms may be more helpful than making up a future with someone who may not be in love with you…yet.

Read this carefully: this counterintuitive move is not about fixing yourself to please your friend. It’s about becoming the best version of yourself while waiting for them to wake up and smell the coffee. Focus on practical ways to go up a level rather than feeling stuck.

Observant

Observant personality types are usually pretty down-to-earth. That could mean that the direct approach works for them. Or it could mean that they get frustrated because what’s obvious to them doesn’t seem obvious to the friend they’ve fallen for. So cue the perplexed expression from the friend as the Observant individual in love tries to explain why it’s very clear that this relationship should work. This could be especially true if the love interest possesses the Intuitive personality trait.

Emotions are complex, and Observant personalities, even those with the Feeling trait, may find it uninteresting to dig deeper. And yet, “deeper” may be where the key that opens the door to a love connection can be found.

Since this is who Observant personality types are, perhaps the old “fake it till you make it” strategy may be the way to go. That doesn’t mean that you pretend to like opera if you don’t like opera, or anything like that. It does mean that you might begin to act like someone who is in love rather than someone who isn’t. In other words, act the way you feel. That way, you’re applying a strategy where you are being authentic. How would you treat your friend if you were courting them, to use an old-fashioned word? What would you do differently? Observant people tend to find fulfillment in action and are usually comfortable wielding active approaches.

A word of caution: while this strategy may be useful to some extent, it’s ill advised to allow tactically acting like a romantic partner to do all the heavy lifting. It might get weird if you start showing up with romantic or intimate gifts or make romantic or intimate gestures without providing the context for your actions. It might look more manipulative than meaningful outside of openness and a clear context. A direct conversation will be necessary, and acting “as if” should only supplement that. So use your words and your actions together.

Thinking

People with the Thinking personality trait may be tempted to use rational persuasion on the object of their affection. There may be merit in doing so, especially if the friend they are pursuing also happens to be a Thinking personality type. But love can be complex, and unconscious forces often drive romantic feelings. This can make trying to outthink your unrequited love challenging as you attempt to untangle all the developmental and psychological baggage that goes with falling in love. So you can put away the whiteboard and markers for this one.

Rather than overthinking the situation, this may be a moment to exercise that emotional intelligence that you’ve been working so hard on for personal growth reasons. Try this experiment: set a random alarm app on your phone to go off five to ten times during the day. Each time it goes off, label what you’re feeling at that very moment. If you find it difficult to play “name that emotion” spontaneously (as many of us do), perhaps an emotion wheel would be helpful.

Now for the hard part: share some of these feelings with the person who is keeping you in the friend zone. It may or may not change your relationship much. Still, you may find your communication within your friendship opening up to topics that could lend themselves to your escaping the dreaded Phantom Zone for the greener pastures of romance.

Feeling

The name of this personality trait says it all. Feelings are core to the decision-making and worldview of Feeling personality types. When a person with the Feeling trait falls in love, they often get caught up in the beautiful feeling of finding that special person. If they have any measure of insecurity, falling in love might also produce awful feelings as they battle doubts and anxieties associated with their untested relationship. (This is especially true for those with the Turbulent personality trait.) Add the idea of unrequited love to the mix, and the likelihood of emotional chaos explodes.

If you’re a Feeling personality type who has suddenly found yourself in the friend zone, it might be a good time to take up the practice of meditation, if you haven’t already. Meditation is designed to help sort out mental and emotional chaos. And even if it doesn’t do that for you, the practice is ultimately relaxing. The calming effect may make your time in the dreaded zone feel less tumultuous.

Depending on the other traits in your constellation of personality traits, you may find it fairly easy to talk about your feelings. This is a perfect time to use that ability and use your words. Communicate your feelings as directly as possible. This may not help you escape the friend zone, but talking through your feelings will likely help you resolve the situation more quickly. Then you can either move forward or move on.

And don’t forget that fear is a feeling, and it may also play a part in how you handle your transition through the zone. The best way to deal with fear is to name it, talk about it, and find support to help you deal with it, if it’s available. The friend zone can be scary for many reasons, so don’t discount those emotions. Your self-esteem may seem very much on the line. Deal with any beliefs around that early and frequently throughout your journey.

Take a deep breath and release your superpower, which is all about your ability to connect with your emotions. Acknowledge your feelings, spend time with them, and celebrate or grieve them, depending on the outcome. Show yourself how proactive and emotionally intelligent you can be.

Finding Peace, No Matter the Outcome

One of the tricks to life is to integrate all of your experiences in such a manner that you can move forward in a fulfilling way. That is the trick here as well. Whether you escape the friend zone or not, look for lessons learned and growth opportunities.

If you manage to escape the zone, congratulations. If you don’t, take heart. The future is chock full of unknowns, and many of them will be positive.

Do you have any stories from the friend zone that connect with your personality type? We’d love for you to share them in the comments below.