Reciprocity and Love: The Art of Give-and-Take in Relationships

The first stage of romance can feel amazing. But, eventually, your dopamine levels around your significant other start to normalize. As you move beyond that exhilarating honeymoon phase, you return to earth in an established relationship – and with the potentially uncomfortable realization that intimate love requires effort and a lot of hard work.

Chances are you don’t want all that effort and work to feel like throwing spaghetti against the wall, hoping that something sticks. To avoid that, it’s helpful to understand the concept of reciprocity and its role in relationships.

What Does Reciprocity Have to Do with Love?

Reciprocity is easily summed up by the simple phrase “give-and-take.” Think of it like this – you and your significant other are engaged in a relationship defined by constant exchanges. You offer certain things to them, such as logistical or emotional support, financial collaboration, and affection – just to name a few. In return, you expect your partner to do the same for you, even if those expectations are not explicitly stated. You expect them to reciprocate.

In healthy relationships, this give-and-take is perceived as more or less equal between partners. Kind gestures and affection are returned, favors are exchanged, and each person generally feels like the other contributes to keeping their metaphorical cup full. While some people might keep tabs on who “owes” who, most of us go about this dance of give-and-take fairly unconsciously. It’s when things become unbalanced that we start to pay attention, because conflict inevitably starts to brew.

Not surprisingly, our personality plays a role in the reciprocal dynamics of a relationship. When we understand how personality-related tendencies can cause reciprocity to falter, we can develop the necessary self-awareness to effectively do the work that’s needed to keep everything in balance.

Personality and Reciprocity

Each facet of our personality has some influence on how we contribute to our relationship, tend to our partner, and care for our own needs. But of the five different dimensions of personality, one seems to have a uniquely strong influence on how we approach the give-and-take that is required in romance. I’m referring to the Nature scale, which includes the Thinking and Feeling personality traits.

In this particular article, we are not going to review how every individual personality trait influences reciprocity in a relationship. If you would like a trait-by-trait breakdown of how you and your partner’s personalities are likely to interact, ask them to take our free personality test, then try our premium Couple Analysis tool.

Giving Too Much

Some people have a tendency to give, give, and give more of themselves, no matter how much – or how little – effort their partner puts in. For them, the work of a relationship can include setting aside their own needs and ignoring, justifying, or explaining away any complaints or frustrations.

These tendencies are most common among Feeling personality types, who often develop a strong sense of loyalty or responsibility to their partner. They are known to be incredibly tolerant with the people they love, and it’s not uncommon for them to put the needs of others ahead of their own – proof of their potentially self-sacrificing nature.

Feeling personalities may also blame themselves when something goes wrong in their relationship. They often apologize for things that are not really their fault or that their partner misinterprets. Their desire to avoid conflict (or even the perception of conflict) is strong and underlies a certain sense of guilt when they do speak up or voice their concerns. Their preference for peace can also push them to let certain issues in their relationship go unresolved.

This type of emotional giving comes naturally for many people with this trait, but their cup can quickly run dry if they give too much of themselves.

Not Giving Enough

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we find personality types who are likely to navigate their relationship through a strongly rational approach. They’re less restrained by a fear of rejection or conflict and more beholden to their personal interests.

These are usually Thinking personalities, and when it comes to romantic partnerships, these types tend to be more straightforward and explicit about what they need. That isn’t a bad thing, but people with this trait may overlook the emotional impact of their words, behaviors, and ways of being, which can lead to tension. They are loyal to what they consider to be the truth and less ready to offer patience, tolerance, flexibility, or grace to their partner if it means accepting something that strikes them as nonsense.

Thinking types are also significantly more likely than Feeling types to put limits around what they are willing to do or sacrifice for the person they love. They don’t always find a sense of purpose in doing things for others and often feel like their primary responsibility is to themselves. These inclinations underlie their tendency to pursue their own goals, even if doing so might hurt their partner’s feelings.

These attitudes, when taken to the extreme, can require a fair amount of flexibility and understanding from their partner for the relationship to work – flexibility and understanding that Thinking personalities may not always spontaneously offer in return.

