In relationships, communication is a two-way street. No matter what your personality type is, expressing yourself can be difficult. This is especially true when it comes to matters of the heart.
The way that we receive love and affection, together with how we express our own feelings for others, is often referred to as our love language. If you haven’t yet, take a moment to read this article about the seven distinct ways that we’ve identified for expressing love.
It’s true that each individual has distinct preferences when it comes to their love language. Personality types, however, give us a fairly accurate sense of how people prefer to be shown love and to express it in return.
In this article, we’re going to take a look at Defenders (ISFJs) and how their unique combination of personality traits – particularly the Introverted and Feeling traits – influence how they express this most primary emotion.
How Defenders Show Love
Defenders, in general, are conscientious romantic partners. They are supportive, family-oriented, and instinctively generous with their time and energy. These characteristics are strongly reflected in the ways that they convey their deepest affection, which often manifests through plenty of thoughtful actions, time and attention, and recognition and appreciation.
Thoughtful Actions
The primary way that people with this personality type are likely to express their love is through heartfelt, thoughtful actions. Being of service to others is one of Defenders’ defining characteristics, and when it comes to their significant other, they can take it to a whole new level.
Heavily influenced by their Feeling trait, Defenders readily sacrifice both time and energy for their loved ones. They may even put their mental well-being on the line. This type of self-sacrifice tends to create a deep sense of satisfaction (even if they occasionally end up feeling overwhelmed). Their actions are love manifested into reality.
Time and Attention
Defenders tend to want to spend as much time as possible with their romantic partner. As Introverts, they most likely prefer for that time to be spent one-on-one. The best date isn’t so much about what they are doing – it’s about being together and focusing their time and attention on the one they love most. Some of their most treasured memories are likely to come from these shared moments.
Recognition and Appreciation
Defenders tend to be appreciative personality types. They generally notice what their partner does and lovingly recognize their contributions. This grateful recognition may manifest through heartfelt compliments, sincere “I love yous,” or a thoughtful gift. For people with this personality type, recognition and appreciation are part of the foundation of a solid relationship. They underlie Defenders’ profound sentimentality and deep attachment to their partner.
How Defenders Receive Love
Defenders often need to be shown love in much the same way that they generously dole it out. They certainly notice and appreciate what their loved ones do for them, but for thoughtful actions to be considered true demonstrations of love, they should be done with the right motivation.
If you want a Defender to know that you love them, your words and actions should be based on recognition and appreciation for who they are and all that they do. Your time and attention, psychological support, and a healthy dose of physical closeness are other ways to assure your Defender partner that they have a place in your heart.
Recognition and Appreciation
More than any other love language, showing your recognition and appreciation is the most surefire way to communicate your love to a Defender. People with this personality type do so much to support those they care about and rarely expect their thoughtful actions to be reciprocated. It’s normal for them to downplay everything that they do, but they often feel as if most people don’t even see their contributions, and that can hurt.
If you love a Defender, let them know that you see their hard work and appreciate how much they go out of their way to support you. You can do this through a thoughtful action or a sincere compliment that specifically recognizes something that they have done. Better yet, combine the two! Imagine taking the sponge out of your Defender partner’s hands and saying, “I appreciate the way you take care of me and our family by dealing with the day-to-day details like washing the dishes. There’s no mistaking how much you love us! So let me show you that I love you too. Why don’t you let me take a turn?” Even if they seemingly brush off your appreciation, thoughtful actions like this will penetrate straight to their heart.
Just make sure that these moments are private. Even if you want to shout from the rooftop how much you love them, most Defenders appreciate these displays of love when they’re done far from the eyes of others. You wouldn’t want to embarrass them, would you?
Time and Attention
Defenders tend to crave the gift of time and attention from their partners. They thrive when paired up with people who are as equally committed to the relationship as they are. Schedule a low-key date night, include them in your social life, or just spend a night in together.
Defenders’ Feeling personality trait heavily influences their need to belong, and when their partner freely gives of their time and attention, it fills them with a sense of meaning and connection that speaks to their soul.
Psychological Support
Defenders are not generally quick to become emotionally vulnerable in a relationship. And if they do open up, it may be somewhat distressing for them. This doesn’t mean, however, that they don’t deeply value emotional expressiveness in their partner. In fact, they are likely to feel honored when their partner is emotionally vulnerable and, in turn, feel safe enough to express their innermost feelings.
Likewise, Defenders are likely to crave that feeling of being fundamentally understood as well as the freedom to express themselves – something that is only possible through consistent psychological support.
Physical Closeness
Thanks to the influence of their Introverted and Feeling traits, Defenders tend to crave emotional affection more than the physical kind. The joys of physically expressing love and appreciation are not lost on them, though. Of all the Sentinel personality types, Defenders are the most likely to admit that they do not get enough physical touch within their relationships.
For Defenders, physical closeness within the safety of an intimate relationship is a well-received love language. They may not be the first to initiate contact, but they will feel their partner’s love when they hold hands or cuddle.
Conclusion
While it’s a safe bet that people with this personality type will support their partners through thoughtful actions and feel loved when shown recognition and appreciation, there is no single love language “combo” that fully describes the romantic expressions of every Defender. The study of personality theory gives us some solid generalities to work with, but each individual is unique and multifaceted.
Self-reflection and open conversations with your partner are the best ways to explore this aspect of your personality. Uncovering your preferred love language can help tighten the bonds of any relationship.
If you’re a Defender, how does your love language change when you are showing love or receiving it? Let us know with a comment below.
Further Reading
- So You’re Dating A Defender (ISFJ)
- That Thing You Bring to Love
- According to Your Personality Type, You May Be in Love If…
- Check out our premium Relationships Specialized Tests to explore how your personality traits may influence the most important relationships in your life.
- Lean more about love languages for Mediators and Adventurers.