People-Pleasing and Personality: Exploring Why We Put Others’ Needs First

“It’s okay, I can stay late to finish the project.”

“I know I said I wanted Italian food, but if you prefer Chinese, that’s fine with me.”

“I don’t really feel up for it, but I’ll still try to make it.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Can we just forget that I mentioned it?”

Do any of the above statements sound familiar? Have you ever found yourself sacrificing your own needs, preferences, or well-being to please others? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, there’s a chance that you might be a people pleaser.

One might think that people-pleasing is just being kind or selfless, and while it can sometimes work out that way, that is actually not the case. People-pleasing is simply a behavior that involves prioritizing others’ wants and needs above your own – sometimes at the expense of your mental, physical, or emotional well-being. The opposite of people-pleasing would be to act with your own self-interest in mind and to prioritize your independence.

Of course, too much independence without consideration for others is problematic. But the same can be said for placing too much focus on other people’s needs while constantly putting yourself last. Just like most things in life, there is a healthy balance to be made when it comes to how we prioritize ourselves and others.

In this article, we’ll take a deep dive into the world of people-pleasing by exploring why people do it, its consequences, and what it can look like. Then, through the lens of personality theory, we’ll uncover why some individuals are more likely to engage in people-pleasing behaviors than others. Lastly, we’ll explore the reasons why we should all stop putting our own needs last!

Unmasking People-Pleasing

Humans are often driven by an innate desire to be accepted by the group. This need for social acceptance can be traced back to our earliest ancestors.

In the past, being ostracized from others meant facing the harsh realities of the natural world alone, without the protection and resources that the group provided. As a result, our behavior has evolved over time to prioritize social harmony.

Fast-forward to modern times. The consequences of social rejection may not be as dire as they once were, but this deep-seated desire to maintain positive relationships with others is still extremely common.

Think about it. How do you feel when somebody – whether it’s a parent or your best friend or even a stranger on the street – gets upset with you or disapproves of your actions in some way? Some people are definitely able to shake it off more easily than others, but there’s a good chance that most people would say that they would rather avoid those uncomfortable moments. And so, pleasing-people behaviors persist among us.

But in today’s world, instead of survival, people-pleasing often boils down to a need for external validation and connection. People pleasers generally crave the following emotional needs:

Approval and acceptance from others
Affection and love
Validation of their worth and value

Conversely, they might bend over backward to please others as a way to avoid disapproval, rejection, abandonment, or conflict.

Generally speaking, people pleasers pursue external validation and connection, and they try to avoid unpleasant situations. This can manifest through various behaviors. These are some of the key signs of people-pleasing:

Struggling to say no to people
Constantly apologizing
Feeling bad for setting boundaries
Not being able to express feelings or needs
Being overly agreeable
Frequently monitoring other people’s emotional states
Avoiding difficult conversations
Seeking out approval

All of the behaviors mentioned above, while seemingly harmless in the moment, can lead to a pattern of prioritizing others over oneself. And this kind of chronic self-sacrifice can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of one’s identity. It can also damage the very relationships that people pleasers are trying to maintain.

Now, you might be wondering, what does personality theory have to do with all of this?

As it turns out, certain personality traits can absolutely make someone more prone to engaging in people-pleasing behaviors. After all, despite the fact that all human beings share many common threads, each individual personality type still has unique preferences and quirks based on their special blend of traits.

Haven’t discovered your personality type yet? Try our free personality test today.

The Intersection of Personality and People-Pleasing

To better understand the role that personality plays when it comes to people-pleasing, we’ll be drawing on insights from our “People-Pleasing” survey.

For starters, the results reveal one unifying truth: No personality type is entirely immune to this behavior. Across every personality type, an average of 66% of respondents say that they do indeed usually put other people’s needs before their own.

Similarly, across every personality type, an average of 76% of respondents say that they often hide their true feelings to avoid upsetting others.

These statistics underscore just how pervasive people-pleasing tendencies are. But even though they are common, our survey also reveals some intriguing differences between personalities.

Core Personality Patterns in People-Pleasing Behaviors

According to our survey, Turbulent and Feeling personalities are significantly more inclined toward people-pleasing behavior than their Assertive and Thinking counterparts are. Just take a look at some of the key statistics from our survey:

Do you usually put other people’s needs before your own?

