In this life, one thing is certain: no one is perfect. We all make mistakes – big ones and small ones – in our relationships, in our work, and in the ways that we do or don’t show up for ourselves. This thing called existence is truly a learning experience.
But how do different personalities process their mistakes and shortcomings? Are they able to easily forgive themselves and move forward, or do they hold on to feelings of shame and guilt?
In this article, we’ll explore the concept of self-forgiveness through the lens of personality research. We’ll delve into how certain personality traits impact people’s willingness to forgive themselves, discuss some crucial differences between guilt and shame, and offer some insight into how to forgive yourself, regardless of your personality type.
Forgiving Others vs. Forgiving Ourselves
Forgiveness is defined as a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings toward a person or a group of people who have caused us harm. Of course, since we are capable of causing harm to ourselves, the concept of forgiveness can absolutely apply to ourselves, too, through self-forgiveness.
We investigated the ins and outs of forgiveness in the context of forgiving others in a previous article. When it comes to personality type, we discovered a distinct trend along the Thinking and Feeling spectrum that shows that Feeling types are generally more comfortable offering forgiveness to others than Thinking types are.
According to our “Forgiveness” survey, Diplomats, a Role that’s composed of four Feeling personalities, are the most likely Role to say they view themselves as forgiving. Conversely, Analysts, a Role that’s composed of four Thinking personalities, are the least likely to say they view themselves as forgiving.
This trend makes sense, as Feeling types by nature tend to allow more overt displays of compassion and empathy into their lives, making it easier to forgive others. On the other hand, Thinking types are much more likely to look at the facts and make an objective decision to forgive or not based on the severity of the harmful act and the likelihood of the transgression occurring again. This can make forgiving others challenging, depending on the context.
But does this same reasoning apply when it comes to the process of self-forgiveness?
Interestingly enough, the most likely Role to say they view themselves as forgiving (Diplomats) just so happens to be the least likely Role to say they find it easier to forgive themselves than to forgive others. By contrast, the least likely Role to say they view themselves as forgiving (Analysts) are the most likely Role to say they find it easier to forgive themselves than to forgive others. The majority of Analysts (69%), however, still say that forgiving others is easier.
“Self-Forgiveness” survey, we ask people whether they usually forgive themselves when they make a mistake. Overall, we see that an average of 42% of respondents across all personality types say they usually forgive themselves, meaning that a majority – 58% – do not usually forgive themselves.
Assertive personalities say they do, compared to only 29% of Turbulent personalities (a 44-point difference).
We see a similar trend in the responses to the question “Do you usually forgive yourself when you do something that you know you shouldn’t?”
- 57% of Assertive personalities say they do, compared to only 25% of Turbulent personalities (a 32-point difference).
- 46% of Extraverted personalities say they do, compared to only 30% of Introverted personalities (a 16-point difference).
- 38% of Thinking personalities say they do, compared to 31% of Feeling personalities (a 7-point difference).
In the context of self-forgiveness, it is clear that the Thinking and Feeling spectrum, while quite important when it comes to forgiving others, is not the main personality factor that influences people’s willingness to forgive themselves. Instead, we see that the Assertive and Turbulent spectrum and the Extraverted and Introverted spectrum show much greater differences.
When combined, these two spectrums come together to create what we call a Strategy. Each Strategy describes how an individual prefers to engage with the world (Introverted or Extraverted) and how an individual responds to stress (Assertive or Turbulent). In total there are four Strategies:
- Confident Individualism: Introverted (I) and Assertive (-A)
- Constant Improvement: Introverted (I) and Turbulent (-T)
- People Mastery: Extraverted (E) and Assertive (-A)
- Social Engagement: Extraverted (E) and Turbulent (-T)
Let’s take a look at how people with each Strategy respond to the question of whether or not they usually forgive themselves when they make a mistake.
TED Talk on the topic of shame, she had this to say:
Shame is a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say “I’m sorry. I made a mistake…” Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.
This profound difference between guilt and shame can impact how we move forward when we do something that we regret.
Guilt, for example, is a more beneficial, adaptive emotion, according to Brown. It is a state of discomfort that allows us to confront our actions and identify how those actions do not align with our values. This can serve as a motivating force that allows us to take responsibility and make positive changes.
Not surprisingly, when you identify how to make positive changes, the question of how to forgive yourself is no longer as mystifying. As a matter of fact, according to our “Self-Forgiveness” survey, 91% of all personality types agree that the act of self-forgiveness requires acknowledging one’s actions or mistakes and taking responsibility for them.
Shame, on the other hand, is a completely different story. This intense, often excruciating emotion can feel like a suffocating blanket of unworthiness wrapped tightly around your sense of self. Brown argues that shame is not productive like guilt can be. On the contrary, shame can lead to destructive and harmful behaviors and mental health problems. It can also perpetuate an unwillingness to forgive yourself for mistakes, shortcomings, or even innate, unchangeable features.
Unfortunately, shame is part of the human experience. About 71% of all personality types say feelings of shame significantly interfere with their happiness and contentment, according to our “Shame” survey. So how can we address this dark, unproductive aspect of human nature that makes us want to shrink away from the world and causes us to be so harsh and unforgiving to ourselves? We can work on self-love.
Embracing self-love is an act of rebellion against shame. It’s a declaration that your worth isn’t determined by your mistakes but by your courage to rise above them. Each time that you choose self-compassion over self-criticism, you’re rewriting your story. Remember: You are not the sum of your shortcomings but a masterpiece in progress, deserving of love and forgiveness simply because you are.
Final Words
As we’ve discussed, the process of figuring out how to forgive yourself is not easy. Self-forgiveness involves a complex interplay of personality, emotions, and conscious choice. It’s a crucial skill that deserves as much attention as forgiving others, if not more.
When we bravely confront our inner struggles, we often uncover profound truths about ourselves – our values, our fears, and our capacity for change. This self-awareness becomes a powerful tool for personal growth, enabling us to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding and to let go of any feelings of guilt or shame that may be weighing us down.
We’ve shared our research, but we want to hear from you. What strategies have you found helpful when you are struggling to forgive yourself? And how does your personality type influence your approach? Join the conversation in the comments below, and let’s learn from each other’s experiences.
And be sure to watch this space for more articles in our series on self-forgiveness and personality:
- How to Forgive Yourself as an INTJ: Reframing Mistakes and Embracing Imperfection
- How to Forgive Yourself as an INFP: From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
- How to Forgive Yourself as an ISFJ Personality
- How to Forgive Yourself as an ISFP: Crafting Resilience from Vulnerability
Further Reading
- Understanding Forgiveness through the Lens of Personality Type
- “You’re So Hard on Yourself”: Self-Criticism through the Lens of Personality
- How to Take a Mental Health Day for Your Personality Type
- To learn more about how your personality influences your personal growth, relationships, career path, and more, check out our Premium Suite of guides and tests for your personality type. It contains the insights that you need to build the life that you’ve always envisioned.