Supporting a Partner Who Has an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style: A Guide for All Personality Types

Have you ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells around your significant other, or like you constantly need to profess your love and commitment to keep them happy? If so, you might be with someone who has an anxious-preoccupied attachment style (also known as anxious attachment).

Don’t worry – you’re not alone. Many people are in a similar situation, trying to navigate the complexities of supporting a partner who seems to constantly doubt the stability of their relationship.

In this article, we’ll explore how each of the 16 personality types can best support an anxiously attached partner in order to help create a more secure and fulfilling relationship for both parties. But before we dive in, let’s take a moment to understand the anxious-preoccupied attachment style and how it tends to manifest in romantic relationships.

You’ll want to know your personality type to get the most out of this article. So now is a great time to take our free personality test if you haven’t done so yet.

What Is the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style?

Anxious-preoccupied attachment is a style of relating to others that is characterized by a strong desire for closeness, a fear of abandonment, and heightened vigilance for perceived threats to the relationship. In a romantic context, anxiously attached people often worry that their partner doesn’t truly love them or will leave them. They tend to struggle with their sense of self-worth and are likely to have a difficult time trusting their significant other.

Following are other key characteristics of people with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style:

A constant need for reassurance
Hypervigilance for signs of rejection or abandonment
Difficulty believing in their partner’s love and commitment
A tendency to become overly dependent on their partner
Intense emotional reactions to perceived distance or conflict

In a romantic relationship, these tendencies can manifest in various ways, depending on your anxious partner’s personality type. They might frequently seek proof of your feelings toward them through attention-seeking behaviors or become upset when you pursue your own interests or take alone time. They may react strongly to perceived slights through emotional outbursts. Some people with this attachment style are very open and demanding about their needs, while others may have difficulty expressing themselves directly, hoping instead that you’ll intuitively understand what they want.

For the partner of someone with an anxious attachment style, all this can come to feel overwhelming and exhausting. You might find yourself constantly trying to soothe your partner’s fears or desperately trying to avoid triggering their anxiety. These things can get tricky, and your relationship can become strained.

Because you are reading this article, it’s safe to assume that you care about your anxious-preoccupied partner and want to do everything possible to make your relationship work. This brings us to the first and most important thing that you need to know: Their anxious attachment style is not your responsibility to fix.

Yes, your partner’s feelings are real and valid, but there is little that you can do to fix their emotional process. Your role is to be supportive and help create an environment where they can potentially develop a more secure sense of attachment. And to do this effectively, you must maintain your own sense of well-being.

So how do you do that? Well, you’re already on the right track. Understanding the characteristics of anxious-preoccupied attachment is the first step. From there, you can try to help your partner cultivate a sense of self-awareness around their attachment style and how it impacts you and your relationship as a whole. You might start this dialogue by inviting them to take an attachment style assessment or to read our in-depth article “Attachment Theory and Personality Type: Exploring the Connections.”

However you choose to proceed, you’ll want to approach the topic with empathy, patience, and a little bit of strategy. How you handle your partner’s attachment style will fundamentally influence the course of your relationship.

How Different Personality Types Can Support an Anxious-Preoccupied Partner

Supporting a partner with anxious attachment requires a delicate balance of reassurance and boundary-setting. It also helps to have a certain amount of self-awareness about your own preferences and expectations in relationships, as well as how you tend to act and interact in romantic contexts.

Your personality type is a key factor in your relationship with a partner who has an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Because of your personality, there are things that you do that may trigger your partner’s deep-rooted insecurities. On the other hand, there are things that they do that are just going to rub you the wrong way, no matter what.

Fortunately, with a bit of mindfulness, you can moderate those things about yourself that feed into your partner’s anxious-preoccupied attachment style while leveraging your unique strengths to support them more effectively.

What follows is a list of starting points for people who want to support their anxious-preoccupied partner, organized by personality type. Remember, we’re not referring to your partner’s personality type – we are referring to yours.

While you may want to jump straight to your personality type, we highly recommend that you read the entire list. There’s a lot of overlap in personality-related tendencies, so you’ll likely find advice that resonates with you in the sections that are geared toward other personality types. By the time you get to the end of this article, you’ll have a comprehensive set of strategies that will allow you to help your partner feel truly secure in your relationship.