73% of Turbulent personalities say they do, compared to only 48% of Assertive personalities (a 25-point difference).
82% of Feeling personalities say they do, compared to only 42% of Thinking personalities (a 40-point difference).

Do you usually say yes to things you don’t want to do out of a fear of disappointing others?

77% of Turbulent personalities say they do, compared to only 40% of Assertive personalities (a 37-point difference).
78% of Feeling personalities say they do, compared to only 49% of Thinking personalities (a 29-point difference).

Do you worry a lot about what others think of you?

83% of Turbulent personalities say they do, compared to only 32% of Assertive personalities (a 51-point difference).
76% of Feeling personalities say they do, compared to only 58% of Thinking personalities (an 18-point difference).

First of all, this information reveals that people-pleasing tendencies are common on both sides of these personality spectrums (Thinking vs. Feeling and Assertive vs. Turbulent). So we cannot make black-and-white assumptions that say that Thinking types never fall into people-pleasing habits or that Turbulent types never prioritize themselves. Those things simply aren’t true. We have to remember that each of an individual’s personality traits, in addition to their unique upbringing, culture, and belief system, impacts their inclination toward people-pleasing.

That said, we do see that the Turbulent and Feeling traits are strongly associated with a higher propensity for people-pleasing. Why might we see these differences?

For Turbulent types, people-pleasing may be largely due to their emotional intensity and struggle with self-esteem. Not only do these individuals tend to experience emotions more urgently – particularly the negative ones – but they also have a stronger need for emotional validation and approval from others. This craving for external affirmation can lead them to prioritize others’ wants and needs over their own. They might believe that, by making others happy, they’ll avoid disapproval or rejection.

By contrast, Assertive personalities are less likely to fall into constant people-pleasing patterns (although they absolutely still can) because they are more likely to put their own needs first. These individuals are generally more confident and resilient in the face of criticism or disapproval, which makes them less likely to compromise their own needs to please others.

Moving on to Feeling personalities, these individuals possess an innate ability to sense and understand others’ feelings. This can sometimes cause people with the Feeling trait to do what they can to make sure that the people around them continue to feel good, even if it means sacrificing their own needs in the process. For example, an INFJ personality (Advocate) might agree to attend a social event that they don’t have the energy for because they can sense how disappointed their friend would be if they declined.

Overall, Feeling types’ strong empathy makes it difficult for them to witness others’ discomfort or disappointment. While their ability to take on others’ feelings can be a strength, it can also get them into trouble when their concern for others becomes excessive.

By contrast, Thinking types approach interpersonal interactions differently. They tend to prioritize logic and objectivity over emotional considerations. That doesn’t mean that they’re devoid of empathy, but they are less likely to be overwhelmed by others’ emotional states in their decision-making processes. However, these personalities might sometimes fall into people-pleasing patterns because they can struggle to express their feelings and needs to others. They might hide their emotions and go with the flow of what other people want because it is easier than getting into the nitty-gritty of how they feel about something.

All that said, the Thinking vs. Feeling spectrum and the Assertive vs. Turbulent spectrum are not the only personality factors that impact one’s propensity to engage in people-pleasing.

How Do Introversion and Extraversion Factor In?

At this point, you might be wondering how Introversion and Extraversion come into play. The data from our “People-Pleasing” survey suggests that these traits have a similar influence on a person’s likelihood to engage in people-pleasing behavior. However, Introverts and Extraverts tend to have distinct motivations and engage in the behavior differently.

For example, Extraverts might engage in people-pleasing because they highly value positive social interactions. Their natural inclination toward socializing and connecting with others can lead to a strong desire to be liked by everyone they encounter.

That said, even though this tendency is common among the majority of Extraverts, it’s important to keep in mind that it is even more pronounced among Turbulent Extraverts, who often experience a more intense pressure to secure and maintain social approval than Assertive Extraverts do.

So what sets Extraverts apart from Introverts, then? Well, many Introverts still want other people to like them, but they also face additional challenges when it comes to people-pleasing.

In cultures that often glorify Extraverted tendencies, Introverted personalities might struggle more with expressing their wants and needs to people who expect a lot from them. They usually don’t have the bandwidth of social energy to say yes to every social activity or responsibility, but they might not know how to express that to others without being misunderstood. After all, it can be hard to disappoint someone by not showing up or not participating. It may seem like an Introvert just isn’t making the effort, but as most Introverted personalities would understand, sometimes adding another outing to your to-do list feels like the worst thing ever.

