For Architect (INTJ) personality types, the intricate balance of give-and-take in their romantic relationships might best be described as a dance between mutual support and independence.
At the heart of every successful romantic relationship are healthy boundaries and a balanced sense of reciprocity. Achieving this balance involves a cooperative exchange where partners mutually support each other’s needs while also caring for their own well-being.
Unfortunately, many people interact with their partner instinctively and without much thought. Because of this, it’s easy for an unhealthy give-and-take dynamic to develop, even between two people who love each other deeply. If one partner or the other (or both) feels drained, frustrated, overwhelmed, or suffocated within the relationship, it might be a sign that something is off.
Our article “Reciprocity and Love: The Art of Give-and-Take in Relationships” explores how the Thinking and Feeling personality traits strongly influence this fundamental exchange. In that article, we discuss how the Thinking trait is often associated with a stronger tendency to “take,” while the Feeling trait is more often linked with the inclination to “give.” Those observations are not at all absolute truths, however, and these single traits never act alone. “Taking” is not automatically bad, and “giving” is not automatically good, as might be assumed.
That’s why it’s essential to study each personality type to understand how different people might interact in their most intimate relationships.
In this article, we’re going to dig into how people with the Architect (INTJ) personality type might find balance in the ways that they give and take to create a healthy, fulfilling partnership with the person they love.
Architect personalities share the Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging traits. This combination indicates a personality that is defined by a preference for using their intellect and a strong sense of independence – characteristics that undeniably shape how Architects interact with their significant others. These big-picture thinkers are generally deliberate and purposeful in their actions. When harnessed for the cause of love, this tendency allows them to intentionally develop and contribute to a healthy reciprocal dynamic.
If Architects are not mindful, however, the ways in which they give and take can become unbalanced and problematic.
Architects and Boundaries: A Starting Point
To understand how Architects are likely to interact with their partners, it helps to look at certain facets of this personality type that play a role in shaping their personal boundaries.
Boundaries are the spoken or unspoken rules and expectations that determine how we interact with the people around us. Check out the article “I Love You, but You Can’t Do That: Boundaries, Love, and Personality Types” for a more detailed exploration of the topic.
It’s normal for Introverted personalities like Architects to not always be enthusiastic about social events. However, when an Architect demonstrates a clear and obvious need to preserve their personal space, even within the privacy of their most intimate relationship, it might catch their partner off guard. Their need for physical or emotional space is often a constant undercurrent in their interactions with their significant other.
Architects are also quite likely to approach life with an intensely rational and even strategic attitude. Thanks to their combined Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging traits, they are imaginative problem-solvers and big-picture thinkers. Architects also tend to intellectualize pretty much everything. If these aspects of their personality are incompatible with their partner or cause friction, Architects might not take kindly to any pressure to change. For most people with this personality type, personal growth and self-transformation are largely self-motivated.
Architects tend to stand firm in who they are, a fact that is often strongly projected through their boundaries and reflected in how they give and take within their romantic relationships.
How Architects Give
When Architects love someone, they look out for that person’s best interests. They want to see their partner thrive and will often offer advice and practical support to foster their well-being. This might look like creating and maintaining physical spaces that allow life to happen more efficiently, devising and offering realistic plans that make even the most difficult dreams achievable, or simply giving their significant other the freedom and space that they need to fully be themselves.
One of the other ways that Architect personality types show love is by engaging with their partner intellectually. If their partner wants to bounce ideas off of someone, discuss the latest book that they’ve read, or contemplate the laws of physics, they need look no further than their willing Architect partner. These personalities gladly seek out and make themselves available for bonding through cerebral stimulation.
When Architects Give Too Much
Architect personalities are usually firm in supporting their partner, but sometimes this support can become unbalanced. When this happens, they may cross the line from supportive to critical and controlling. Suppose that an Architect concludes that their partner’s goals are a waste of time, for example. In that case, they might be uncomfortably honest in their assessment of the situation. Their straightforward manner in how they offer constructive criticism might come across as harsh, despite their best intentions.
