Self-Expression, Boundaries, and Love: Architects (INTJ)

No matter which personality type you have, being in love pushes most of us out of our comfort zone. Some people enthusiastically embrace this experience, but many Architects (INTJ) are likely to tread with caution. For Architects, the important discussions and negotiations that are vital to maintaining a lasting romantic partnership may prove especially challenging.

In their day-to-day interactions, Architects usually feel comfortable saying what they think. These often frank personalities value honesty and tend to prefer a straightforward communication style. This generally serves them well in their day-to-day life, but in romance?

Well, that’s a whole different ball game.

Our article “Self-Expression, Boundaries, and Love: Speaking Up When It Matters” delves into how our personality traits influence how we lay out what works for us and what doesn’t in our relationships. At first glance, it might seem like Architects’ typical directness would be a real asset when expressing their needs. But as people with this personality type well know, this very real strength is not without its drawbacks.

Discussions that touch on emotions or boundary setting can cause many Architects to hit the brakes on their usually frank communication style. These personalities have a way of pulling back and avoiding vulnerability that can make it difficult for them (or their partner, for that matter) to feel truly understood.

To dive deeper into the significance of boundaries in romantic relationships, consider reading “I Love You, but You Can’t Do That: Boundaries, Love, and Personality Types.”

Architects’ Self-Expression and Communication Style

Architects share the Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Judging personality traits, the combination of which results in highly nuanced characteristics that shape the way that they approach communication in love.

While people with this personality type generally prefer a direct style of self-expression, they rarely speak without forethought (or regrets). Architects are likely to spend a lot of time thinking about how a conversation might go and then, after the fact, to dwell on what they wish they would have said. They usually trust that their partner gets them, but when misunderstandings become apparent, they might feel like the more they try to explain themselves or prevent further confusion, the more muddled things become. This, of course, could generate the need for deeper discussion and explanation – something that these personalities might prefer to avoid.

Architects are likely to anticipate the potential frustrations that can be associated with both making themselves understood and getting pulled out of their emotional comfort zone. Because of this, they may opt out of these conversations by simply choosing not to say anything at all. On the other hand, they may clearly state their needs as fact but pull back in the face of further discussion.

Architects, High Expectations, and Inflexibility

Many Architects are remarkably clear and self-assured about what they want and need within their romantic relationships. They are discerningly sensitive to the attitudes and behaviors of their partner, and they tend to have relatively well-defined expectations and personal boundaries. As Thinking and Judging personalities, they have a notably decisive nature and high standards. All of these tendencies lend themselves to a solid foundation for a meaningful, secure, and lasting partnership.

For all of their strengths, however, Architects have some key challenges that can undermine their communication and self-expression in even the most promising relationship.

Hard Rationality

Because Architects are Thinking and Judging personalities, they are intensely rational. This facet of their character tends to infuse their interactions with a notable lack of emotion-based reasoning. This explains their hesitancy to engage in a conversation if it requires passing a topic through an emotional filter.

Architects rarely lead a conversation about their feelings and emotions. That’s why, at times, they may choose to opt for silence when it comes to speaking up about a boundary – they don’t want to open a can of worms (i.e., discuss their feelings) to explain why they have a particular need or want their partner to respect a specific limit. Acknowledging that a limit exists and clearly stating its parameters is likely all that they feel comfortable doing.

Unrepentant Independence

That tendency to be reserved with their emotions is also reflected in Architects’ strongly independent and self-reliant nature. Architect personalities rarely feel a strong need to belong, so creating a sense of understanding and social diplomacy is not usually a high priority for them. Even in a romantic relationship, it’s not exactly instinctive for them to consider how their partner might interpret what they have to say. And if there’s a misunderstanding, they don’t always feel compelled to explain themselves.

In new relationships, this independence often shows up as what might seem to be an aversion or unwillingness to work through more complex issues – especially if it means sacrificing or relaxing an important boundary. People with this personality type may be tempted to end a budding romance if it feels like too much work for them. If they’re committed to their relationship, however, they may be more willing to negotiate mutually respectful boundaries with their partner.

Critical Honesty

Architects can also be somewhat judgmental and unforgiving. While this facet of their personality may be more often directed inward toward themselves, it also underlies a tendency to be easily disappointed in others, including their significant other. Suppose that their partner says or does something that they find absurd or can’t tolerate in their relationship. They might have to say something. This honesty is proof of their preference for clear, candid communication about their needs. But it doesn’t always come out in a way that’s easy for their partner to hear.

Architects can be adept at enforcing their boundaries, but if they do so from a critical perspective, they may hurt their partner or spark an unnecessary conflict. Unfortunately, they may also retreat from the process of repairing things, feeling justified in their criticisms and frustrated by their partner’s emotional response.

Final Thoughts

Self-awareness, in an intellectual sense, comes pretty easily to Architects, and they are generally capable of speaking up for themselves when a situation calls for it. In an emotional sense, however, people with this personality type might need to humble themselves and work to accept and understand the role of emotions in a romantic dynamic. In doing so, they can soften their style of self-expression while staying true to their core values.

Healthy communication in a relationship cannot be purely intellectual. Fortunately, Architects can call upon their rational mind to adopt strategies that create the space for necessary emotional expression – both their partner’s and their own. With increased awareness, experience, and time, people with this personality type can grow their skills as conscientious and thoughtful communicators within their romantic relationships.

If you’re an Architect, we’re curious to hear what you believe most influences your self-expression in a relationship. Share your thoughts in the comments below.