So how do Introverts deal with these feelings? They might often keep their wishes to themselves and force themselves to go to the party or to the work event or whatever the case may be. By agreeing with others or going along with their plans, they effectively minimize the attention on themselves and avoid the potential conflict that could arise from expressing differing needs.

This leads us right into discussing another key difference between Introverts and Extraverts. In our survey, we ask, “Are you more likely to try to please others by actively praising them or passively agreeing with them?” A slim majority of Extraverts (52%) say they resort to active praise. Conversely, the majority of Introverts (71%) say they more often resort to passive agreement.

Boundaries, Planning, and Going with the Flow

Last but not least, Prospecting personalities tend to be slightly more prone to people-pleasing than their Judging counterparts are. This can be attributed to their flexible and adaptable nature. Prospecting types are more open to a variety of possibilities and reluctant to firmly commit to a course of action. Consequently, they are more likely to go with the flow and adjust their plans to accommodate others.

For example, a Prospecting individual might readily change their weekend plans to help a friend move, even if it means sacrificing their own relaxation time. They might also be more likely to agree to last-minute requests or changes, potentially overcommitting themselves in the process. While this flexibility can be a strength, it can also lead to a pattern of prioritizing others’ needs over their own.

On the other hand, Judging personalities are generally slightly less likely to engage in people-pleasing behavior. Their preference for structure, planning, and clear boundaries can make it easier for them to stick to their own agenda and priorities.

However, it’s important to note that Judging types can still fall into people-pleasing behaviors – particularly when people-pleasing aligns with their sense of duty or responsibility. They might, for example, go out of their way to fulfill a commitment that they’ve made, even if it’s no longer convenient for them, out of a strong desire to be reliable and meet others’ expectations.

Why You Should Stop People-Pleasing

As we’ve explored throughout this article, people-pleasing is a common behavior that stems from our deep-seated need for connection and approval. But even though it’s common and sometimes well-intentioned, it’s important to recognize that these seemingly selfless acts often come at a steep price – and not just for ourselves but for our relationships too.

People-pleasing isn’t the noble pursuit that it sometimes appears to be on the surface. In reality, it’s often rooted in fear and codependency and only masquerading as kindness. While it can temporarily smooth over social interactions, it can also leave us feeling drained, frustrated, anxious, and disconnected from our true selves.

Moreover, the impact on our relationships can be profound. Our survey reveals that 64% of respondents across all personality types agree that people-pleasing actually weakens relationships rather than strengthening them. This makes sense when you consider the resentment and passive-aggressive behavior that can build up over time when we consistently prioritize others’ needs over our own.

But even with this widespread recognition of how people-pleasing can weaken relationships, many of us continue to engage in this behavior. It’s as if we’re stuck in a cycle where we know the potential harm, but we’re unable to break free. Why might that be?

Perhaps it’s because it’s easier to choose the path of least resistance. It might feel better to choose a familiar strategy that helps us avoid immediate discomfort. But is it really worth it if we have to sacrifice both what is right for us and the opportunity to form authentic connections with others where we can actually be ourselves?

As we conclude this article, there are three crucial takeaways that we hope you’ll come back to whenever you feel the urge to please others instead of prioritizing yourself:

Saying no when you need to, expressing your true feelings, and allowing others to experience disappointment or disagreement isn’t being selfish. It’s a normal part of human interaction. The people who really care about you will respect how you feel and what you want.
We don’t exist to make everyone else happy at our own expense. In fact, we’re better equipped to contribute positively to others’ lives when we’re truly cared for and content.
Your value doesn’t come from others’ approval. You are inherently valuable.

As you move forward, challenge yourself to recognize and curb your people-pleasing tendencies. Start small at first, and work your way up to the more challenging feats.

It might feel uncomfortable when you start to say no or speak up, but remember: Every time that you honor your own needs and feelings, you’re not just loving yourself. You’re also paving the way for more genuine and fulfilling relationships. And that’s something that benefits everyone involved.

To learn more about how different personality types can overcome people-pleasing behaviors and achieve a healthier balance in life, check out more articles in this series:

Why INFJ Personalities Struggle with People-Pleasing (and How to Stop)