The “Extrovert Ideal” Didn’t Spark Joy, So I Let It Go

Even if you’ve never heard of the “Extrovert Ideal,” you’ve probably experienced it. It’s a subtle (or not-so-subtle) bias in many Western cultures, especially in the United States. Coined by author Susan Cain, it’s the idea that the ideal self is “gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight” rather than solitary and reflective.

You can blame the Extrovert Ideal for open-concept workspaces, online dating biases (“I won’t date anyone who doesn’t have a picture of themself with their friends”), and gaps in pay, among other things. In short, it creates social and professional environments that reward typical Extraverted* behaviors at the expense of Introverted behaviors. It paints Introverts as needing to step up their game and be more like Extraverts in order to make it in the modern world.

*Did we make a mistake with that spelling? Nope. For more on the spelling and the personality trait, check out this handy article: “What Extraverted Personality Types Aren’t.”

I bought into this for a long time. I felt pressure to meet new people and put myself out there to live up to my ideals. Yet that was paired with a fear of embarrassment, shame, and failure. All. The. Time.

So why buy into this instead of being comfortable with who I am? *gives a sideways glance to the Turbulent personality trait* Yeah, Turbulence. I may be a Logician (INTP), but I’m a Turbulent Logician. Sensitivity to stress and external expectations – a key feature of this personality trait – has its pros, but it can be a real bear when all you want to do is be happy. It provides (forces?) a certain drive to improve, coupled with deep anxiety in the face of that improvement.

Although the notion of “constant improvement” is a noble one, as a Turbulent Introvert – a Constant Improvement Strategy personality type – I’ve long felt burdened by my attempts to live up to that title. This was especially the case when my effort was so rooted in trying to be an Extravert, despite my nature. Between that and my Turbulent sense of being dissatisfied with myself, I always felt lacking, like I needed to get better. Not in a healthy “personal growth” way, but in a “you’re not good enough yet” way.

Rather than feeling emboldened by my occasional Extraverted successes, I felt eroded by the constant need to put in the unnatural effort.

I feel a little guilty about it, but the restrictions imposed by COVID-19 (“the coronavirus”) have given me a much-needed break. I’ve been forced to step back from the pressure I put on myself to improve in ways that are unnatural for me – trying to be outgoing, make friends, volunteer. It’s like, well, now I don’t have to do any of those things. I’m not even really allowed to. And it’s such a relief.

It’s also given me time to reflect. It turns out that so much of what was burdening me was self-imposed. The pressure to be social, to put myself out there – it was all optional. I’m happier with just a few good people in my life. I don’t need to constantly cast about for the “other” who can meet my needs better, or whose needs I can meet. Instead, I can deepen my commitment and trust in those who’ve already earned it while, yes, keeping my heart and mind open to new people and events, if something does happen organically. I’ll always be an opportunist.

I’ll still go out and donate blood, because that actually does make me feel better. I’ll still say hello to strangers, because I am open to those social potentials. But the pressure. The obligation. It’s not on me to make these things work in spite of my own preferences. It’s on me to find joy where it is to be found, and to be content with that while always striving to live a better, fuller life.

I think you, fellow Introverts, can find that joy too. The secret strength to Introversion is depth over breadth. What in your life are you taking for granted that you can throw yourself into? What relationships already exist that you can enhance with thoughtful attention? Or, perhaps most importantly, how can we recognize that the things we do naturally are good enough? Let’s talk about it in the comments.

PS: This post may seem hard on Extraverts, but that’s not the intent. There’s a reason Extraverted personalities are held up as an ideal – their energy is refreshing and powerful, their gregariousness often enjoyable and comforting. I have Extraverted friends and family who I adore. Rather than knocking Extraverts, this post is about Introverts finding their own path and being comfortable and confident in who they are, which we all deserve.

Further Reading