Exploring Relationship Conflict through the Lens of Personality Type

We’ve all been there: that heart-sinking moment when a conversation with someone we love starts to head south. In these moments, perhaps your pulse quickens, your face flushes, and you can feel your blood start to boil. Or maybe your first instinct in the face of relationship conflict is to get away from the situation as quickly as possible, even if that means giving your significant other the cold shoulder.

No matter how much we love and care for someone, conflict in relationships is inevitable – especially in romantic relationships. We’re all human, after all. And we all have unique perspectives, needs, and ways of communicating. Add to that the stresses and pressures of daily life, and it’s no wonder that even the healthiest relationships hit a few bumps in the road from time to time.

But here’s the interesting thing: how we tend to react to and deal with conflict is not random. Our unique upbringing, our life experiences, and even our personality type all play a role in shaping how we handle relationship conflict.

In this article, we’ll explore the role that personality type plays in shaping our attitudes toward and behaviors during relationship conflict, discuss unhealthy responses to conflict that can drive a wedge between any couple, and dig into healthy conflict resolution strategies that can help foster resilient romantic relationships.

Whether you’re currently in the midst of a relationship rough patch or you simply want to be prepared for the inevitable challenges that arise when two people merge their lives, this article will give you valuable insights and tools to better understand yourself and your significant other in the context of relationship conflict.

Perceptions of Relationship Conflict

Relationship conflict is defined as a disagreement that arises between two people as a result of opposing interests or preferences. It can occur in every kind of relationship, including romantic partnerships, friendships, family relationships, and professional interactions. It’s important to note that not all conflicts involve hurtful language or destructive behavior. It is possible to engage in peaceful conflicts and resolve them in constructive ways that strengthen a relationship. But just because it’s possible doesn’t mean that it’s always easy.

In behavioral research on the topic of relationship conflict, there are generally two distinct perceptions of the role that conflict plays in relationships. Some scholars suggest that relationship conflict reflects a negative disruption between people that should be avoided, while others say it is a completely normal part of every relationship.

When it comes to the views of different personality types, according to our “Relationship Conflict” survey, 80% of people across the personality type spectrum agree that conflict is a normal part of a relationship rather than a sign of dysfunction. Even so, just because most people view it as normal doesn’t mean that every personality type is comfortable with navigating relationship conflict. Some personalities are more open than others to the idea of dealing with relationship conflict.

Not so surprisingly, ENTP personalities (Debaters) are the most likely of all 16 personality types to say conflict is a normal part of a relationship (with 87% agreeing) and the second-most likely to say they prefer to confront relationship conflict head-on rather than avoiding it (with 83% agreeing). These feisty conversationalists aren’t afraid to question anyone’s point of view and may even enjoy the intellectual sparring that comes with it. And ENTPs are not the only personalities who usually don’t shy away from conflict.

In general, Extraverts are more likely to say they prefer to confront conflicts in their relationships head-on, with 76% of Extraverts agreeing, compared to only 59% of Introverts. This makes sense, since Extraverts draw energy from engaging with others and tend to be more outwardly expressive. They may find it easier to verbalize their thoughts and feelings, even amid conflict. In fact, they might even feel the need to engage directly with someone as soon as possible by quickly talking things out with them.

On the flip side, some personality types – many Introverts, for example – go to great lengths to avoid conflict. They tend to feel uncomfortable when faced with interpersonal tension and might prefer to remove themselves from the situation entirely or to prioritize harmony over hashing things out – even if it means putting someone else’s needs before their own.

ISFJ personalities (Defenders), for example, are the most likely personality type to say they prefer to avoid discussing conflicts in their relationships rather than confronting them directly, at 49%. As natural peacemakers, ISFJs may sidestep conflict to maintain stability, avoid hurtful exchanges, and prevent damage in their relationships. However, it’s worthwhile to note that just over half of ISFJs would still rather address conflicts when they can.

