Bugged, Bothered, and in Love: Personality Traits and Annoyances

It’s not always the big things that add stress to a relationship. You can probably list the small but annoying things that a romantic partner has done (or still does) that weren’t deal breakers but were enough to make you grit your teeth ever so slightly.

If you’re like most people, you probably feel disappointed when the glow of a fledgling romance, where your beloved can do no wrong, suddenly dims a little. You discover that your soul mate is not perfect after all. Love is in the air, and all is right with the world – until you notice your one true love clipping their toenails and allowing the clippings to fall onto the floor and into the carpet. That’s bad enough, but then they leave them there, apparently thinking that the remnants will be fine until either the Roomba makes its daily pass or you give in and remove the offending nails yourself.

Is this bad enough to break off the relationship? Maybe or maybe not, depending on how smitten you are or how much tolerance you’ve developed in life for the foibles of others. But it’s likely enough to make you wonder, at least temporarily, “Who is this person, and what are they doing in my house?” This speculation is sometimes followed by an argument that has to do with respect or something like that.

But, being serious individuals who aren’t brought down by the superficial, we find that most of our relationships survive such annoying habits.

It’s guaranteed that there will always be something that gets under your skin when you’re in a long-lasting romantic relationship. Always. Sorry.

Personality Traits, Annoying Habits, and What to Look For

Your partner’s personality type may provide some clues as to the things about them that might annoy you. One of the easiest ways to explore this is to dissect their personality type into its individual traits and explore it from that angle. (If you’re not sure what your partner’s personality type is, our Romance Type Guesser tool can help.)

Extraverted

Typically, Extraverted personalities’ desire to connect and experience things can come across as a need to fill space with conversation or noise or enthusiasm or anything at all that’s expansive. Unless the mood is shared, this can be most trying for the other person in the relationship.

Example: In a crowded movie theater, your Extraverted significant other responds to everything on-screen in a gentle yet distracting way. When the bad guy goes down, you might hear “Yes!” in a stage whisper. And so on. While you might be embarrassed and annoyed, the Extraverted person might not get why communally sharing a reaction can be a problem.

How Extraverts Annoy Introverts

This one is easy. Usually, Introverted personalities get annoyed when they are happily expressing their Introverted ways by not expressing themselves much at all. They are bothering absolutely nobody. Suddenly, their Extraverted partner appears with other plans. The Extraverted person tries to coax them into doing something more outgoing. “There’s a street fair down the block. Let’s go?”

Or perhaps the Extraverted partner floods the Introverted partner’s serene environment with an activity or noise. It doesn’t have to be much. Simply tapping a pen on the table while the Introvert is reading will likely do the trick.

To Introverted Personality Types

Are any of these annoyances big or fatal to a relationship? Absolutely not. Extraverts and Introverts often have long, happy lives together despite their different styles. You like the quiet life, so you can be a little sensitive to things. But there’s a difference between an annoyance and a tragedy. We prefer the first to the second if we have to choose.

Keeping perspective is a big part of handling annoyances. Likely, your partner isn’t trying to annoy you. They’re just being themselves, the same way you want to be yourself. It’s amazing how easy it is to defang an annoyance when you understand that it probably isn’t a hostile act.

Introverted

Typically, Introverts’ need for quiet and regularly scheduled solitude can seem stubbornly disengaged from anything outside of their physical and mental sanctuaries. At best, they can look standoffish. At worst, they can appear snobby.

Example: You’re excited about having met many interesting people at a networking party, and you want to talk about it with your Introverted partner while cooking dinner together. Your loving partner isn’t impolite, so they may say the right words and try to look interested. But their body language suggests that they desperately want to talk about something else or be anywhere else. Tales of superficial social conquests may leave them cold, and they may involuntarily show it, thus annoying an enthusiastic partner.

How Introverts Annoy Extraverts

Introverts may do something that they feel is benign, but it may feel hostile or dismissive to Extraverts. Imagine, both personality types are sitting on the sofa watching a movie. For the Extraverted partner, it’s a shared experience. But then, about 25 minutes into the film, the Introverted half of the relationship starts scrolling through their phone. The shared experience devolves into separate and solo activities, much to the disappointment of the annoyed Extraverted individual.

