DIY Drama: Couples with Different Personality Types May Clash over Home Improvement Projects

A home improvement project can be stressful for any couple. There are many decisions to make and usually a few unexpected setbacks, and partners with different personality types tend to act and react to those things differently. That can create friction between you, as agreeing on a goal is one thing but agreeing on the best way to reach it is another. (Ask me how I know.)

My partner and I have been doing some home improvement, and I’ve realized certain ramifications that make striving (and compromising) for harmony especially important in this context. But before I get into that, let’s explore how different personality traits might clash and how couples with those traits can make things smoother.

Introverted and Extraverted

Extraverts may initiate home improvement projects because they are more likely than Introverts to act outwardly on their ideas. They may push a plan forward boldly, assert their wishes, and take the initiative in dealing with third parties. They might be more interested in home improvements that enhance social activities with friends, extended family, or neighbors. Extraverts are also a bit more likely to favor a home full of colors and decorations.

Introverts, on the other hand, like to dream but aren’t as bold about jumping into a plan – and they might find having a bunch of workers in the house much more invasive than Extraverts do. These personalities may be more interested in projects that enhance their personal activities and time with their partner rather than big social gatherings. Introverts are also a little more likely to favor a simple, minimalist house.

It’s okay if Introvert-Extravert couples take different roles in whatever home improvement project they pursue. Extraverts can handle the outward, front-line interactions with others, and Introverts can focus their energy inward, on the couple’s own responsibilities. When these partners are willing to understand and respect each other’s preferences, Extraversion and Introversion can work hand in hand. (And maybe not every room needs to be brightly decorated.)

Intuitive and Observant

Intuitive personalities like to come up with imaginative ideas – sometimes biting off more than they can chew or dreaming far into the future.

In home improvement, they contribute creativity but may run the risk of being overly optimistic about what can reasonably be done within a time frame or budget. That can complicate a project and demand that they find equally creative solutions. These personalities are also a bit more likely to favor artistic touches or themes in their home, possibly seeking to step beyond practical enhancements.

Observant personalities tend to have a more down-to-earth approach to home improvement. They appreciate attractive designs but usually have an eye on practical functionality, and they’re often perfectly happy to embrace proven enhancements over anything artsy or avant-garde. Their home improvement dreams often focus on immediate, real-world returns that they can see and use, more than abstract aesthetics or complex future dreams.

Both personality traits can balance a couple’s project, imbuing their plan with creativity while also keeping it realistic. But disagreements may occur over what’s feasible – the Intuitive partner may want to reach farther into what-ifs than their Observant partner comfortably can. What might help them stay on the same page is taking a step-by-step approach that allows for big eventual goals but also ensures that their energy is focused on the priorities at hand. Whatever the scale and style of project that they negotiate and decide on, both will be happier when it stays achievable.

Thinking and Feeling

Thinking types often gravitate toward the technical side of a home improvement project, focusing on the materials, mechanics, and even futuristic technologies. Their capability may be partly based on distancing themselves from emotion to better navigate challenges and handle the stress of a project. That can help them achieve goals (whether they’re doing the work themselves or monitoring someone else), but it can potentially make them seem distant or brusque – even to their partner.

For Feeling types, the stresses of a home improvement project are just one dimension of emotion – and a small price to pay for the connection and enthusiasm that they may otherwise feel. For these personalities, taking on a project with their partner is partly a way to bond, and maintaining a sense of cooperative unity as they work toward goals together can be as rewarding as the project’s end results. Consequently, they may inject joy and excitement into something as mundane as tearing out old carpet.

Unfettered rationalism and empathetic connection are both incredibly important components of a couples’ home improvement project. Planning and problem-solving may occasionally require some pointed, objective thinking, but that’s not more important than a couple’s sense of happiness together. All the energy (and money) spent will feel a lot more worthwhile when they shepherd each other’s morale and try to uncover whatever joy can be found along the way.

