Getting In Your Own Way: Internal Barriers to Romantic Connection for Every Personality Type

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Rumi

It’s no secret that romantic love is a lot more complicated than it appears to be in fairy tales and romantic comedies. Especially in today’s world, where swipes regularly dictate desirability and many connections are facilitated through likes and screen time, you could argue that the quest for love has never been more perplexing.

Ironically, even though the modern world presents us with a seemingly endless array of potential partners, it can sometimes start to feel like finding someone to share our life, love, and intimacy with is an impossible task. And while it is true that many of the frustrations that come with trying to find a romantic connection are largely outside of our control, it is also important to acknowledge that, sometimes, the biggest obstacles to finding love come from within ourselves.

We all experience traumas and heartaches that shape us and weather us as we move through our lives. Because of the fast-paced nature of our world, we may not always pay close attention to the unhealed wounds that we carry with us along the way. But where these wounds tend to pop up time and time again, whether we like it or not, is in how we relate to others – especially when it comes to our most intimate relationships.

The goal of this article is to explore some of the most common internal barriers to romantic connection that can hinder us from both giving and receiving love. These forms of self-sabotage are applicable to any and all personality types, although some personalities may be more likely to fall prey to specific forms of romantic self-sabotage than others.

Barriers to Romantic Connection

In the following sections, we will delve into seven internal barriers to romantic connection that can complicate or hinder our attempts at forming genuine and fulfilling relationships.

It can be a daunting task to look at how we can get in our own way when it comes to love. But as we bring more awareness to our wounds, where they come from, and how they play out in our relationships, we can start to heal and open ourselves up to the kind of love that we want and deserve.

1. Fear of Rejection

Up first on our list of internal barriers to romantic connection is the fear of rejection. Rejection is a pretty unpleasant thing to experience, regardless of whether it happens at work, at school, or with friends, but it is especially heart-wrenching in the context of love.

Romantic rejection often results in a cascade of complex emotions that are painful and distressing. It can also cause people to question their self-worth and to wonder why things didn’t work out the way that they had hoped. This flurry of disappointment, shame, overthinking, and heartache can lead to heightened anxiety around future romantic interactions, causing some personalities to preemptively remove themselves from situations where there will be a possibility of rejection.

When it comes to personality theory, people with the Turbulent and/or Feeling traits tend to be particularly sensitive to rejection and, as a result, might be more likely than other personalities to let the fear of rejection stop them from putting themselves out there. For Turbulent types, this might have to do with their tendency to be hard on themselves when something goes wrong and their inclination to almost expect the worst in uncertain situations. Similarly, Feeling types are more likely to take rejection to heart. They might be more hesitant to put themselves in situations where they could again encounter all of the intense emotions that come along with rejection.

2. Trust Issues

Trust issues can create a lot of tension between two people who are trying to build a relationship together. When someone has major trust issues, they generally find it incredibly challenging to believe in the honesty, integrity, or reliability of a potential partner.

Unfortunately, this kind of skepticism is often born out of experience. When someone faces infidelity, deep betrayal, or abandonment, they are left with emotional scars that can make it hard for them to feel safe in a relationship. Trust issues can also result in a variety of unhealthy behaviors like monitoring a partner’s phone, constantly asking about a partner’s whereabouts, or even shutting down and giving up on a relationship based on nothing but suspicions.

While every personality type is susceptible to dealing with trust issues, people with the Intuitive personality trait might have a particularly hard time with this internal barrier to romantic connection. That’s because Intuitive personalities often rely heavily on their active imagination, which fuels rich internal dialogues that guide how they perceive their environment and the people around them. While this can be a positive trait, it can also predispose them to trust issues, as the stories that they tell themselves in their heads can sometimes result in unwarranted doubts and suspicions.

3. Lack of Self-Love

When we think of internal barriers to romantic connection, a lack of self-love might not be the first thing that comes to mind, but the relationship that we have with ourselves has an enormous impact on how we show up in our relationships with others.

When someone does not hold themselves in high regard, for whatever reason, they might have difficulty believing that they are worthy of love and affection from a partner. This might keep them from putting themselves out there. On the other hand, a lack of self-love can also cause people to settle for less than they deserve, to tolerate toxic behavior, or to not advocate for their own needs and desires in a relationship – three things that most definitely get in the way of someone building a healthy, fulfilling love.

Keep in mind that all people everywhere can struggle with self-love from time to time. In fact, according to our “Self-Love” survey, 60% of people across the personality spectrum say they struggle to have love for themselves when they are at their worst (which is, ironically, when they might need self-love the most).

But even though self-love can be a challenge for everyone, Turbulent and Introverted personalities are significantly more likely to say they struggle with self-love, which may at times impact how they show up in their romantic relationships.

4. Ignoring Red Flags

In all the excitement that comes with getting to know someone and developing feelings for them, people sometimes get caught up in the moment and completely ignore the giant red flags that are telling them to slow down and reevaluate. They might turn a blind eye to worrisome behaviors or warning signs in a partner due to feelings of loneliness, an intense longing for connection, or even because of previous traumas that have skewed their perception of what is acceptable.

Regardless of the reason, ignoring red flags early on is incredibly common, but if a person regularly notices that they do it, there is a chance that they could be getting in their own way when it comes to finding a healthy, fulfilling romantic connection. Choosing to invest a lot of time and energy into someone who has shown that they might not be interested or that they might not be a good match can lead to more hurt in the long run.

Conversely, recognizing and addressing these red flags is a step toward understanding personal needs, respecting boundaries, and protecting emotional well-being.

