The Ideal Defender (ISFJ) Date

As a Defender (ISFJ) personality type, your ideal date probably reflects fairly specific romantic goals, even if they’re unconscious. Your personality traits are part of that, and taking a deeper look at the ideal date preferences of your personality type can help you reflect on what you yourself want – and then get it. (Our ongoing “Ideal Date” survey can help you better understand what motivates you in dating, whether you’re seeking new love or going out with an existing partner. Check it out.) You’re not a personality who’s easily content with just letting things happen, so let’s think about what you want to make happen – and if the discussion below resonates with you, feel free to send this article to a special someone. (*wink*)

Focused Format

About two-thirds of Defenders say they’d like to have two activities on a date, and about a quarter prefer just one. It’s a scant few Defenders who seem to want three or more activities on a date, so chances are you’re better off keeping your plans simple and focused and perhaps offering that feedback to any partners. And, for the record, the majority of Defender personalities as of this writing say they prefer an afternoon (24%) or evening (56%) date, though some (about 16%) are open to an all-day date. Very few want a morning date, ideally.

The time of day for an ideal date may be a matter of matching the rhythms of society – you probably want to go out when it doesn’t interfere with other activities. There’s also something to be said for having the proper time to prepare, right? And trying to cram in too many activities might not grant you time enough to enjoy each one, and frankly, that might just end up kind of a frenetic mess. You’d prefer to be able to settle into and enjoy the date at a steady pace.

Not Surprising

It may not be a shock to learn that only a minority of Defenders (about 39%) say their ideal date includes a surprise activity, event, or location. It may go against the value that you place on planning and the security that you derive from foreknowledge – the unexpected is not your dating spice of choice. In fact, it’s a similar minority (38%) of Defenders whose ideal date includes doing something that they’ve never done before. So, while there are certainly some more adventurous Defenders out there, most prefer some familiarity when it comes to date activities.

That idea is reinforced by the fact that few Defender personalities say their ideal date would be planned by the other person (about 17%). Most prefer to have some input (44%) or to make the plan themselves with their date’s input (34%). Being involved in date planning makes surprises and unfamiliar activities a lot less likely (since you’d probably know about them).

Traditional Activities

So what does an ideal Defender date look like? Obviously, you have your own ideas about that, but if you’re like the vast majority of Defenders (and most other personalities), it involves a meal and time alone with your date. Such classic elements are immensely rewarding on their own and are common for good reason. Sharing as essential a pleasure as good food is a great way for people to get to know each other or for established partners to reward themselves together.

Most Defenders (about 60%) seem to prefer a traditional date overall, and even those who like something quirkier and more creative can agree that time spent alone with a date is a solid central aspect to prioritize. Maybe the date includes a group yoga class in the park, but the stroll to relax afterward is probably best enjoyed just as a couple. (And don’t forget that meal! Yoga can really work up an appetite.)

Talk More Than Drink

Most Defenders (about 90%) say their ideal date includes deep conversation, which is a sentiment shared by most personality types. That makes sense, because even if you know your date and their opinions well, giving each other attention back and forth can be very affirming. Something as simple as discussing the events of your workweek is a chance to show each other support and validation. That’s very attractive when romance is just forming and essential to sustaining it over the long term.

However, social lubricants like alcohol may not be the preferred way for Defenders to open up with a partner. Only about two out of 10 say their ideal date involves consuming any intoxicants. As a Defender, you might enjoy the occasional indulgence but not see it as an essential social ritual. We’d guess that you’d also prefer to stay safe, remain in control of yourself, and avoid any of the downsides of consuming too much of anything – or having your date get out of control.

Your Ideal Date

The statistics of the ideal Defender date are only part of the story, and the rest is something that you get to write. That’s important, because your role in your ideal love life must be more than a passive one. Your dating ideal is being able to explore joyful romantic possibilities and fun activities without a lot of chaos or drama. Finding ways to meet people and try things without being pushed too far or too suddenly outside your boundaries is probably a good idea.

One of the ways that you can make your dates their best is by focusing on building trust and communication. In a new romance, trust might be the most important milestone for people with your personality type, because it opens the door to so much more. When you trust your date, you can relax, express yourself freely, and be open to the unexpected without much worry. Questions about the future seem less stressful when you feel comfortable with the person by your side. Communication enables that, and it can always be deepened – even between long-term partners.

But you may not want dating to feel belabored by a lot of questioning, even if deep conversations are a popular element in an ideal date. Sometimes communication can happen by simply engaging in experiences together and listening to each other’s responses. That’s a pretty natural way to develop trust and familiarity – and to have fun. Even dating missteps are a great opportunity for romantic partners to learn about what makes each other happy.

So, overall, our advice on achieving your ideal date is pretty straightforward: you know what you like, and your partner will show you what they like. Taking a gradual, purposeful approach to discovering dating fun together will eventually pave the way for some dynamic experiences, but there’s no rush. It’s more important to honor your feelings than to hit some kind of target that you set for yourself – or one that’s set for you. You don’t merely defend what’s important in life, you create it, and that might take a little time.

Conclusion: Creating Traditions

In general, positive social structures like family and community are something sacred to Defender personalities. Dating is part of this structure in many ways, making it something of even deeper significance than the obvious personal ramifications. Dating is about people entering into (or reaffirming, in the case of established couples) their own private institution together in some form. It may be lighthearted, but the idea that there’s serious potential is part of an ideal romance for most Defenders.

So approaching your ideal date as though it represents something more than just the planned activities might be one of the ways to discover deeper joy. A first date is a step on the path to creating traditions together, and new traditions can allow new joy into an established relationship. As a Defender personality type, you may enjoy reexperiencing your favorite date activities – it’s satisfying and comforting to indulge in cherished traditions. But there’s always room for new ones, as well.