Architects are also among the most likely personality types to think that the best way to ensure that something is done correctly is to do it themselves. If this attitude is not moderated with mindful restraint, Architects can easily give too much by becoming overly involved in their partner’s projects – essentially taking them over.
How Architects Take
As hinted at in the introduction, Architects are strongly independent. They are, in fact, the second-most likely out of all of the 16 personality types to describe themselves as such, behind a fellow Analyst type, Commanders (ENTJ). Architects’ Introverted nature, however, means that their independence is more a fundamental inner need for space than an outward expression of their individuality. This need shows up in how people with this personality type “take” within every plane of their romantic relationships.
An Architect might prefer to keep a separate social circle from their partner, for example, or they might set aside a good portion of their free time to pursue their personal interests. In an emotional sense, they probably don’t expect (or want) to have emotionally deep and open conversations frequently. Becoming vulnerable – even with their significant other – can be deeply uncomfortable for them. In a physical sense, compared to most other personality types, Architects don’t always appreciate or readily engage in displays of affection that are common in intimate relationships. They might not enjoy holding hands or cuddling as much as other personalities, and for some Architects, even casual, nonromantic physical touch out in public might make them squirm.
For Architects, being allowed the space that they need is essential to feeling seen and respected. Without it, they may feel trapped, misunderstood, and emotionally burdened – all of which breeds discontent in any partnership.
When Architects Take Too Much
Unfortunately, Architects’ need for space might manifest as a series of rigid boundaries that undermine romance or leave their significant other with the feeling that there is little room for them in their partner’s life. When taken to the extreme, their need for emotional space might manifest as detachment or even neglect of their partner’s emotional needs. The same can be said for physical affection and the amount of time that someone with this personality is willing to spend with their significant other.
People with the Architect personality type might also take too much by intensely testing the much-appreciated intelligence of the person closest to them. For these types, lively intellectual conversation is a natural way to appreciatively engage with their significant other. But if Architects demand too much or become overly critical of their partner’s positions, they might unintentionally generate conflict and undermine the intimacy that they hope to create. If the person they love comes to feel defensive, drained, or, worse yet, punished for their thinking, they might start to hold back when their Architect partner seeks out this kind of connection.
Building Healthy Reciprocity
Courtesy of their specific combination of personality traits, Architects have some valuable tools that allow them to create a balanced sense of give-and-take in their romantic relationships.
Architects have an innate curiosity that allows them to explore new perspectives on any topic. When applied to the sometimes tricky dynamics that take shape because of unbalanced reciprocity, they can look beyond the obvious to discover the root issues. Their analytical mind lets them assume the challenge of finding practical strategies to balance both their own and their partner’s needs. Architects’ self-discipline will help them follow through with the changes that they know they need to make – even if it takes some effort at first.
Final Thoughts
When it comes to finding a healthy balance of give-and-take in their romantic relationships, Architect personalities might do well to remember that the more they work on something, the more natural it will become. Opening up emotionally, for example, might take them far outside their comfort zone, but if it’s something that their significant other needs, it’s a gift worth figuring out how to give. And who knows – Architects may come to enjoy those moments of connection and discover an outlet for the thoughts and feelings that they express to no one else.
With mindful self-awareness, Architect personality types can become more conscious of how their tendencies to give and take manifest in the day-to-day dynamics of their relationships. They’ll be able to put the pieces together and figure out whether they are maybe giving or taking too much (or not enough) – and take a proactive approach to make the needed adjustments. Truly balanced reciprocity preserves each person’s individuality and well-being in the relationship while strengthening the union as a whole. And that is something worth working for.
Now we turn to you. If you’re an Architect or you’re in a relationship with one, how do you give and take in your romantic relationship? How do you think your personality is reflected in the ways that you participate in the reciprocal dynamic between you and your partner? Feel free to let us know with a comment below.