The Architect (INTJ) personality type is famous for having strong preferences. People with this personality type revere logic, and if their habits and opinions seem intense, it’s because they’ve been formed through intent deliberation. That’s especially true regarding areas of life with high stakes – like dating – where Architects attempt to integrate powerful emotions with rational logic.
What an Architect seeks in romance might be highly individual, but how they prefer to go about dating has a lot to do with their personality traits. Whether or not they can live out those preferences in their dating life is another story, though. Culture creates many pressures and limits that Architects find frustrating. And, of course, there are also other people involved (hopefully), and not all of them will match an Architect’s mindset.
Romantic compatibility often depends on some flexibility and acceptance, yet happiness also comes from being true to one’s personality type. What would that look like for Architects when it comes to dating? Pondering that question might help Architects see what could be better in their dating life, so let’s delve into some likely dating preferences and behaviors of this personality type. (Hint: this is also useful insight for other personality types who might end up dating an Architect.)
Being Interesting
Architect personalities tend to respect intellect and imagination, and they enjoy the act of understanding new things. On a date, they’re likely to try to show off what they think makes them interesting and unique (i.e., what they’re proud of about themselves). That could be anything from an innovative idea (they love to talk about imagined future projects) to an unusual real-world experience.
In turn, when they’re getting to know their date, they seek what’s interesting about them. They can respect any significant skill or thought, but only to a certain extent if it’s mundane or predictable. Deep down, they want to be wowed with unexpected cleverness just as they seek to wow others with their own. They may find themselves a bit bored in the company of people who don’t stimulate their minds – even compatible people they otherwise find very pleasant and attractive.
If there’s a saving grace to their intellectual standards, it’s that Architects are fascinated by minutiae and enjoy unraveling unfamiliar complexities. So while the fact that their date is an artist might elicit only moderate interest, a detailed discussion of uncommon artistic techniques like acid etching or Japanese wood burning might gain their full attention. Or another example: they might appreciate a wine connoisseur’s taste yet be more interested in an amateur winemaker’s tales de vin.
For an Architect, it all boils down to what they need from a romantic partner. Emotional connection and physical intimacy can make for a happy relationship, even if Architects end up mostly receiving intellectual stimulation elsewhere. But if that extra dimension can exist between themselves and the one with whom they’re romantically involved, it’s all the more appealing to them.
So for an Architect (or anyone trying to match their dating style), exploring interesting thoughts, experiences, or personal aspects can really boost an initial romantic connection. Illuminating each other’s most fascinating details without being egotistical or invasive of privacy requires a careful charisma as well as enthusiastic, receptive listening. But when Architects and their dates get that balance right, the mutual admiration that it can create is a great start to a romance.
An obvious approach to foster that spark is complimenting whatever’s interesting about someone. However, Architects tend to be literalists, so that idea comes with the caveat that even slightly insincere praise doesn’t sit well with them. (They’d usually rather be seen as rude than as liars.) For Architects, finding something interesting enough about their date to be worth complimenting honestly is a dating goal that reflects their underlying values. If they can’t do that, they might rethink a second date.
Competence Is Attractive
Architects are not enthusiastic caretakers compared to many personality types. They can be fiercely dedicated to those they love, but that attitude doesn’t usually extend to people they’re just getting to know. They may step in and assist a date to make a good impression – however, apparent incompetence or helplessness tends to disappoint them inside. Architects value the security and freedom that self-reliance brings and may not look with favor on those who seem overly dependent.
On the other hand, anyone who demonstrates powerful agency over events and their environment is likely to make an Architect’s heart beat faster. On a deep level, people with this personality type crave control over their own lives, and a date who seems comfortably able to get things done looks a lot more like partner material than someone who can’t. That could mean anything from consistently finding downtown parking to fixing something to just being generally efficient and effective. Yet it’s important to note that most Architects don’t necessarily base such judgments on any strict test – or their own ability.
While Architects generally believe that respect must be earned, they’re likely to respect others who’ve mastered qualities that they themselves don’t have. Furthermore, Architects readily extend their love of problem-solving to help those they like, reveling in the chance to exercise purposeful capability. But there’s definitely a threshold of approval and familiarity that regulates when Architects invest much care. Potential partners who seem highly capable in even one or two areas reassure Architects that such investment is likely to be part of a fulfilling mutual exchange.
In dating, Architects may not always be vocal about their appraisals of someone’s competence, but it’s often a major factor in their romantic interest. Other avenues of attraction may take priority when it comes to potential partners, yet Architects will always be trying to demonstrate and seek out personal capability, simply because it’s one of their primary values. Architects may find that it’s hard to comfortably maintain a connection with someone whom they don’t see as competent or who doesn’t recognize their competence.
That means that some confirmation of a date’s personal ability is likely a stage that Architects must pass through in order to grow attached to them. That may come from external status, as something like an educational degree or career role may impress Architects. But often, they confirm a potential partner’s competence organically through spending time with them and observing how they handle everyday life. Book smarts and street smarts both have their place in the esteem that Architects seek to build between themselves and a date.