Before we start, it’s important to note that we are not suggesting that you change who you are to cater to your partner’s insecurities. Healthy boundaries are important, and you must respect your own preferences to be able to support your partner most effectively.

Analyst Personality Types

INTJ (Architect)

One strategy that INTJ personalities might consider is to designate specific blocks of time to share exclusively with their partner. INTJs shouldn’t ignore their own need for personal space, of course, but it is worth recognizing that their independent nature likely triggers their partner’s insecurities. Dedicating some time to spend exclusively with an anxiously attached partner will demonstrate, through action, that they do indeed prioritize that person.

And while it may feel unnatural at first for these Introverted, Thinking types, INTJs may also want to try expressing their thoughts and feelings more proactively. INTJs’ tendency to process emotions internally may leave an anxious-preoccupied significant other wondering what their INTJ partner is really thinking. By opening up and sharing their thought processes more readily, INTJs will help their partner feel more secure.

INTP (Logician)

As Intuitive and Thinking types, INTP personalities are known for their abstract thinking and logical analysis. This can sometimes make it difficult for them to connect with and support a partner with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. The way that INTPs retreat into their own thoughts might be interpreted as emotional distance. For their partner, it often feels like being shut out.

Considering this, people with this personality type will need to make a conscious effort to be more present and engaged in their interactions with their significant other. To start, they can welcome their partner into their inner world. INTPs will also want to practice active listening – especially when their partner expresses anxiety or other difficult emotions. The goal is to find a balance between intellectual engagement and emotional support that promotes a sense of connection and security.

ENTJ (Commander)

ENTJ personalities tend to have a more direct communication style that might sometimes come across as harsh to an anxiously attached (and therefore more sensitive) partner. To avoid being perceived as critical, people with this personality type will want to practice softening their delivery without compromising their honesty. They’ll also want to take the time to acknowledge and validate their partner’s feelings before moving forward or offering solutions.

ENTJs can also address their anxious-preoccupied partner’s need for security by creating clear plans for regular quality time and adopting a strategic approach for open communication and demonstrations of affection. ENTJ personalities may also want to reframe their mindset about the constant reassurance that their partner seems to need. Rather than feeling frustrated, they can view giving their partner attention as an investment in their relationship’s long-term stability. These Judging types can build a stronger, more resilient partnership by consistently showing up for their partner emotionally and by using their time and actions to help their partner feel more secure.

ENTP (Debater)

As Prospecting types, ENTP personalities thrive on exploring new ideas. Unfortunately, an anxiously attached partner may interpret their different perspectives as criticism and their wandering focus as a lack of stability. People with this personality type can practice mindfulness around their tone and approach to complex topics, especially when discussing relationship matters or emotional needs. The goal is to make sure that their partner feels heard, valued, validated, and understood.

ENTPs can also channel their inherent creativity to come up with novel ways to reassure their partner that they are committed to the relationship. This could involve coming up with unique little rituals for expressing affection, such as texting them a picture just because, or grander gestures, like surprise weekend adventures.

Diplomat Personality Types

INFJ (Advocate)

For many INFJ personalities, the need for privacy – even within their romantic relationships – is very real. They tend to be somewhat more reserved than other Feeling personalities about sharing their every thought or feeling – especially if they worry that doing so might trigger some kind of uncomfortable discussion or conflict. Fortunately, recognizing this tendency will allow them to make the conscious effort to be more open and transparent within their relationship.

To more fully support their anxious-preoccupied partner, INFJs can focus on intentionally cultivating connection through small but consistent acts of transparency. This might look like inviting their partner into their private space, for example, or sharing their thought process around an important decision. These types of actions not only demonstrate trust but also provide the opportunity to proactively build it.

INFP (Mediator)

INFP personalities have a natural way of creating safe spaces for their anxious-preoccupied partner’s self-expression. Their natural inclination toward deep, meaningful conversations can help their partner feel truly seen and understood. However, people with this personality type need to balance their more idealistic and emotional approach with practical, consistent action.

