Self-expression might seem easier for some people than for others. By all outward appearances, Consuls (ESFJ), with their Extraverted and Feeling traits, tend to fall into this camp. People with this personality type are among the most open about who they are and what they think, generally presenting themselves as “open books.”
This is also true in Consuls’ romantic relationships, where they often crave deep and emotionally open conversations that create a sense of connection and belonging. But these highly expressive personalities are just as human as any of us. Consuls also face some very real hurdles when it comes to authentic communication, particularly around boundaries and speaking up for themselves.
In this article, we’ll explore these hurdles and how they may impact the ways that Consuls express themselves in love.
What are boundaries? They are the spoken and unspoken rules and expectations that we set for what we will and will not accept in a relationship, romantic or otherwise. For a more thorough exploration of the topic, check out our article “I Love You, but You Can’t Do That: Boundaries, Love, and Personality Types.”
How Consuls Communicate: An Overview
With their combination of Extraverted, Observant, Feeling, and Judging traits, Consuls are more likely than most other personality types to consider the art of communication as being central to their social relationships. And for them, communication is an art. Generally, these personalities are pretty comfortable talking about their expectations and sharing their opinions. They are just more likely than most Extraverted types to be sensitive about how they approach certain topics or to avoid the ones that might make a conversation uncomfortable. At least partly because of this sensitivity, they can easily relate to people they don’t have much in common with.
Consuls are also very much in tune with the energy of the people they’re interacting with, often knowing how others are feeling just by looking at them. They tend to be active and engaged listeners, knowing how to cheer people up and generously doling out advice and guidance.
But like many Feeling personalities, Consuls have a way of holding back when it comes to voicing hard truths. They certainly value honesty, but – and this is a big “but” – they are among the most likely personality types to say they prefer to be polite and keep the peace. Rather than risk conflict, they might choose to say what they think the other person wants to hear – or to say nothing at all.
Why Consuls Might Hesitate to Speak Up in Love
Thanks to their conscientious nature, in most everyday situations, Consuls are adept at creating a harmonious social dynamic. In a romantic partnership, however, this same awareness and consideration for others can potentially complicate healthy communication. People with this personality type might focus more on their partner’s needs rather than speaking up for their own.
This tendency to prioritize others over themselves can also reveal some of the underlying challenges that Consuls may face in their self-expression, such as their preference for social conformity, their people-pleasing tendencies, and their romantic idealism.
Social Conformity
All Sentinels, the Role to which Consuls belong, tend to value a certain level of social conformity. This is directly tied to their need for group harmony, which is most easily supported by not making waves. People with this personality type often avoid making waves in two ways: (1) through their typical mindfulness in how they voice their thoughts, opinions, or complaints, and (2) by respecting standard social norms and behaving in the ways that they feel are expected of them.
These two tendencies might limit Consuls’ self-expression within the intimacy of their romantic relationship. If they judge their own needs as unreasonable or as falling outside of normal expectations, they might choose to stay silent rather than risk the discomfort of speaking up.
People-Pleasing
Consuls also have a notable people-pleasing streak, a facet of their personality that may concentrate and intensify around their significant other. As Feeling types, they tend to feel deeply uncomfortable knowing that the person they love is upset with them. Because of this, they may go to great lengths to avoid disappointing their partner or sparking a conflict.
Consuls are also the most likely personality type to say they seek commitment in their relationships. Many of them might feel that the work that’s required to sustain this commitment often includes putting their partner’s needs before their own. Because of this, they may struggle to enforce their boundaries and may even make excuses for a partner’s inappropriate behavior.
Compared to Assertive types, Turbulent Consuls may be more likely to fall into patterns of self-sacrifice within their romantic relationships. This is likely due to a stronger tendency to anticipate negative consequences and a more pronounced fear of rejection.
Romantic Idealism
Consuls are relatively realistic and grounded in the ways that they set their expectations, both for themselves and others. But in romance? Well, these personalities might fall into the trap of hoping that their romantic life will resemble a fairy tale. To achieve their ideal, they are likely to show their love and devotion to their partner through constant thoughtful acts (both big and small), generosity with their compliments, and bending over backward to make their partner happy.
In doing this, Consuls may sacrifice their own needs, for all the reasons described above. This same romantic idealism likely underlies their willingness to put up with behaviors that they don’t actually like and their tendency to overlook red flags. Being a “demanding” partner or attending to their own needs doesn’t exactly fulfill their romantic notions of what love should look like. Because of this, they may choose to stay silent about what’s bothering them.
Final Thoughts
It’s essential to wrap up with one final thought: the hurdles discussed above are not character flaws. It’s better to think of them as double-edged swords. They will not impact self-expression in exactly the same ways for every Consul. Only when these tendencies are out of balance do they become limiting factors in self-expression. It’s also important to remember that the way that a person expresses themselves in their relationships is shaped by other outside factors and life experiences too.
You should also remember that every personality trait manifests on a spectrum. Many Consuls will identify with some of the tendencies that we’ve outlined in this article yet have little difficulty communicating their expectations and boundaries within their relationships. Others may find themselves paralyzed by their people-pleasing tendencies and utterly incapable of voicing their needs, no matter how Extraverted and expressive they consider themselves to be outside of their romantic relationships.
So, now we turn to you. If you’re a Consul, which facets of your personality most interfere with healthy self-expression when you’re in love? Which aspects of your personality support healthy communication with your partner? Please let us know in the comments below.