In the context of personality, people with the Feeling, Turbulent, and/or Prospecting traits might experience this barrier to connection more often than other personality types do. Individuals with the Feeling trait, who often prioritize emotional connections and empathize strongly with others, might ignore red flags in a romantic relationship due to their tendency to focus on the potential for good in their partner and their hope that love and care can resolve any issues. Turbulent personality types may turn a blind eye to red flags in romance because they often have a strong desire for approval, which can cause them to settle for behaviors that they don’t necessarily like. Lastly, Prospecting personalities may have a harder time with this barrier to connection because they tend to be more spontaneous, causing them to let things slide as the days go by and new opportunities to spend time with someone present themselves.

5. Emotional Unavailability

Either consciously or unconsciously, many people let emotional unavailability get in the way of forming a healthy romantic connection. Someone who is emotionally unavailable is generally shut off from opening up to another person, sharing feelings, or being responsive to someone else’s emotions, which can make it a challenge to foster intimacy with a partner. People might become emotionally unavailable due to life circumstances, like a breakup or going through a hard time. On the other hand, some people are just innately more guarded with their feelings.

For example, Thinking types are naturally more reserved when it comes to sharing their emotions, and they can also dismiss the emotional responses of others from time to time. This is because they prefer to rely on their rationality as they move through their lives. However, keep in mind that just because Thinking types tend to have a harder time with emotional expression does not mean that all people with this personality trait are emotionally unavailable.

Similar to Thinking personalities, Assertive types might sometimes struggle with emotional unavailability because they are naturally less reactive to other people’s emotional states and are often a little less inclined to share their own emotions with others, as they usually don’t seek out external validation in this way. This absolutely comes with its advantages, but it can also get in the way of romantic connection if it means that someone is too insulated from their partner’s views and feelings.

6. People-Pleasing

Happy and healthy relationships generally require an equal give-and-take. Of course, things won’t be exactly fifty-fifty all of the time. No relationship is perfect, and there will inevitably be moments when one partner puts in greater effort or when compromise is needed. But, ultimately, both parties’ wants and needs should be prioritized in any relationship.

When someone is constantly prioritizing the needs and desires of a potential or current romantic partner above their own, it can become problematic for their relationship. This is often referred to as people-pleasing. It may seem like no big deal, but it can actually hinder the development of a genuine connection if it prevents both individuals from understanding and loving each other for who they truly are. Moreover, real intimacy requires vulnerability, which involves sharing not just positive feelings but also fears, weaknesses, and challenges. People pleasers might shy away from this level of vulnerability due to a fear of conflict.

Individuals with the Feeling and/or Turbulent personality traits might be more likely than people with other personality traits to struggle with people-pleasing, as they are significantly more likely to say they usually put other people’s needs before their own, according to our “People-Pleasing” survey. Additionally, Introverted personality types may have a particularly hard time with this barrier to connection due to the fact that they sometimes struggle to express their own needs and wants.

7. Poor Communication Skills

Last on our list are poor communication skills, which often act as a huge internal barrier to romantic connection. There are countless reasons why good communication is absolutely necessary to form a healthy romantic connection. To name just a few, good communication helps two people really get to know each other, set clear expectations, avoid misunderstandings, build trust, and work through hard moments as a team.

It is important to note that good communication means that someone can both express themselves openly and listen to others openly as well – without judgment. If someone is unable or unwilling to do these two things, it can be challenging for a relationship to grow and thrive.

What causes people to have poor communication skills? The answer to that question is extremely complex! A person’s communication style is shaped not only by their personality but also by their upbringing, learned behaviors, the cultures that they are part of, and more. Consequently, anyone can fall into poor communication patterns for a wide variety of reasons.

For example, in the context of personality, when a Turbulent Extravert feels upset, they might be so over-the-top in their expression that they overwhelm their partner. But that expression may come from a need to be heard and understood that has its roots in insecurity. By contrast, a Turbulent Introvert might keep things bottled up inside and do everything to keep the peace because they are afraid of what might happen if they start a conflict with their partner. That behavior may perhaps be born out of a fear of abandonment that developed from past experiences.

Breaking Down the Walls to Love

Now that we have explored some of the most common internal barriers to romantic connection, you might be wondering how you can break down these walls and put your very best foot forward as you navigate your romantic connections.

Well, for any personality type, the first step to any sort of positive change is usually self-awareness. That means that it might benefit you to take a moment to reflect upon a few things. The following list of questions might be a good place to start:

Are there any repetitive patterns that appear in your love life time and time again?
What coping mechanisms do you use to protect yourself?
What experiences from your past impact how you show up in your relationships?
When there is a problem in a relationship, how do you communicate?
Are you honest with yourself about what you really want from a relationship? Do your actions align with your wants and needs?

When you bring conscious awareness to your traumas and fears and how they shape the way that you interact with others, you give yourself the power of choice. You can choose to step away from the behaviors and the patterns that no longer serve you, keeping in mind that you might have adopted them at one point in time out of necessity – perhaps to protect yourself.

Growth in romantic connections comes from this place of awareness and a willingness to evolve. As you nurture better communication habits, healthier coping strategies, and a deeper understanding of your own needs and wants, you can cultivate the ability to create more fulfilling and enduring relationships – and, maybe more importantly, you can strengthen the relationship that you have with yourself.

Have you ever found yourself inadvertently getting in your own way when it comes to your love life? Share your experiences below, so we can start a conversation about overcoming our personal barriers to love.