Though it may not come naturally, INFPs will want to establish routines that create a sense of stability in their relationship. They may make their partner a morning cup of coffee, for example, or hide a little love note in their coat pocket. Whatever they do, making a habit of these loving gestures will work wonders for their relationship. For their partner, consistency equals security.

ENFJ (Protagonist)

As Extraverted and Feeling types, ENFJ personalities have an innate desire to support those around them, which sometimes means that their attention is pulled toward people outside of their romantic relationship. For a partner with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, this may inspire feelings of jealousy or doubt about their partner’s commitment. While we are not suggesting that ENFJs stop caring about anyone other than their significant other, we do recommend that they lean into their sense of empathy and intuition to understand how their partner’s attachment style influences their emotional needs.

In a practical sense, this might look like an ENFJ taking the time to talk with their partner about how they are supporting others – or maybe even asking for their partner’s opinions and advice, effectively including them in their outside relationships. ENFJs will also want to embrace transparency and validate their partners’ difficult feelings, even if they must also gently challenge their negative thought patterns.

ENFP (Campaigner)

ENFP personalities have an ability to see the best in others. This can help their anxious-preoccupied partner feel more secure, as long as those positive observations are readily expressed out loud. ENFPs can also reassure their partner of their commitment to the relationship by sharing their visions of a positive future together. ENFPs should explicitly describe, in detail, where their partner fits into their grand plans – or better yet, include their partner in the planning.

ENFP personalities can also channel their natural curiosity and creativity into finding unique ways to demonstrate their love. By exploring the depths of their partner’s emotional needs, they can come up with and ritualize small, symbolic gestures of affection that build the sense of connection that their partner needs in their day-to-day life.

Sentinel Personality Types

ISTJ (Logistician)

ISTJ personalities exude commitment. As Observant and Judging types, they are responsible and consistent in their romantic relationships. They can readily provide the stability that their anxiously attached partner craves simply by leaning further into this aspect of their personality. One way to do this would be to establish daily or weekly activities where they make their partner the exclusive center of their attention.

People with this personality type will also need to make a conscious effort to verbalize their loving feelings and sense of commitment more frequently than they might naturally be inclined to do. Even if it feels redundant, their significant other needs to hear regular proof of their ISTJ partner’s commitment spoken out loud. Actions often speak louder than words for ISTJs, but their partner needs both to feel truly secure.

ISFJ (Defender)

ISFJ personalities have a strong attentiveness to detail that allows them to pick up on the subtle cues that are necessary to meet their partner’s needs, often before those needs are even expressed verbally. This is a real asset that they can leverage to help their partner feel seen, valued, and understood. Unfortunately, when ISFJs are the ones who need support, they might hesitate to speak up. Many people with this personality type would rather go silent than appear needy or burden their partner with their troubles.

This tendency to hold back can confuse an anxious-preoccupied partner, who might misinterpret the sudden lack of communication, thinking that their ISFJ partner is upset with them – or worse, questioning the relationship. To avoid this kind of misunderstanding, ISFJ personalities can model secure communication by expressing their own needs and feelings. Not only will this help them receive the support that they need but it will also create a sense of reciprocal vulnerability that can strengthen the relationship as a whole.

ESTJ (Executive)

ESTJ personalities bring a sense of reliability and consistency to their relationships that can be incredibly reassuring for their partner. This often shows up in how they offer more traditional displays of affection, such as bringing home a well-timed bouquet of flowers or preparing their partner’s favorite meal. People with this personality type can support an anxious-preoccupied partner by leaning into this aspect of their nature, demonstrating their attentiveness through as many thoughtful little gestures as possible.

ESTJs should also make an effort to soften their direct communication style when discussing sensitive topics with their partner, resisting the urge to immediately offer solutions or dismiss more emotional concerns as irrational. These personalities should, instead, develop their active listening skills and try to become comfortable acknowledging their partner’s feelings with compassion.

ESFJ (Consul)

ESFJ personalities tend to appreciate emotional expressiveness, and this facet of their personality is generally an asset in their romantic relationships. They genuinely want to create a harmonious dynamic with their partner, and they are likely to readily offer up the reassurance and empathy that they believe their anxious-preoccupied partner needs.

