You might have strong feelings about your past romantic relationships, whether it’s sadness, a smile…or a shudder. But the past can be a great teacher, if you view it in the right way. Here, I’ll guide you through an exercise to examine the personality type interplay in your past relationships, including using some of our amazing Relationship Tools and Assessments. It’ll take a little active effort, but it can be really eye-opening.
Whether you know it or not, personality types play a major role in how your relationships turn out – past and present. Digging into the past may bring up emotions, and that’s okay – it’s important to acknowledge and process them as you go. You can do the following steps all at once or a little at a time. Ready?
- Make a list. It’s up to you which of your past relationships you want to include in this examination. You can list them all, just the significant and recent ones, or just a particular one. Write down the name(s).
- Note their personality type. If you already know the personality types of your past partners, write that info down next to their name. If you don’t know someone’s type, estimate it with our free Romance Type Guesser (accuracy serves you here, so do your best to be objective). Or, if reasonable, you could even ask them to take our test and send you their results.
- Recall your interactions. What behaviors and habits were most – or least – compatible between you? Try to remember all the little ways you and the other person interacted on a routine basis, how it felt, and how it steered the relationship over time. Jot down whatever comes to mind as having affected the relationship most, good or bad.
Example: Perhaps you both liked wild adventures or spending lots of quiet time together, or you disagreed on how to balance those things. Or maybe one of you was always talking about imaginative hopes and ideas, while the other was much more focused on taking realistic action rather than dreaming.
- Get more knowledge. Use our awesome free personality profiles, and compare your and your past partner’s type descriptions to the notes you made about the relationship. (Our in-depth Couple Analysis tool can also shed light, even on past relationships.) Write down any correlations between the described behavior of both personality types and your personal experiences – don’t be surprised if you’re challenged by what you read or have some aha moments.
Example: If one of you is a Thinking personality type and the other is a Feeling type, the former may have seemed emotionally distant during the relationship, or perhaps the latter seemed overly emotional.
- Look for patterns. So, you now have notes about how personality type played into your past relationships. Can you spot any trends? Were the best and worst aspects of a relationship related to a major, core personality tendency, either yours or a partner’s? Do you seem to prefer similar types, and has that been good for you? Note down what worked, what didn’t, and how it was related to personality type interactions.
Example: A Prospecting Introvert might have a habit of falling for Judging Extraverts because they seem so “together” and focused, but then might end up feeling stifled by being in a relationship with someone who so strongly values controlled structure.
- Consider making adjustments. When you understand how personality traits have affected your past relationships, it gives you a chance to improve things in the here and now. Or simply to have a new, happier perspective on who you are. And if you’ve been selecting partners whose personality traits show a pattern, recognizing what has and hasn’t made you happy can help make your romantic future brighter.
The above exercise can be surprisingly deep and revealing. It may require a lot of objectivity to see the truth, but understanding the interplay of personality types can help you make decisions that lead to happiness. The past is not an instruction manual on what to do (perhaps it’s the opposite, eh?), but it can serve as a reference to guide your future.
There are no incompatible personalities, and none should be avoided, but you might consider approaching certain people in a new way. (Hint: We offer lots of materials about different romantic type pairings.)
Further Reading
Seeking a deeper understanding of your relationships and how to improve them?
- Our Relationship Tools and Assessments can give you incredible insights to make your romantic relationship more joyful and fulfilling, so check them out. We also have oodles of amazing, free advice articles – and not just on the subject of romance. And of course, your in-depth Premium Profile awaits your discovery, with chapters on romance, career, personal growth, and much more.
- Try our “Falling in Love” survey and see how your results compare with others of your personality type, and all of the 16 types.
- Check out our insightful article, “Introvert-Extravert Relationships: Can They Work?”