Let’s Be Clear
Architects tend to favor clear communication as well as commitment to what’s being communicated. In dating, they can build entire worlds of hope and desire out of their perception of meaning and likelihood. When that understanding hinges on someone else’s statements, these personalities are relatively unforgiving of inaccuracy or unexpected changes. That could be something as minor as being late for a date or as major as neglecting to mention that the relationship isn’t exclusive. What makes this preference for clarity challenging is that Architects aren’t always the most willing communicators when it comes to matters of the heart. They sometimes rely on their own assumptions more than inquiry.
That makes it doubly attractive when potential partners are naturally forthright, offering Architects the clarity that they crave without having to push for it. However, Architects understand that building a happy relationship in any form requires some effort, and they like to be efficient in all things, including dating. Their desire to establish clear understanding can drive them to ask questions even when it’s not entirely comfortable (or tactful) to do so – partly to establish a structure that they can rely on but also to investigate what’s expected of them.
Architects value the idea of dedication and follow-through, and it’s part of how they show their esteem for a potential partner. Highly flexible personalities may be happy to play things loose, but to an Architect, accuracy is a virtue. To the best of their ability, they try to be clear and reliable, and they often assume that others will as well. What might seem like minor miscommunications can really irritate people with this personality type, and once bitten, they may become twice shy.
Consequently, Architects’ attempts to cement agreements or definitions within a relationship can seem a little excessive, but they may serve a good purpose. Achieving clarity unlocks their energy to move forward, and that can benefit both partners. The trick is establishing a balance between certainty and the fact that much of the future isn’t predictable. Architects want words to have meaning and for the ensuing reality to reflect that meaning, yet they value a positive outcome most of all. Sometimes that means insisting on concrete terms, and sometimes it means going with the flow.
In dating, the differences in the communication styles of various personalities can become very apparent (a great reason to research and understand personality types). One of the earliest-surfacing reasons for Architects to favor a potential partner is when their communication styles mesh nicely. While that likely includes mutual clarity, it doesn’t always mean that the styles are otherwise similar. Once an Architect feels that they can be direct and also trust someone to be up front with them, everything gets easier.
Slow Down, Baby
Let’s end with an infinitely complex yet basic topic: sex. Compared to many personality types, Architects often take their time to progress to sex during dating. On one hand, that speaks to their social and emotional reserve – they’re not quick to build a deep connection with others. It also speaks somewhat to their high value of self-control – in some ways, they look down on impulsivity. Culture and life experience can also be a major factor in how quickly an Architect gets physical with someone they’re dating, but their innate preferences tend to win out.
However much Architects might desire physical intimacy with a potential partner, any number of other factors may outweigh their urges. Even when things are going great, people with this personality type can be fairly patient. A lot has to do with circumstances surrounding the moment when the decision to have sex (or not) arises. Architects could be described as particular, and especially with a new romance, they may want the first intimate experience to live up to a certain idea or standard – not necessarily for selfish reasons but because it’s a step on a course that they don’t take lightly.
They say “perfection is the enemy of good,” and it’s true that overidealizing may give some Architects pointless pause regarding sex. Too much waiting, thought, and expectation can interfere with a positive connection, dimming or complicating any passion that they may feel for someone. But on the other hand, casual sexual spontaneity can throw Architects off-balance, even if it’s tempting. These ever-deliberate personalities might counter the above aphorism with the statement that “anything worth doing is worth doing well.” They may believe that an initial sexual connection with a date deserves some forethought.
Architects’ way of approaching sex and its timing may be more cautious than that of many personalities, but it likely serves them well. They abhor making missteps in life, partly because it feels like personal failure and partly because it can cause them subsequent difficulties. That’s as true with sex as anything else. Most Architects seek commitment in their relationships, and many likely trust that if they’re with the right person, physical intimacy will happen at the right time.
Conclusion
When an Architect chooses partnership over independence, it’s because they’ve found someone with whom they believe they can create something greater than they can by themselves. That’s no small thing, and for these personalities, the mere act of dating is the affirmation of a grand idea – Architects aren’t likely to make significant social investments without a purpose. Despite their cynicism and social reserve, finding love would be a crown jewel among most Architects’ life accomplishments.
Ironically, it’s not always their highest priority. In fact, specifically because of their cynicism and social reserve, it takes a lot to motivate an Architect to get dressed up, go out, and muster their charms for a date. They’re all too used to being disappointed by people. That doesn’t mean that their hearts are locked, just that Architects don’t offer the key often or casually. But when they’re attracted to someone, they’ll go to significant effort – albeit colored by their dating preferences.
So consider yourself warned informed if you might date an Architect, and if this is your personality type, feel free to comment on your version of any of the above topics. We’d love to hear your opinions and rationales on dating, especially what has and hasn’t worked for you.