But in the name of offering support, they may also offer up unsolicited advice – and then become frustrated when their partner doesn’t follow it. For their sensitive anxious-preoccupied partner, this can feel a lot like criticism or disapproval. To counteract this, ESFJs will want to hit the pause button on their “fix-it” tendencies. They should ask themselves whether they are really hearing what their partner says and take the time to pause and actively listen when their partner is expressing their needs. This will demonstrate the trust that they have in their partner and therefore strengthen the intimacy and sense of understanding that hold the relationship together.

Explorer Personality Types

ISTP (Virtuoso)

Staying calm under pressure is one of the defining strengths of people with the ISTP personality type. In a romantic relationship, however, staying too calm may give the impression that they don’t really care when their partner is having a hard time or trying to express complex emotions. Their anxious-preoccupied partner may feel alone in their internal struggles, which will only intensify any insecurities around their ISTP partner’s commitment to them and the relationship as a whole.

To counteract this, ISTPs should intentionally challenge themselves to be more verbally responsive and obviously supportive of their partner in difficult moments. If they don’t feel comfortable saying anything, they can hold their partner’s hand while they listen, showing their support through a simple, physical gesture. In more relaxed moments when everything seems fine, they can check in with their partner to make sure that nothing is going unsaid.

ISFP (Adventurer)

ISFP personalities have a strong tendency to avoid confrontation. This, combined with their need for physical and emotional space, underlies their more cautious and sensitive nature. Unfortunately, if their anxiously attached partner never quite knows what they are thinking, it can create a sense of uncomfortable distance that undermines the entire relationship. To more effectively support their partner, ISFPs should intentionally open up and be more transparent about what’s on their minds.

ISFPs can lean into their creative, caring side to create thoughtful environments where they feel more comfortable discussing what is on their mind. They might dedicate some time to selecting peaceful background music, for instance, or inviting their partner on a hike to some beautiful destination. The goal is to create an intimate atmosphere that inspires and supports deep conversation. By opening up, ISFPs can demonstrate their trust and reinforce the sense of connection that their anxious-preoccupied partner needs.

ESTP (Entrepreneur)

ESTP personalities should be mindful that their love for excitement and their tendency to take risks might be unsettling for an anxious-preoccupied partner, who likely craves stability and commitment. To more effectively support their partner, ESTPs will need to work on not only communicating their plans and intentions more clearly (even if it feels like doing so is slowing them down) but also intentionally cultivating a sense of stability and demonstrating their commitment to the relationship through tangible actions.

To do this, people with this personality type can lean into their action-oriented nature. ESTPs should tune in to the practical life challenges that their partner is facing, then tackle them head-on. This might look like taking responsibility for a random chore that their partner has been putting off or using their problem-solving skills to streamline routine household tasks.

ESFP (Entertainer)

ESFP personalities are known for their natural warmth and lighthearted nature. They’re affectionate and expressive, often providing the frequent reassurance that their partner needs. They can build upon these natural strengths by using their creativity and love for shared experiences to create positive memories with their partner, which will reinforce their bond and create a sense of closeness and intimacy.

However, ESFPs should keep in mind that their anxiously attached partner also needs to know that they can engage in deeper, more serious conversations about the relationship. ESFP personalities should make space to check in like this on a regular basis and try to minimize outside distractions during these conversations.

Final Thoughts

Being in a relationship with an anxious-preoccupied person has its challenges. And no matter what you do, you can’t change your partner’s attachment style outright – that part of the equation is ultimately up to them. What you can do is open up a dialogue about attachment styles to help them cultivate a sense of self-awareness around their own attachment-related patterns in relationships.

And, of course, you can create the supportive conditions and secure home base that they need to embark on this aspect of their personal growth journey.

If you read through all of the advice for each personality type, you’ll notice some overarching themes: Anxious-preoccupied partners need consistent reassurance. They need emotional support and encouragement to express themselves. Most importantly, they need you to model a secure attachment style through healthy boundaries, communication, and your own emotional regulation. These are the best ways to love and support a partner with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.

If you are currently in a relationship with an anxiously attached partner, what questions or doubts do you have about how to support them most effectively? And if you have this particular attachment style, what do you wish your partner could understand about your needs? Let us know in the comments below.