Relationship Codependency: A Personality Perspective

All throughout history, art and pop culture have given us a variety of swoonworthy love stories. But a lot of them have one thing in common: codependency. From Romeo and Juliet to modern ballads like Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing,” what can seem like the most idyllic expressions of love can also be the most problematic. In Romeo and Juliet, two lovers decide that they can’t live without each other, while “I Have Nothing” centers on a woman’s belief that she has nothing without her lover. And in the years between these two examples are countless other books, plays, movies, and songs about love that veer into codependent territory.

It might be easy to recognize when love seems destructive – or at least a bit over the top – when it’s fictional. But in real life, codependency can be trickier to identify. Here, we explore how codependency shows up in relationships and the qualities and personality traits that may be behind it.

What Is Codependency?

Some may assume that codependency is an umbrella term for any relationship dynamic that involves dependence or neediness. But healthy, functional relationships do require a certain level of dependence, and having some needs is just part of being human. What sets codependency apart is that one person in the relationship “needs” to be needed by the other. This person casts themselves as the caretaker for the other, whom they see as requiring saving. The caretaker often feels that they won’t be okay until the other person is okay, yet they may also subconsciously limit the other person’s growth in order to maintain the codependent dynamic. In a sense, they depend on the other person’s dependence.

Deep down, many who struggle with codependency believe that their worth is tied to how useful they are to other people. They might think that they only deserve love if it has been earned through accommodating gestures. As a result, codependent partners learn to push their own feelings aside, rarely asking for support or setting boundaries, and instead protecting and prioritizing the other person.

People who become entangled in codependent bonds often have good intentions: they want to rescue someone they love and honor their relationship, despite its problems. But codependency hurts both partners more than it helps. Often, these habits are born out of past trauma or dysfunctional relationships, though there are also certain personality traits that can play out in ways that are similar to codependency.

The Slippery Slope of Self-Sacrifice

Some personality types are known to be altruistic and relationship-oriented. Other people’s problems keep them awake at night, perhaps even more than their own. This is often the case for many people with the Feeling personality trait.

Feeling types can be extremely protective, and they rarely hesitate to make sacrifices for loved ones. People with this trait are also the most likely to say it’s important to feel needed by others. Many Feeling personalities derive their sense of purpose from being of service to others.

In this way, these personalities are natural caretakers. But caring too much for others – and not enough for themselves – can be a recipe for codependency if left unchecked. Being compassionate and helpful is one thing, while denying your own emotions and feeling responsible for the well-being of others is another. Self-sacrifice, especially in romance, often leads to one-sided enmeshment. The codependent partner begins to define themselves by the relationship and how much their partner relies on them.

Meanwhile, they stop trying to meet their own needs or speaking up when something hurts them. They ceaselessly give without allowing themselves to receive. Codependent people also struggle to say no and tiptoe around conflict to avoid upsetting the other person.

Many Feeling personalities are familiar with these tendencies, finding that they pop up now and then in all sorts of relationships. When they become habitual, though, they can quickly encourage codependency. And though most people with the Feeling trait truly just want to help their loved ones, taking on a codependent savior role usually saves no one in the end.

Looking for Self-Love in All the Wrong Places

Codependent people may seem to be fixated only on the other person, but behind their attempts to rescue their partner is an attempt to rescue themselves. A key component of codependency is self-doubt, something that people with the Turbulent personality trait can relate to.

Turbulent types may question themselves and their worth, which can sometimes trigger heightened relationship insecurities. That might be why people with this trait are much more likely than their Assertive counterparts to say they’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned. At the same time, they also say they feel uncomfortable asking for help, which is similar to the feelings of many codependents.

It’s not that Turbulent personalities are bound to become codependent in their romantic relationships. But it’s worth noting that individuals who develop codependency tend to struggle with confidence and self-esteem. When Turbulent types look for love and validation in others rather than in themselves, they may act in ways that mimic codependency.

For example, they might try to mold themselves into the “perfect” match for their loved one, endlessly searching for ways that they can give more, more, more to their partner. They may also feel guilty about voicing their own needs and thoughts, perhaps because they question whether those needs and thoughts are important enough to mention. And similar to Feeling personality types, they may believe that they aren’t “enough” unless they’re busy supporting – or attempting to save – their partner.

