An INFP Guide to How to Stop People-Pleasing

As an INFP personality type (Mediator), you usually feel everything deeply – not just your own emotions but everyone else’s too. That party invitation you’re dreading? You can already imagine your friend’s disappointed face if you say no. That heartfelt opinion you’re holding back? You can feel it burning inside you, but the thought of creating any tension keeps you quiet.

Your empathy is both your superpower and your kryptonite. It makes you exquisitely attuned to others’ feelings, sometimes at the expense of your own. Your wants and needs might regularly get buried under an avalanche of yeses when you desperately want to say no. If this resonates with you, it’s very likely that you often find yourself caught in the exhausting cycle that is people-pleasing, or putting other people’s needs above your own.

In this article, we’ll take a closer look at why INFPs often fall prey to people-pleasing, and we’ll share how you can stop putting your own needs last and why doing so is so important.

This article on INFPs and people-pleasing is part of a larger exploration. Discover more in our comprehensive article “People-Pleasing and Personality: Exploring Why We Put Others’ Needs First.”

Examining People-Pleasing Tendencies in INFP Personalities

The unique combination of personality traits that INFPs bring to all of their social interactions often causes them to engage in people-pleasing behaviors.

As mentioned, deep empathy lies at your core, and this often allows you to feel other people’s emotions viscerally. Their disappointment becomes your disappointment. Their joy lights up your world. This emotional resonance creates an instinctive drive to protect others’ feelings, sometimes before attending to your own needs.

This might be why 83% of INFPs say they usually say yes to things that they don’t want to do out of fear of disappointing others, according to our “People-Pleasing” survey.

Turbulent INFPs (INFP-T) find it particularly difficult to break free from this behavior. Our research reveals a striking contrast: 88% of Turbulent INFPs say they worry a lot about what others think of them, compared to just 33% of Assertive INFPs (INFP-A). This significant gap helps explain why Turbulent INFPs might be more likely to put others’ needs first.

For Turbulent INFPs, the fear of disapproval combines with their natural empathy to create a perfect storm of people-pleasing behaviors. Their heightened self-doubt makes them more likely to sacrifice their own needs to maintain harmony, while their tendency toward self-criticism means that they more often feel guilty and blame themselves when their relationships feel strained. This makes escaping from people-pleasing patterns especially challenging for them, as every attempt to set boundaries can feel like they’re risking the approval that they deeply crave.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Sometimes putting others first creates beautiful moments of connection and support. But when people-pleasing becomes your default setting, something vital is put on the back burner: your well-being.

Chronic people-pleasing often leads to burnout, damaged relationships, and a diminished sense of self. You might find yourself going through the motions of friendship without feeling truly seen, agreeing to things that drain your energy, or building connections on a foundation of what others want rather than mutual respect and understanding.

Ready to be free of the constraints of people-pleasing? Let’s explore three strategies that are specifically designed to help you stop putting your own needs last as an INFP personality type.

Strategy #1: Create Space for Processing

INFP personalities like you are naturally thoughtful and introspective, yet you might find yourself saying yes to requests before you’ve had time to process how you really feel. But what if you could pause that automatic response system? What if you could create space to hear your own voice before responding to others?

To curb your people-pleasing tendencies, start giving yourself more space between requests and responses. When someone asks something of you, try one of these simple responses:

“Let me check my energy levels and get back to you tomorrow.”
“Thank you for thinking of me! I need some time to think this through.”
“Can I let you know by [specific time]?”

During the extra time that this provides, quietly check in with your true feelings about the request, your overall energy levels, and how much time you can comfortably spare.

Most people will respect your need for time to consider their request. In fact, they’ll likely appreciate your thoughtful approach more than they would a hasty agreement followed by reluctant participation or eventual cancellation.

And if someone reacts negatively to your need for processing time? Pay attention to that response. A person who can’t respect your simple request for reflection might not have your best interests at heart. Remember that healthy relationships make space for both people’s wants and needs.

Strategy #2: Write Your Way to Clarity

After creating space to process your feelings, the next challenge is often finding the right words to express them.

Those swirling thoughts and complex emotions that feel impossible to voice? If you’re an INFP personality, they might flow more easily through your fingertips than your lips. Before having important conversations about your needs or boundaries, try writing them down first.

Open your journal or notes app, and let your thoughts spill onto the page. You might write about why saying no feels difficult, what you really want to say, or how to express your needs kindly but firmly. The simple act of writing can help transform your vague feelings into clear thoughts, making them easier to express when you’re ready.

Strategy #3: Put Your Imagination to Work

When faced with setting a boundary or expressing a need, you might find yourself spinning through possible negative outcomes, like hurt feelings, damaged relationships, or uncomfortable confrontations – just to name a few. But what if you could channel the powerful imagination that INFP personalities like you have in a more helpful direction?

Instead of letting your mind spiral into worst-case scenarios, try out one of these perspective shifts:

Imagine that you’re watching a close friend handle the same situation. What advice would you give them?
Visualize a positive conversation where both people involved feel heard and understood.
Remember a time when being honest actually strengthened a relationship, and let that guide your expectations.

Your powerful imagination can be your ally in building confidence, rather than feeding your fears. Let it show you the path forward instead of holding you back.

As you try out the strategies mentioned above, start small and work your way up to more challenging feats. Every step that you take toward honoring your own needs is a step in the right direction.

Final Words

Remember, curbing your people-pleasing tendencies doesn’t mean losing your compassionate nature. It means creating space for caring and authenticity to coexist. And, when you honor both your empathy and your boundaries, you create opportunities for deeper, more genuine connections – the kind that your INFP heart truly craves.