Self-Expression, Boundaries, and Love: Speaking Up When It Matters

I don’t know your personality type, but let’s imagine for a minute that you’re an Introvert. You’re in a solid relationship with an amazing person, but there’s just one little detail…

They constantly make plans to go out with all their friends and expect you to join them. When you were first getting to know each other, you happily went along with it. In fact, you found their overtly Extraverted personality to be really charming.

Now that you’re both committed to the relationship, you feel comfortable suggesting low-key outings that are more in line with your style – but your partner still insists that you join them for every get-together or group outing. Unfortunately, all this social exposure is starting to wear you down. All you want is to spend time with this one person. You don’t actually enjoy more than the occasional outing with friends, and honestly, you would prefer that they go have fun without you.

At first glance, it might seem like this scenario highlights how differences in personality type can impact romantic relationships. While this is true, the heart of the issue – and what we will discuss in this article – is how you handle those differences. It’s about expressing yourself and respecting your needs while in love.

I’m referring to your boundaries and speaking up when it matters.

What are boundaries? In short, boundaries are a way of saying what works for you and what doesn’t. And yes – the way that you express them is influenced by your personality type. In our article “I Love You, but You Can’t Do That: Boundaries, Love, and Personality Types,” we explore the definition and nature of boundaries in greater detail. It’s an excellent foundation for what we’ll discuss here.

Continuing with the hypothetical scenario described above, you feel discomfort because you’re hyperextending beyond your natural comfort zone as an Introvert, and it’s starting to feel unsustainable. The growing tension and feeling that something’s got to give are signs that it’s time to speak up for yourself and express your needs.

For many people, speaking up (or sharing honest opinions or points of view) is far easier said than done, especially in a romantic relationship. Voicing preferences may feel selfish, demanding, or conflictual. Some people are held back by perceived social norms, in terms of what it means to be a good partner or what a “healthy” relationship should look like. For others, expressing themselves might be difficult because they don’t actually know what they need, let alone how to articulate it.

Personality and Speaking Up

One of the major factors in how comfortable someone is with expressing themselves lies in whether they are an Assertive or Turbulent personality type. Turbulent personalities generally find it more difficult to talk about their needs in a way that leaves them feeling truly understood. They are also more sensitive to how others perceive them and more likely to fear rejection – tendencies that are likely to give them pause when it comes to asserting their needs.

And because Turbulent types tend to interpret and process many of their interactions through a filter of stress, they often have negative expectations about what might happen if they speak their mind. This inevitably increases the tension around speaking up for themselves. So while an Assertive Introvert might confidently express their desire for more alone time with their partner, a Turbulent one is more likely to have to mentally prepare themselves for what they expect to be a potentially difficult discussion.

One of the hardest aspects of this Turbulent individual’s dilemma is that if they choose not to speak up, they’re more likely to regret it and then hold on to those negative feelings.

All this is to say that, for many Turbulent types, speaking up is a big deal. It’s an uncomfortable and emotionally charged experience.

Not sure whether you’re a Turbulent or Assertive personality type? Now is a great time to take our free personality test – doing so will change the way that you relate to the information that follows.

It’s Not Black and White

As we move forward, I want you to think of Turbulence and Assertiveness in terms of how they accentuate your overall personality, especially around this topic of self-expression. Turbulent types are often described as above, while Assertive types tend to have a stronger sense of confidence that allows them to avoid a lot of the inner turmoil that is often associated with voicing one’s needs.

It’s also worth remembering that very few people are 100% Turbulent or 100% Assertive. Like every personality trait, it’s a spectrum, and you likely fall somewhere in the middle.

Besides, this trait is just one aspect of your personality. There are four more traits that come together to influence how you express yourself and speak up when your boundaries are tested. Rather than explore each trait or personality type on its own, however, I want to focus on some of the basic commonalities that can be found within the four distinct Roles.

How Each Role Speaks Up

Analysts

Analyst personality types: INTJ (Architect), INTP (Logician), ENTJ (Commander), ENTP (Debater)

At first glance, it might seem like Analysts (who all share the Intuitive and Thinking traits) have a strong advantage when it comes to speaking up about their needs in a relationship. They firmly believe in direct and straightforward honesty. These personalities are among the most likely to say exactly what they think, even if they know it might hurt another person’s feelings. But when it comes to love, some Analysts may find themselves more hesitant to speak up.