Creating Healthy Dependence

The Feeling and Turbulent traits both have their fair share of strengths and benefits. But some of the characteristics of these personality traits, when combined and turned up in an intimate relationship, can be strikingly similar to codependency.

So what can personalities with these traits do to avoid creating an unhealthy dynamic with a loved one? For starters, they can learn to differentiate between codependency and interdependence.

Interdependence is where two people mutually depend on and support each other without denying themselves in the process. They are each fully functioning even without the other, and they don’t believe that their value as a person is determined by their role in the relationship. Neither partner places the other on a pedestal, nor do they look down on the other – they see each other as equals.

Letting go of codependency and fostering interdependence instead can take a lot of reflection and inner work, but it’s certainly doable with a few key strategies.

Let Your Partner Fail

If you go above and beyond to protect your partner from getting hurt (I’m looking at you, Feeling personalities), you’re probably used to transforming yourself into the metaphorical cushion that they can fall on when they make a mistake. Or better yet, you may try to do everything in your power to prevent them from falling in the first place.

This is common in codependent relationships too. One of the best solutions is to start allowing the other person to hit their version of rock bottom at times. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be there to offer your compassion or love. But shielding them from failure or hurt prevents them from growing and learning from their mistakes. And it often distracts you from navigating your own life choices and failures too.

Identify Your Feelings

If you tend to fall into a codependent role, you probably spend a lot more time thinking of your partner’s feelings than your own. You may not even be able to recognize your emotions as they bubble up anymore – which means that you can’t hear what they might be trying to tell you about your relationship needs.

If this sounds like you, try checking in with yourself throughout the day (even set a phone reminder or begin a journaling practice) to gauge how you’re feeling. First, drop the words “like” and “that,” which only indicate that you’re focused on a thought, not a feeling. For example, “I feel like they don’t listen” doesn’t convey the true emotion in the way that “I feel frustrated” does. Sometimes it helps to expand your vocabulary with a list of emotion words to accurately pinpoint the emotion that you’re experiencing.

Once you’ve identified how you’re feeling, accept it without judging yourself or the emotion. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad, angry, or disappointed, and your partner’s feelings aren’t any more important than your own.

Redefine Self-Worth

Both Feeling and Turbulent personality types may turn to their loved ones for a sense of self-worth similar to codependency. The need to be of service to others and exemplify a “good” person (and partner) can, when not reined in with healthy boundaries, lead to dysfunctional enmeshment.

If you’ve come to believe that your worth is solely rooted in giving to others without ever giving to yourself, try picking that belief apart. For example, ask yourself where you learned that your worth is tied to how much you give to others. Were you responsible for caring for an adult when you were a child? Or were you only rewarded in a past relationship when you served the other person? Who may have taught you to believe that your worth is only found in saving others?

Then, consider the principles that you hold dear. You may value kindness, for example, yet codependency can trigger some not-so-kind behaviors, like controlling the other person or being dishonest about your own needs. Reapproaching your principles in a way that respects the other person and yourself is one way to begin building the foundation of self-worth.

Seek Out Professional Counseling

Codependency often has deep roots in past familial and romantic relationships, making it especially difficult to unravel on your own. Additionally, there are often personal issues at play – such as mental illness, addiction, health conditions, or a disability – that have led both partners to contribute to the codependent dynamic. One person often can’t resolve codependency alone.

That’s where the help of a professional counselor or therapist can be invaluable. The initial steps of recovering from codependency can be the hardest, and things often get worse before they get better, potentially triggering withdrawal-like behaviors. Seeking counseling through one-on-one therapy, group sessions for codependents, or in tandem with your partner in family or couples counseling can help you create new boundaries and coping strategies that are safe and supportive for both parties.

Conclusion: Putting an End to the Rescue Efforts

It may seem romantic to rush to the rescue of a lover or to sacrifice oneself to uphold a relationship. And for personalities with the Feeling and Turbulent traits, taking care of a partner at the expense of themselves might just seem like the norm.

These behaviors can quickly become codependent, though, even if the love stories and pop songs make them seem dreamy. Not all people with the Feeling or Turbulent traits form codependent relationships, but individuals with either personality trait should still keep a watchful eye on their own relationship habits. Working to build healthy interdependence with a partner is the true key to happily ever after.