Putting Personality Differences in Perspective

Before we go any further, I want to clarify that not everyone with the Feeling trait is willing to give until they have nothing left in them, nor is everyone with the Thinking trait automatically inconsiderate or selfish.

Thinking personalities can also struggle with giving too much, just in distinctly Thinking ways. They might give their partner all the freedom and autonomy that the other person desires, for example, while not receiving the same consideration in return. On the other hand, Feeling personalities can also take too much. They might unwittingly overstep their partner’s boundaries through their expectations for emotional vulnerability, for example.

While not exactly exaggerated, the descriptions offered above represent the two radically opposite expressions of this one particular aspect of personality – expressions that, to one extent or another, are likely to interact with other personality traits to impact the reciprocal dynamics of romantic relationships.

Remember, personality is complex. Even people with the same personality type vary in their behaviors, beliefs, and ways of being. Individual traits vary in prominence for any given person, and the way that each trait plays off of the others can also be shaped by external factors.

Creating Balanced Reciprocity

So now we come to the big question that this article aims to address: How do you walk that line between giving (both to your significant other and the relationship as a whole) and knowing when to take?

Be Clear about What You Need

The best way to support a healthy give-and-take dynamic with your partner is to be clear about what you need. This might sound counterintuitive, but if you are clear about what you need, you can ask for it. Communicating your needs also makes things much easier for your partner, eliminating much of the guesswork around anticipating and fulfilling your expectations.

Done kindly, fairly, and with a light heart, this can actually be an opportunity to grow closer and understand each other better. Thinking types are especially likely to appreciate the clarity and honesty of plainly spoken needs.

Don’t Empty Your Cup

Burnout is real, and if you’re overextending yourself or not getting the support that you need, there is nothing wrong with pulling back for the sake of self-preservation. A good place to start is identifying the porous boundaries in your relationship.

Do you find yourself taking on your partner’s problems as your own? Or maybe you dedicate a lot of energy to helping them analyze difficult situations that they don’t seem to want to understand. Do you dedicate more mental and/or emotional energy tending to their well-being and goals than you do to your own? Or maybe you have assumed the role of organizing the logistical aspects of your shared life but feel burdened by (and resentful of) the mental load that is required to keep everything on track.

If you struggle with boundaries around these types of problematic situations, you might want to consider focusing your personal growth efforts on becoming more comfortable maintaining healthy boundaries.

Curious about porous boundaries or boundaries in general? Check out the article “I Love You, but You Can’t Do That: Boundaries, Love, and Personality Types” to learn more.

Accept Personal Responsibility

Supporting positive reciprocity in relationships requires much more than communicating your needs and maintaining boundaries that support your well-being. You must also be willing to acknowledge how your behaviors and expectations impact your partner.

Can you take responsibility for your words and actions and make the changes that are necessary to respect their boundaries or accommodate their needs? When each person in a relationship assumes full responsibility for the part that they play in the overall dynamics, the work of a relationship can be shared equally.

Stay Flexible

Erase the scorecard. Give your partner some grace. Give yourself some grace. Give-and-take isn’t only an external dynamic between you and your significant other. You also have to develop an internal sense of give-and-take. Know when to stay firm, know when to be flexible, and be willing to adapt your expectations to those of your partner and the realities of your relationship. Doing so will create space for empathy and mutual understanding, enhancing intimacy and reinforcing the sense of connection that bonds you two together.

Final Thoughts

Balanced reciprocity in a romantic relationship looks like both partners taking what they need: holding clear boundaries, communicating their needs, and protecting their sense of personal space and identity within the partnership. It also requires each person to intentionally give to the other: respecting boundaries, stepping up to meet needs, and supporting their partner’s goals.

But reciprocity is not tit for tat. It doesn’t even have to be explicitly equal. What works in one relationship may not work in another. There’s no strict formula to follow. You’ll know that healthy reciprocity exists when each person feels like the relationship enhances their overall well-being rather than detracts from it.

The key is in approaching this dance of give-and-take with intentionality and effort. In doing so, you and your partner can overcome tension and conflict to cultivate a deeply satisfying sense of unity and mutual support.