Supporting a Partner Who Has a Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style: A Personality-Based Guide

Being in a relationship with someone who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style (also known as avoidant attachment) is a bit like nurturing a beautiful but delicate plant. This plant thrives with just the right amount of care – too much attention, and it wilts; too little, and it withers. This plant (i.e., your significant other) requires patience, understanding, and a delicate balance of nurturing and space.

Supporting a partner with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style can be challenging, but understanding the dynamic at play – specifically your role in said dynamic – can help you navigate and respond to your partner’s needs more successfully. You cannot change your partner or fix their attachment style. But by developing your self-awareness, you can more effectively support them and create the conditions for them to potentially develop a more secure sense of connection.

Understanding the Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style

To be clear, this article is about you – specifically, your personality-related tendencies and how you can support your dismissive-avoidant partner. But before we get into all of that, we want to take just a moment to review the dismissive-avoidant attachment style. It’s important to understand what, exactly, is happening with your partner if you want to learn how best to support them.

For a closer look at attachment styles in general, we invite you to read our article “Attachment Theory and Personality Type: Exploring the Connections.” But for now, we’re just going to sum it up: Each person’s attachment style (yes, you have one, too) develops in childhood, based on their experiences with their primary caregivers. These early relationships shape our interactions with others – particularly in a romantic context – throughout our lives.

Nothing about a person’s attachment style is fixed or black and white. And the way that attachment-related behaviors manifest can be influenced by many factors, including personality type. Despite these variables, people with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style have some very particular tendencies:

• Prizing their independence and self-reliance
• Struggling with emotional intimacy and vulnerability
• Finding it difficult to trust or depend on others
• Suppressing or dismissing their own emotional needs
• Avoiding conflict or deep emotional conversations
• Withdrawing when they feel overwhelmed or pressured

Adults who exhibit these behaviors often had caregivers who consistently dismissed or failed to meet their emotional needs when they were children. Perhaps your partner grew up in a household where emotions were seen as a sign of weakness or their attempts to connect or seek affection were routinely rebuffed. Over time, this may have led to the internalized belief that becoming vulnerable or relying on others is unsafe or unnecessary.

It’s important to note that just because your partner has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you. Rather, they’ve developed these mostly subconscious mechanisms to protect themselves from perceived emotional threats or the dangers of vulnerability. Understanding this can help you approach them and respond to their needs with more empathy and patience.

Challenges in Supporting a Dismissive-Avoidant Partner

So now we come back to you. You may love your partner and want to support them, but being in a relationship with someone who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style presents unique challenges. Here are just a few of the feelings that many romantic partners of dismissive-avoidant people commonly struggle with:

• Emotional starvation or neglect
• Confusion over their partner’s hot-and-cold behavior
• Frustration with their partner’s reluctance to commit or plan for the future
• Hurt caused by their partner’s tendency to withdraw or keep to themselves
• Insecurity about the relationship’s overall stability

For some personality types, these challenges can be tough to deal with. For example, Feeling types, who value emotional connection and harmony in their relationships, might yearn for a deeper emotional intimacy than their partner is able or willing to provide. Similarly, Judging types, who prefer structure and clear commitments, might find their dismissive-avoidant partner’s tendency to avoid setting shared goals incredibly frustrating.

These same personality-related behaviors can also create tension and stress for the dismissive-avoidant partner. If a Feeling type continually pries into their avoidant partner’s emotional process out of a need for connection, they may unwittingly push them into withdrawing even more. And a Judging type who is in a rush to define their relationship or a 10-year vision for the future might actually cause their dismissive-avoidant partner to shut down because they feel that their autonomy is being threatened.

The takeaway here is that your partner’s dismissive-avoidant attachment style will impact you differently depending on your unique combination of personality traits. And, without even being aware of it, you may exacerbate your partner’s avoidant tendencies through your own personality-related needs and behaviors.

How Different Personality Traits Influence a Relationship with a Dismissive-Avoidant Partner

So how can you support a partner with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?

We’ve already said it once, and we’ll say it again (and again): It all boils down to self-awareness. You cannot change your partner. But by understanding yourself and how certain personality-related things that you do play into the dynamics of your relationship, you can make some mindful adjustments to how you approach and interact with this person you care so much about. In doing so, you will be able to more meaningfully cultivate the trust and respect that is necessary for the closeness that you desire.

In this section, we’re going to explore, trait by trait, how your personality influences the ways that you might perceive and interact with your partner’s dismissive-avoidant attachment style. We’ll also cover how you might leverage each of your traits to more effectively offer your partner the support that they need.

Extraverted (E)

Extraverted personality types are often uncertain about how to connect with a partner who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Their natural inclination for frequent interaction can overwhelm their partner, and they often struggle to understand why their partner may seem to prefer casual social interactions over quality time together. For Extraverts, it’s crucial to recognize that these behaviors often stem from their partner’s need for breathing room rather than from a lack of care or interest in the relationship.