While some personality types may be more comfortable than others with confrontation, the reality is that conflict is unavoidable in just about every relationship. The key is not to focus on preventing or avoiding conflict altogether, but rather to develop the skills that are needed to navigate conflict in a healthy, productive way. Because, ultimately, it’s not the conflicts themselves that damage our relationships but the way that we choose to respond to them.

Harmful vs. Healthy Reactions to Relationship Conflict

The study of romantic relationships has come a long way over the past 50 years. Specifically, researchers at the Gottman Institute revolutionized the field by choosing to analyze the behavioral patterns of couples together to see if they could tell the difference between happy and unhappy couples.

Through their research, the team at the Gottman Institute discovered several important findings. First, they found that couples’ interactions generally have stability about 80% of the time, meaning that they tend to repeat the same conflict patterns. Second, they discovered that roughly 69% of relationship problems do not get resolved and result in perpetual conflict due to personality differences between partners. And last but not least, through their new observational methods, they identified several consistent patterns that can differentiate healthy, successful relationships from relationships that are likely to end due to incompatibility.

Overall, the researchers at the Gottman Institute identified four harmful reactions to relationship conflict, which they refer to as the Four Horsemen, as well as four antidotes to these negative reactions. We discussed the Four Horsemen and their antidotes in a previous article on romantic relationship conflict, and we will revisit them again here along with additional insights from our “Relationship Conflict” survey.

Defensiveness vs. Taking Responsibility

One of the behaviors that the researchers at the Gottman Institute identified as a harmful reaction to conflict is defensiveness – a reactive emotional response to a perceived criticism or threat, often characterized by denying responsibility, making excuses, or deflecting blame back onto others.

To better understand this behavior and why it can be damaging to a relationship, imagine a couple discussing their financial concerns. One partner expresses their frustration about the other’s recent impulsive purchase, saying, “I thought we agreed to stick to a budget this month.” The other partner, feeling attacked, responds defensively: “Well, maybe if you didn’t spend so much money shopping all the time, we wouldn’t be in this stressful situation.”

Instead of acknowledging their partner’s concerns and working together to find a solution, the defensive partner deflects blame, escalating the conflict and hindering the communication that’s needed to work toward a solution.

In our research, we see that all 16 personality types resort to defensiveness to some degree during relationship conflict. The chart below shows each type’s response to the question “When conflict arises in your relationships, do you usually try to protect or justify your actions or your words?”

Analysts are the most likely Role to regularly resort to criticism during conflict, with 79% agreeing with the above question. The Analyst Role is composed of INTJ (Architect), INTP (Logician), ENTJ (Commander), and ENTP (Debater) personality types. What do all Analysts have in common? They all share the Intuitive and Thinking personality traits.

Notably, 79% of all personality types with the Thinking trait indicate that they resort to criticism during conflict, compared to 70% of those with the Feeling trait. We might see this distinction because Thinking types are more prone to pointing out flaws and shortcomings in their partner’s behavior as a natural part of their logical reasoning. Overall, they are generally less inclined than people with the Feeling trait to empathize with their partner’s perspective, and they can express their frustrations and opinions more bluntly.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that all Thinking types are always going to criticize their partners or be unable to empathize with them. Nothing in personality type research is black and white. However, Thinking types might be more inclined to share exactly what they think their partner is doing wrong in order to prove their point.

They might also criticize their partner in an attempt to earnestly and effectively solve something that they perceive to be a problem in their relationship. After all, it wouldn’t necessarily be constructive to say “Something’s bothering me” and then never reveal what it is. And while criticism can be a direct way to troubleshoot a problem in a relationship, it is important for Thinking types (and every personality type, for that matter) to work on their delivery. How people go about sharing negative feedback absolutely does matter.

Criticism can be detrimental to a relationship because it focuses on pointing out flaws and shortcomings, which can make the recipient feel devalued, unappreciated, and unheard instead of feeling like they’re working with their partner toward mutually beneficial solutions.

What is the antidote to criticism? Instead of turning to criticism, romantic partners can try using “I” statements to discuss their feelings and needs without placing blame or making accusations.

