How to Improve Relationship Communication as an Advocate (INFJ)

Healthy, supportive communication is essential in any relationship, especially through the ups and downs of romantic relationships. While some may struggle to open up, Advocates (INFJs) are comfortable striking up deep and meaningful conversations with their significant others.

Outside of their close relationships, though, they can be private and reserved. Yet Advocate personalities are full of big plans and strong emotions, and bottling up these thoughts and feelings can be stifling. Intimate relationships are the arena in which they really get to open up and start expressing themselves. Unsurprisingly, this can be a relief for Advocates as well as for their partners. Those who form romantic relationships with Advocate personalities benefit from their warm and encouraging communication style.

Still, Advocates tend to have a few communication weaknesses that can throttle the kindness and empathy that they’re best known for. Despite their good intentions, they may find that these shortcomings can take a toll on their relationships. If you’re an Advocate, here are a few relationship communication pitfalls to avoid and what to do instead.

Striving for Peace

Advocates are persistently principled, always striving to be better both for themselves and for their loved ones. Their sense of compassion and generosity can go a long way in romantic relationships. In fact, they’re one of the top personality types to say they make more sacrifices for others than for themselves.

There comes a time in any relationship, though, where Advocates will need a little TLC in return. Given their Intuitive and Feeling traits, Advocate personalities may expect their partners to be just as intuitive about what they need. Or they may simply not want to burden their partners with their requests. Either way, people with this personality type may rely on passive and indirect communication until the other person “reads” what they want. And if their partner doesn’t, Advocates may bury their feelings and needs to keep the peace in the relationship.

Understandably, this can lead to frustration and misunderstandings, especially within the emotionally charged confines of romance. Additionally, it can wreak havoc on the minds and spirits of Advocates, who may become burned out and resentful after giving so much without receiving the same treatment in return. It turns out that keeping the peace with others can sometimes mean sacrificing your own peace of mind.

Solution: Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

If you’re an Advocate personality type, you might feel more comfortable using indirect language. You may catch yourself saying things like, “It’s okay, I’ll be fine,” even when you don’t mean it. Or you might sigh to hint that you’re upset. But a healthier way to express yourself is to use clear, direct communication.

Ask for a hand when you need (or just want) help. Speak up about what’s bothering you in your relationship. And though your listening skills are a gift, allow yourself to speak as much as you listen.

This may, at first, feel like it’s easier said than done. And because many Advocates have idealistic standards for their relationships, you may wonder if your connection with your partner is truly functional or “good enough” if you have to directly say what you’re thinking and needing. This doubt could be enough to dissuade you from practicing clear communication.

Needing to lay it all out for your significant other doesn’t undermine the quality of your relationship – in fact, it contributes to it. To get started practicing clear communication, tell your partner that this is a skill that you’re working on. Then, when you’re ready to speak up, try using “I” statements, focusing on your feelings and specific requests.

Reading Deep between the Lines

Advocates’ Intuitive trait lends to their imagination and ability to find deeper, hidden meanings in the world around them. When it comes to relationship communication, this can be both a blessing and a curse.

This intuition helps Advocates read between the lines and empathize with their significant others. But it can also lead to some unhelpful assumptions. People with this personality type may scan a partner’s words, body language, and tone of voice for potential problems, even when there aren’t any. This can be especially true for Turbulent Advocates, who more often deal with some doubts in their relationships.

One place where this plays out is in feedback and criticism from a partner. Advocates appreciate constructive criticism, but they may be sensitive to criticism that isn’t communicated in a thoughtful, gentle manner. When an Advocate receives this type of feedback from a romantic partner, they may assume the worst, thinking that their partner no longer cares for them or that the relationship is in shambles. And these types of assumptions can really sour the connection that they share with their partner.

Solution: Ask, Don’t Assume

If you’re an Advocate, realize that you may be empathetic and insightful, but you’re not a mind reader – nor do you have to be. It’s okay to ask for clarification if you’re unsure what your partner meant or if you think there may be a deeper meaning to what they’ve said.

And though it can be challenging at first, start to notice when you’re jumping to conclusions rather than making a judgment based on facts. Most importantly, notice when your imagination is leading you to negative conclusions that threaten your relationship and connection with your significant other.

Then, take a step back and evaluate what information you have and other alternative explanations that could be equally plausible. Discuss these thoughts with your partner to see if any apply to the situation at hand. They may be able to give you the clarification that you need, and they might even offer an explanation that you would’ve never guessed.

Oversharing Is Caring?

Advocates aren’t known for being quick to open up. But when they do, such as in the security of a romantic relationship, they often have a lot to say. And people with this personality type aren’t satisfied with small talk and discussing superficial topics. Our research shows that 87% of Advocates actually find deep conversations easier to maintain than lighthearted ones. But this can lead to oversharing, where they discuss their feelings or thoughts in excess.

Now, of course, talking about emotions and personal needs is an essential part of relationship communication. But this can turn into problematic oversharing for Advocates when they reveal feelings, thoughts, and even criticisms without thinking over how that information will be received and what resolution they hope to reach. Because Advocate personalities value authenticity and honesty, they may believe that they’re doing the right thing by, say, pointing out a partner’s character flaw. But without thinking through how their comment will land or what outcome they hope to achieve, it could do more harm than good.

Solution: Think before You Speak

If you’re an Advocate, you likely already know that your Judging trait means that you don’t usually act in spontaneous ways. Still, you may at times speak without thinking through the consequences of your words, especially with those you’re close to.

Decide the intention behind your comment as well as what resolution you hope it will achieve. You may not need to bite your tongue altogether, but a tweak to how you deliver your message could make all the difference.

When in the heat of the moment or asked a tough question, thinking before you speak can be trickier. Buying yourself a little time before responding can help. One way to do this is to repeat back what the other person said while you consider how to reply. You can also simply say, “I don’t know,” “Let me think about it,” or even, “Um…” to give yourself a moment to think over your word choice.

Conclusion: Bringing Kindness to Communication

Advocate personalities lead with kindness in everything that they do, including how they communicate. Values like harmony, sensitivity, and authenticity guide how Advocates speak with those they love.

But there can be too much of a good thing. With some small adjustments, people with this personality type can use their values and unique traits to bring genuine kindness to their romantic relationships – and even to the world.