Judging and Prospecting

Judging personality types tend to favor a neat and clean home environment, which shapes their home improvement ideas as well as how they pursue them. They’re likely to take a linear, detail-oriented approach and to strongly prefer concrete outcomes over ambiguity. All of that can help keep a shared project on track, but a narrow focus on following an established plan may also make them vulnerable to unexpected changes – or too rigid about their partner’s differing preferences.

Prospecting personality types, on the other hand, usually have a more flexible attitude, preferring to roll with the punches and embrace changes and inspiration as they go.

Life is messy, so they don’t insist on order. This can equip them wonderfully to handle problems, but it also means that they have trouble sticking with even a good plan that they agree with. Being more subject to distractions and whims is a potential downside of being open-minded and curious.

Partners with these personality traits can radically enhance their capabilities when they respect and appreciate each other’s approaches. In a home improvement project, this may mean alternating responsibilities as events warrant. A Judging partner may lead the creation and implementation of a plan, working to accommodate their partner’s preferences. In addition to contributing their wide-ranging ideas, Prospecting partners can step in with crisis management, since their comfort with the unexpected helps them maintain progress when the plan gets destabilized.

Assertive and Turbulent

Assertive personality types tend to maintain confidence and emotional stability relatively well. This can be a significant benefit unto itself during stressful home improvement projects, but it can also reinforce how they express their personality – in both positive and negative ways. For example, an Assertive person might confidently share reassurances with an upset partner. However, they’re likely to also be more self-confident, which can make them less inclined to compromise with their partner.

Turbulent personalities are comparatively more likely to feel insecure and have somewhat more volatile emotional reactions. This might lead them to become unreasonably worried about problems, real or imagined, and to overreact to the stresses of a home improvement project. But it also tends to make them more concerned with pleasing their partner, which can be a basis for healthy compromise and generous treatment.

One way to blend these tendencies nicely is for the Turbulent partner, sensitive as they may be, to act as a sort of antenna for potential problems. Being more likely to worry, they may also excel at spotting genuine issues and risks in a project. And when they do, their more self-assured partner can step in with a calm, confident attitude that helps them both figure out what to do without spending too much energy on apprehension.

Final Thoughts: Home Is a Place for Compromise and Joy

As the Turbulent half in my relationship, I’ve had my share of freak-outs over house repairs and projects. A while back, my Assertive partner said something like, “Don’t worry about it. I’d rather live in a crumbling shack with you than in a fancy house without you.” Of course, that treasured sentiment didn’t erase my real-estate concerns – a house is a tremendous asset. But it made me reconsider my definition of “home” and its importance.

A relationship can be a source of great strength and fulfillment when partners see each other through whatever happens and share the best of life together. A house is just a facilitator, a shell to support the happy, grand doings of people who love each other. So I submit that even though improving your house is a wise, valuable endeavor, your relationship must remain the priority. Just for fun, here are a few ideas we tried that injected some positivity into our project:

Documenting the process with photos of yourselves. It’s a way to pat yourself on the back and also share your adventure with others. Plus, it can be fun to look back on that time you played “construction worker.”
Eating “treat” meals during the project. Creating a positive reward kind of offsets some of the unpleasant aspects of the project, especially dirty, difficult work. (For us, this meant junk food that we’d usually avoid.)
Welcoming workers as valued guests. Nothing major, just offering respect, warmth, and an abundant supply of various beverages to those coming into our home. It feels good to be nice. (Plus, thanks to COVID, this was as close as we’ve come to entertaining guests in over a year.)

One thing to keep in mind as you take on a project is that your partner deserves to feel equally at home as you do, and that means assuring that mutual joy and satisfaction result from the project. That gross ceiling fan that they think is kitschy-cute? You might have to live with it. So, take some time to understand and appreciate your partner’s personality traits, and let their perspective paint yours a little. That’s the primer that’ll help your different colors stick together.