To most effectively support their dismissive-avoidant partner, Extraverts should mindfully consider their partner’s social needs and respond accordingly. They can use their expressive nature to keep communication channels open and create a safe, nonjudgmental space for their partner to connect at their own pace. At the same time, Extraverts need to maintain their independent friendships and social activities. This will fulfill much of their need for interaction and provide their partner with the space that they require without it becoming a point of contention in the relationship.

Introverted (I)

Introverted personality types often find that their preference for limited social interaction aligns well with their dismissive-avoidant partner’s needs. However, this seemingly compatible dynamic can inadvertently reinforce avoidant behaviors and unintentionally allow important relationship issues to go unaddressed. The key for Introverts is to build bridges over these shared tendencies, creating a balance between comfortable solitude and open communication within their relationship.

Introverts can leverage their natural strengths to support their partner in a couple of ways. For example, they can harness their thoughtful, less reactive communication style to help their partner feel more at ease opening up. They can also lean into their ability to enjoy time together without the need for constant interaction, allowing their partner to become comfortable with increasing levels of closeness. However, Introverts should also work on clearly expressing their needs and emotions, even if it initially feels uncomfortable. By being more intentional in their efforts to connect, Introverts can not only foster closeness but also model secure communication, potentially encouraging a more secure attachment style in their partner.

Intuitive (N)

Intuitive personality types, which include all Analysts and Diplomats, often face predictable difficulties when partnered with someone who has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Intuitive types’ tendency to read into situations can lead to misinterpretations of their partner’s behavior, potentially causing anxiety and undermining trust for both parties. Their desire for understanding may lead them to dig into their partner’s thoughts and feelings, which can clash with that person’s more private nature.

However, Intuitive personalities also have an uncanny ability to recognize patterns in behavior. This allows them to learn about their partner’s needs and develop more effective responses over time. Their natural creativity and openness to personal growth also enable them to successfully work through challenges in their relationship. By balancing their Intuitive insights with concrete observations, these personalities can learn to identify triggers for their partner’s avoidant behavior and create a supportive environment that fosters intimacy and closeness.

Observant (S)

Observant personality types, which include all Sentinels and Explorers, have a detail-oriented nature that allows them to notice subtle changes in their partner’s behavior and respond when they sense that something is off. Their practical problem-solving approach, however, may lead them to overlook the influence of their partner’s deeper attachment-related issues.

These personalities often struggle to understand the underlying factors of their dismissive-avoidant partner’s behaviors, and their tendency to take things at face value can lead to frustration with the mixed signals that their partner sends. Observant types excel at grounding their partner in day-to-day activities, however. Whether they’re providing their partner with a welcome distraction through spontaneous fun or simply accompanying them in tending to the little details in life, these personality types can leverage this strength by cultivating an interpersonal dynamic that helps their partner feel at ease. This type of care will foster a more secure attachment over time.

Thinking (T)

Thinking personality types often feel a natural compatibility with dismissive-avoidant partners, mainly because they tend to approach their relationships from a less emotional perspective. They’re unlikely to expect constant vulnerability, and they naturally allow for personal space, which aligns well with their partner’s needs. However, when discussing difficult topics (emotional or otherwise), Thinking types generally prefer a direct communication style that may clash with their partner’s more indirect approach to dealing with relationship issues.

To support their dismissive-avoidant partner, Thinking personalities can leverage their analytical nature to find clarity in tense situations. Remaining calm under pressure is a valuable asset, but they should be mindful not to overlook the emotional undercurrents that are at play. By balancing their logical approach with intentional emotional intelligence, they can create a supportive environment that respects both their own and their partner’s preferences for self-expression.

Feeling (F)

Feeling personality types are usually very emotionally alert within their romantic relationships. Because of this, they may struggle when their partner needs space, and they often take dismissive-avoidant behaviors personally. However, by recognizing that these actions are usually a reflection of their partner’s attachment style rather than a personal slight, Feeling types can leverage their natural empathy and sensitivity to support their partner more effectively.

Feeling types should work on respecting their partner’s boundaries, but they must also honor their own deep-rooted need for connection. To do this, they should model healthy, secure emotional expression by openly discussing their concerns while allowing their partner to open up when they feel comfortable doing so. This will invite connection without pressure. Finding a balance between empathy, sensitivity, and self-awareness will allow Feeling types to nurture the relationship while accommodating their partner’s attachment-related needs.

Judging (J)

Judging personality types naturally crave order and stability in their relationships, which can clash with a dismissive-avoidant partner’s reluctance to make commitments or plans. Judging types may feel frustrated by this dynamic, and their repeated attempts to organize shared activities may make their partner feel pressured or imposed upon.

If Judging types balance their natural tendencies with respect for their partner’s autonomy, however, their dismissive-avoidant partner can come to appreciate the stability and consistency that Judging types offer. To create a more supportive and secure relationship, Judging personalities should practice flexibility. By allowing their partner time to process plans and commitments at their own pace, Judging types can create a structured yet accommodating environment. This approach can help them better tolerate uncertainty while supporting their partner in building a more secure sense of attachment.