To Extraverted Personality Types

When there are annoyances, we can certainly bring them up. Clearing the air isn’t a bad thing. But a romantic partner might want to choose their “battles” more carefully. Extraverts can be a little eager about things. But the action of the Introvert you love is likely not as malicious as it can seem. The need for solitude is likely an ingrained part of your Introverted partner’s personality. It may have nothing to do with you. By bringing it up, you might get their full attention the next time you share an experience with them. But they will eventually crave that alone time at moments that are inconvenient to you. Love them, love their solitude.

Are we saying suck it up? No. We’re saying maintain some perspective and a sense of humor about things. Handling annoyances often involves a little of both.

Intuitive

For all the good things that come with the Intuitive personality trait, always being concretely relevant in the moment is not one of them. In other words, at times, it can seem like Intuitive types aren’t fully present when trying to deal with a practical issue.

Example: Taxes are due tomorrow. The hustle is on to pull together all the records and accurately fill out all the right spaces on the form. You ask your Intuitive partner if they know where the business expense receipts are. Instead of rifling through the file cabinet, the Intuitive person starts a discourse on how a flat tax would work better and be fairer for everyone. You end up finding the receipts yourself.

How Intuitive Types Annoy Observant Types

When action is called for, Intuitive personality types may not always be helpful. They may present all manner of theories and possibilities. But that doesn’t quite get the dishes washed, does it? The children need a bath before going to bed, and it’s the Intuitive partner’s turn to fill the tub with soapy water and filthy kids. But rather than getting right to it, they begin to expound on the theory that washing too often can destroy the beneficial microbiome that exists on human skin. The Observant partner just wants their spotless kids in bed and asleep.

To Observant Personality Types

Short of hiring a nanny or a secretary, what else can be done about the sometimes impractical impulses of the Intuitive type you love? Likely, some form of amorphous speculating will rear its dreamy head occasionally throughout your life together. The Intuitive person in your life was probably no less Intuitive when you were first attracted to them.

Perhaps, if you feel a little annoyed, focus on the things that you love about your partner rather than their occasional lapses into the impractical. Besides, your partner wandering around a subject rather than going straight through it can be kind of cute, if you just tilt your head a little and see it from a different angle. Go ahead. Tilt your head. There…that… That’s what originally attracted you to them.

Observant

While having a relationship with an Observant partner has all sorts of practical advantages, that which lies before these personalities can sometimes obscure other important considerations that may not be so obvious. In plain English, they may sometimes develop tunnel vision and not appreciate all the implications of a matter.

Example: Your Observant partner sees that there is a leak under the sink. They’ve just read a DIY magazine and feel assured that they are pretty handy. Knowing that your partner is not, in fact, handy at all, you begin to explore the different possibilities holistically and that includes a quick cost-benefit analysis. You decide that the inevitable hours trying to get the plumbing right could be used to pursue other valuable activities around the house. You offer some what-if suggestions that include something about a plumber. But all your partner can see is that the leaky pipes need to be fixed right away. Nine hours later, with the pipes still dripping, you finally call the plumber.

How Observant Types Annoy Intuitive Types

Observant personality types may be too eager to pull Intuitive types back to concrete reality. The Intuitive partner might not be all that ready to stop their speculating. To the Intuitive type, it may feel like their Observant partner is discounting how they process things. Consider this conversation:

Intuitive type: “How does grocery shopping online work? Is it really more efficient? Do we spend less money or more? How socially responsible is this? Are supermarket workers losing jobs because of this?”

Observant type: “I don’t know. But we can’t worry about that today. We need groceries, and with the pandemic, we need them delivered.” (Possibly all true, but nonetheless, this discounts how the Intuitive person processes the plan.)

To Intuitive Personality Types

Sure. It’s annoying when someone cuts you off at the pass while you’re deconstructing all the implications of something. But you do like eating and other practical things, right? That’s your focus. And the larger focus is that Observant partners often just want to make sure that you are happy by taking care of all the practical things that create a good life. And that’s because they love you. It’s hard to stay annoyed at someone who wants all that for you. I bet that even if you tried, you couldn’t.