This likely has something to do with their strongly independent nature. Voicing their needs or discussing a boundary may obligate them to open up in a conversation that requires a certain level of emotional vulnerability – something that can make Thinking types deeply uncomfortable. And if they know that a discussion of this sort could potentially reveal the need for them to compromise or be more flexible, they may opt to just avoid it altogether.

Diplomats

Diplomat personality types: INFJ (Advocate), INFP (Mediator), ENFJ (Protagonist), ENFP (Campaigner)

Thanks to their combination of Intuitive and Feeling traits, the personality types in this Role all have a strong tendency to tune in to the energy and feelings of others. Diplomats are, by far, the most likely Role to encourage others to speak up and express their needs. But when it comes to voicing their own concerns… Well, that’s a different story.

As Feeling types, Diplomats all share a strong need to avoid conflict and keep the peace. Because of this, they are more likely to accept and tolerate behaviors within a romantic relationship that they don’t necessarily like or agree with. Doing so is often easier (and far less risky) than laying out a boundary. These personalities generally opt for politeness over honesty and tend to make an effort to control their emotional reactions to avoid unintentionally offending their significant other or causing some kind of fight.

Sentinels

Sentinel personality types: ISTJ (Logistician), ISFJ (Defender), ESTJ (Executive), ESFJ (Consul)

For many Sentinels, who share the Observant and Judging traits, being in a committed relationship generally enhances their sense of individuality and sense of self. These personalities are among the most likely to feel comfortable expressing themselves to their partner.

The likely exception is if their needs clash with their expectations for themselves in the role that they fulfill within their relationship. Sentinels in general are the personality types most likely to value conformity, and they tend to seek out well-defined roles in their romantic partnerships. They may struggle to speak up if they feel like their needs fall outside expected norms.

Explorers

Explorer personality types: ISTP (Virtuoso), ISFP (Adventurer), ESTP (Entrepreneur), ESFP (Entertainer)

Some Explorers have a tendency to expect their significant other to pay attention to and anticipate their needs without being asked. This can create challenges, because these Observant and Prospecting personality types may broadcast vague or contradictory signals about what they need as their moods and circumstances change. This can make it hard for their partner to foresee what they want, potentially leading to a sense of disappointment, disconnect, and unfulfilled expectations for Explorer types.

But speaking up about those unfulfilled expectations can be difficult. This may in part be because Explorers are more likely to struggle when it comes to pinpointing the exact source of their disappointment or frustration. The greatest obstacle that these types may face when it comes to speaking up is finding the right words to express exactly how they feel or what they want. It can be difficult for them to communicate what they need because they themselves don’t always know.

Final Thoughts on Speaking Up

Regardless of what’s holding you back, not speaking up when a situation calls for it can have serious consequences for both you and your relationship. Anger and tension can build up, and resentment can take root, leading to feelings of disconnect between you and your partner.

And that, dear reader, is how you put out the flames of passion in any romantic relationship – no matter your personality type.

When you feel the impulse to speak up, it’s because some sort of boundary has been violated. Use this discomfort to recognize and explore your needs, then give them a voice – even if you’re not 100% clear on what you want to say. The truth is, it’s normal to not always be on the same page as your significant other, but keeping quiet does nothing to support authentic intimacy.

Considering that, I invite you to ponder what would happen if you shifted your mindset around speaking up. What if you were to start viewing it as an opportunity for closeness? What if you were to commit to respectfully working through any discomfort that asserting yourself may cause between you and your partner? When you voice your concerns and speak your mind from a place of love and respect, you proactively foster a sense of understanding and create space for a deep and authentic connection to develop within your relationship.

So, now, I invite you to take a moment to revisit that little Introvert-Extravert scenario from the beginning of this article – or, better yet, to reflect on a comparable situation that you have experienced in your personal life. Would you speak up? If so, how would you feel about it? How do you think your personality influences how you express yourself and your boundaries? Feel free to leave your reflections in the comments section below.