Prospecting (P)

With their innate flexibility, some Prospecting personality types may find it easy to accept their dismissive-avoidant partner’s attachment-related behaviors. And even if their partner’s dismissive or avoidant nature rubs them the wrong way, they might be more willing to just let things go. This adaptability can certainly be beneficial for keeping the peace, but it may inadvertently enable avoidant tendencies, potentially allowing serious issues to develop in the relationship over time.

Prospecting types can more mindfully leverage their adaptability and creativity to support their dismissive-avoidant partner. Instead of letting troublesome behaviors go unaddressed, they can develop novel approaches to communicate concerns and discuss feelings while being respectful of their partner’s needs. Their openness to new experiences allows them to connect with their partner in ways that respect boundaries and create a relaxed, low-pressure environment. This approach can help their partner feel more comfortable opening up and gradually building intimacy, and it still allows significant challenges within the relationship to be addressed.

Assertive (-A)

Assertive personality types have the ability to maintain their sense of self in the face of life’s difficulties, and this can contribute significantly to their sense of emotional stability in a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant partner. Their partner might sometimes perceive self-assurance and a direct approach to tackling problems as pushy, however, which will potentially trigger their avoidant tendencies. And while Assertive types are generally well equipped to handle the ups and downs of their relationship, they may grow frustrated when their partner repeatedly avoids emotional issues that they feel should have already been processed.

Assertive types should balance their forward-moving energy with sensitivity to support their dismissive-avoidant partner more compassionately. By tapping into their internal stability, they can hold space for their partner to work through issues at their own pace while remaining fully present, even in moments when their own instinct is to quickly process problems and move on. This approach demonstrates respect for their partner’s emotional skittishness as well as a more understanding and secure model of communication.

Turbulent (-T)

Due to their innate sensitivity, Turbulent personality types often find themselves overanalyzing their dismissive-avoidant partner’s actions. Thanks to their self-critical nature, this tendency can lead to intense self-doubt and anxiety, especially when their partner pulls back or rejects attempts at connection. Unfortunately, when Turbulent types seek reassurance, they may inadvertently provoke more avoidant behaviors. This creates a challenging dynamic for both partners.

Despite these difficulties, Turbulent personalities bring unique strengths to the relationship. Their perceptive nature allows them to readily identify issues, and their inclination for self-doubt drives them to seek positive changes. To be genuinely supportive partners, Turbulent types should focus on developing strategies for emotional self-regulation while maintaining their own interests and friendships. By managing their emotions independently and sharing their experiences in self-regulation with their partner, they can create opportunities for connection and shared personal growth.

Universal Strategies for Supporting a Dismissive-Avoidant Partner

Now that you’ve read through all our personality-specific advice, you might have noticed a few universal strategies that anyone who loves a dismissive-avoidant partner will want to embrace:

1. Respect their independence: Recognize and appreciate your partner’s need for autonomy. Avoid smothering behaviors that might make them feel trapped.
2. Encourage open communication, but don’t demand it: Create a safe space for your partner to express themselves without judgment. Be patient, and avoid pushing too hard for emotional disclosure.
3. Build trust over time: Consistently show up for your partner in small ways to prove that you’re respectful, reliable, and trustworthy.
4. Strike a balance between closeness and space: Learn to recognize when your partner is open to closeness and when they need space.
5. Address conflict constructively: Approach issues calmly, and give your partner the time that they need to process their thoughts and emotions.

And the most important strategy of all?

Final Thoughts

Remember, supporting a partner with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style isn’t about changing them. Nor is it about changing yourself. It’s about cultivating the patience, understanding, and approach that works for your personality in order to build a strong, secure relationship that can withstand life’s challenges.

By leveraging your personality strengths and being mindful of potential challenges, you can more intentionally approach your relationship in a way that meets both your needs and your partner’s. You may not always find this journey easy, but with persistence, discernment, and a commitment to growth, you can enjoy a deeply fulfilling relationship that is based on respect, empathy, and appreciation.

In the end, loving someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style is about finding balance – between closeness and independence, tolerance and self-advocacy, and understanding your partner and taking care of yourself. It’s a journey of growth, both for you and the person you care most about. And while it may be challenging at times, it can also be incredibly rewarding and lead to a deeper understanding of yourself, your partner, and the nature of love itself.

Now we’d like to turn to you for some input. If your partner is dismissive-avoidant, what strategies have worked for you? And if you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, what kind of support do you need most from your partner? What do you wish your partner could understand about how your attachment style impacts your relationship? Please let us know in the comments below.

Further Reading

• Read more articles in our series on how to support partners with different attachment styles.
• Self-Expression, Boundaries, and Love: Speaking Up When It Matters
• Exploring Relationship Conflict through the Lens of Personality Type
• Getting In Your Own Way: Internal Barriers to Romantic Connection for Every Personality Type
• Dive deep into your personal growth and relationships with our Premium Suite of guides and tests for your personality type.