Thinking

Thinking personalities have wheels that are always turning. This can mean that if some topic appeals to their love of rationality, they often beat a subject into the ground. For them, there’s always one more layer to consider. Not every significant other wants to journey with them to the depths of whatever their minds are working on that week.

Example: At first, you felt gratitude when your Thinking partner showed you a trick that would save you time on your laptop. But now, every time you open the laptop, they have another “interesting” tip for streamlining the process. It was just something that they happened to be thinking about the other day. It didn’t seem to matter whether you wanted the information or not. Nor did it seem to matter how inconvenient it might be for you to learn a new keyboard trick at that exact moment.

How Thinking Types Annoy Feeling Types

Thinking types can bring logic to a place where only romance, goodwill, and maybe even fantasy belong. This can feel cynical to a Feeling personality type and destroy a beautiful moment for them. A tear may fall down the face of a Feeling type because of a news story that featured a wealthy man who built a youth center in an underprivileged neighborhood to honor his mother. The Thinking partner breaks the spell by pointing out all the tax advantages and commercial exposure that the man probably received because of a philanthropic gesture. (The Thinking person may well have been right…just at the wrong time.)

To Feeling Personality Types

You’re thinking: For heaven’s sake, loosen up. Sometimes a loving gesture is just a loving gesture, right? Maybe you don’t need all the facts and all the implications all the time. Stop overthinking things.

But consider when you do need facts and some rational insights. Your Thinking partner is right there, on the spot, when you need the details. A Thinking personality type’s overindulgence in setting the record straight is annoying when it’s annoying. But it’s handy when it’s needed.

Feeling

Feeling types process decisions and assessments of the world by way of the heart. This doesn’t always mean a lot of dramatic and sentimental decisions…necessarily. But these radiant expressions of the Feeling trait might turn up occasionally and drive the people who love these personality types crazy.

Example: Politics seem to be everywhere these days. Your Feeling partner cannot watch a news program without seething. They are constantly declaring one or another group “evil.” While you also have strong feelings about the state of affairs, you have a realistic grasp of politics. You know that the other group, in this particular case anyway, can’t be dismissed as “evil.” You’ve got a reasonable political viewpoint that’s just different – and you hint to your Feeling partner that the drama gets old and suggest maybe lightening up. But the next time the news is on, they once again become emotionally invested in their positions.

How Feeling Types Annoy Thinking Types

The Feeling type in a relationship might always wonder what is going on with their Thinking partner’s emotions. While Thinking personality types clearly have emotions, they’re not always that interested in talking about them. Consider the conversation that too commonly goes like this:

Feeling type: “What are you feeling right now?”

Thinking type: “Nothing.” (Probably not true, but that’s all they’re comfortable sharing at the time.)

Feeling type: “C’mon. You must be feeling something.”

Thinking type: “Jeez. I don’t want to talk about it.”

To Thinking Personality Types

Wow. I bet that came off a little harsher than you intended. Annoyances sometimes do that to us. We get a little impatient. But why is your Feeling partner even bothering with this? Primarily, it’s because understanding their feelings and others’ feelings is the tool that they use for navigating the world. They are probably asking because they feel either a passion or a concern as an extension of that. So let’s break it down rationally. When you feel annoyed at such things, you’re feeling annoyed because someone is passionate or cares about you.

How dare they? Get it?

Feeling types are not going to suddenly stop being Feeling types. That doesn’t mean that you have to give up your boundaries. But maybe your best bet is to look at your partner’s motives and then reframe the whole exchange. Even if you still don’t want to talk about something like feelings, maybe it won’t get under your skin so much if you look at why your partner is asking you to.

Judging

Judging personality types usually feel more comfortable when things are orderly and predictable. An obsession with planning is probably the most annoying thing that a Judging partner can bring to a relationship.

Example: On the first date, your potential Judging love interest explains their detailed 20-year career and domestic plans to you. You’re not even sure how your week ahead will unfold. However, as annoying as listening to a 20-year plan is, you like the Judging person enough to pursue the relationship anyway.

How Judging Types Annoy Prospecting Types

Prospecting personalities like spontaneity and don’t need plans or closure to move on something. Judging types are just the opposite. Consider this conversation:

Judging type: “What should we do this weekend?”

Prospecting type: “Let’s wing it and see what comes up.”

Judging type: “But that’s so unreliable. No. Here’s what I think we should do…”

Cut to the Prospecting type, who is annoyed because they don’t feel that they were heard by their Judging partner or that their opinion matters.

To Prospecting Personality Types

There is a legend in Personality Typology Land that when Prospecting types (particularly Explorers) want to settle down, they are sometimes attracted to Judging types. The subconscious hope is that Judging types bring a little order to their wild, spontaneous ways. That idea may need more data before we can declare it a winner.

Whether or not that’s a pattern, a mixed partnership between Judging and Prospecting personality types can be successful. But these partnerships are also likely to have a few minor potholes. Overplanning a weekend when you just want to relax and let things happen can certainly be annoying. But think of all the other places where your partner’s organizing is beneficial. If you had enough milk for your cereal this morning, it might be because your Judging partner keeps a shopping list. Keeping your Judging partner’s other fine qualities in mind can help mitigate some of the annoyance that you feel around their sometimes overly fastidious tendencies.

Prospecting

Prospecting people love to accept the world as they find it. That doesn’t mean that they don’t work to make it better or that they’re always happy with what they find. They aren’t passive about it. But these personalities usually aren’t bent out of shape by the future that unfolds before them either. A more reactionary person is likely to be annoyed by this.

Example: You and your Prospecting partner finally move into an apartment together. The two of you put together your first romantic night with wine, candlelight, and soft music. Suddenly, from the apartment above comes a loud but inventive guitar solo that immediately jangles your nerves. “Ah, cool. We have a musician for a neighbor. I can’t wait to talk with them about the music scene around here,” exclaims your Prospecting partner excitedly.

Meanwhile, you’re burying your head under a pillow, not quite understanding the attraction or wanting a loud musician as your sitcom-like friendly neighbor. (Note: The annoyance in question is not the musician but your Prospecting partner being oblivious to your reaction. Come to think of it, we may have a treatment for a new sitcom in the making here.)

How Prospecting Types Annoy Judging Types

The novelty that Prospecting individuals find exhilarating is often the Judging personality type’s nightmare. Say it’s time to consider furniture for that new apartment – you know, the one where the musician lives upstairs. The Judging partner suggests that they look at magazines and Pinterest to plan exactly what they want and to save a lot of time and perhaps even money. “Let’s know what we want before we walk out the door.” And, of course, the Prospecting partner suggests that they wander around Ikea instead and buy whatever strikes their fancy in the moment. They believe that shopping for furniture will be much more interesting if it’s filled with surprises.

To Judging Personality Types

Admit it. While you feel most comfortable when things are orderly, letting loose of that sometimes and allowing a more spontaneous side to emerge can be exhilarating. Maybe something inside of you was actually looking for that when you were first attracted to your Prospecting partner. Maybe feelings of annoyance are more of a knee-jerk reaction than a clear assessment of what’s going on.

Hmm. Maybe adopting the first rule of improv might help you realize your occasional need for spontaneity and avoid finding your partner’s approach annoying. When your Prospecting partner suggests something a little more free-form than you’re comfortable with, perhaps you should try to respond with Yes, and. That way, you accept (yes) rather than fight your partner’s preferences, while the and part can be where you add some organization or boundaries. Your partner says, “Let’s go to the village and find out what’s going on,” and you respond, “Yes, and then on the way home, perhaps we can stop at that jazz club I like.”

We love win-win situations.

So, What Have We Learned?

So, what have we learned? That we should avoid bonding with anyone who might annoy us in any way? Good luck with that.

Instead, the lesson is that everybody has some quirks or characteristics that will annoy the person they fall in love with. And vice versa. It’s one of the facts of life.

Here’s the thing. Since annoying behavior is inevitable in a relationship, it’s probably better to anticipate it and get used to the idea beforehand, then learn to roll with it. Or better yet, knowing what to expect – at least somewhat – perhaps you can plan some strategies to deal positively and effectively with annoyances.

After all, isn’t that the sort of thing that makes the exploration of personality types and traits useful? Knowing your partner’s personality type might provide clues that make discovering annoyances less surprising as you embark on life together as a couple. But it can also help you anticipate the quirky joys and benefits of such a partnership.