For example, instead of someone calling their partner lazy because they never help out around the house, they could say, “I feel overwhelmed and frustrated when I see household chores piling up. I would appreciate it if we could work together to create a more balanced approach to managing our home. When tasks are shared, I feel more supported and valued in our relationship.”

Shifting the focus like this can help couples work together to understand each other’s perspectives and find mutually satisfying solutions to their conflicts.

Contempt vs. Appreciation

Sometimes during a relationship conflict, people can take their hurtful comments to another level past criticism. The Gottman Institute refers to this as contempt. Contempt occurs when someone belittles and devalues their partner through cruel, dismissive, and condescending language or behavior that can cause deep emotional wounds.

Consider this example: imagine that someone shares their excitement about a new hobby with their significant other, and the response that they get is a sneering “Oh, another new hobby? I guess we’ll see how long you stick with this one. Hopefully you won’t end up wasting tons of money like last time.”

This contemptuous response dismisses the partner’s interests, making them feel foolish and inferior for even expressing enthusiasm about something new. This kind of behavior is extremely harmful to romantic relationships.

In our survey, we ask respondents whether, when conflict arises in their relationships, they usually talk about how the other person is fundamentally flawed. From the responses, we can see that far fewer people across all personality types indicate that they usually resort to this hurtful behavior, in comparison to defensiveness and criticism:

Explorers are by far the most likely Role to indicate that they turn to this behavior during conflict, with 49% agreeing with the above question. The Explorer Role includes ISTP (Virtuoso), ISFP (Adventurer), ESTP (Entrepreneur), and ESFP (Entertainer) personality types.

Explorers all share the Observant and Prospecting personality traits, which may contribute to their tendency to stonewall during conflicts. These combined traits might lead them to feel overwhelmed by the emotional intensity of certain conflicts. When faced with a partner’s strong emotions or demands for change, they may instinctively withdraw to avoid feeling stuck in a negative situation.

It’s important to note that while Explorers may be more prone to stonewalling, this behavior is not inevitable for them or exclusive to this Role. As a matter of fact, across the personality spectrum, we also see that Introverts and Turbulent individuals are much more likely than their Extraverted and Assertive counterparts to turn to stonewalling during conflicts.

Introverts might resort to stonewalling more often because they need more time to process their thoughts and emotions internally before engaging in a discussion. They may shut down and disengage as a way to protect themselves from the stress and overstimulation of a heated argument, even if it ultimately harms the relationship.

For Turbulent individuals, the heightened emotional reactivity that they tend to experience can make it difficult for them to remain present and engaged during conflicts. They may resort to stonewalling as a way to escape the overwhelming feelings of anxiety, frustration, or helplessness that may arise, even if it comes at the cost of effective communication and problem-solving.

That said, ultimately, anyone with any personality type can fall into the habit of stonewalling during a relationship conflict – especially if they feel overwhelmed or unable to cope with the emotional demands of the situation.

So what is the antidote to stonewalling? The researchers at the Gottman Institute recommend taking a short break (about 20 minutes) to do something soothing before circling back to the conversation.

Unlike stonewalling, taking a short break gives each individual a chance to regulate their emotions while still maintaining a sense of connection and commitment to resolving the conflict. When each partner returns to the discussion, they will likely feel more centered and better equipped to listen empathetically and express themselves constructively.

Final Words

In the end, no matter your personality type, navigating relationship conflict is a skill that requires practice, patience, and a commitment to growth and change. By paying attention to the ways that both you and your partner approach conflict, you can start to break free from destructive patterns and work on developing healthy responses to conflict that will allow you to build resilient relationships that stand the test of time.

Have you ever found yourself caught in a cycle of defensiveness, criticism, contempt, or stonewalling during relationship conflicts? If so, you’re not alone. We invite you to join the conversation and share your unique perspective on navigating relationship conflict. What strategies have you found most effective in fostering open, honest communication and building a stronger, more resilient bond? Let us know in the comments below.

And make sure to watch this space for more articles in our series on how different personality types can navigate relationship conflict: