Tradition in Romance: The Ideal Date

“Expectation is the root from which disappointment grows.”
An Analyst, probably

Ah, the ideal date – as unique to individual personalities as it is unlikely…unless you have very realistic ideals. But that’s not easy with fictional romance tropes buzzing around your head, is it? Like a bee trapped in your car, they can make things risky – don’t sting me, idealized expectations! Quick, we need another quote!

“Acceptance is the balm that soothes the sting of unmet hope.”
Me, just now

Maybe writing motivational phrases isn’t my strong suit, so let’s move on to personality type theory and the data that grants it ever-so-lovely weight. Knowing one’s limits is the first step to becoming unlimited. (How’s that one? No? Okay, moving on…)

I’ve been exploring our research on tradition in romance, including how couples with different views on tradition might reconcile those differences in a relationship. Here, we’ll look at a question from our ongoing “Ideal Date” survey: “Is your ideal date more quirky and creative, or classic and traditional?” Whether it’s a blossoming new romance or an established couple’s night out, both partners deserve to enjoy a date, right?

But before we proceed, I invite you personality typing aficionados to guess which personality type most favors a classic and traditional date and which most favors a quirky and creative date. (No cheating!) I’ll reveal those stats later, and you can let me know in the comments what your guesses were. First, let’s check out the responses of the personality Role groups to date:

Almost three-quarters of Analyst and Diplomat personality types overall seem to prefer a quirky and creative date. That almost certainly has a lot to do with the differences between Intuitive and Observant personality types – there’s about a 20-point gap in average agreement rates between personalities with those respective traits. Let’s break that down.

Analyst and Diplomat Personality Types

Members of the two Intuitive Role groups, Analysts and Diplomats, enjoy exploring the depth of their imagination to the highest degree. That mindset affects how they engage with external reality as well, including places, events, experiences, and other people – like on a date. Intuitive personalities are always seeking (or trying to create) the imaginative side of life. On a date, that may go hand in hand with a preference for unfamiliar things or unconventional approaches over familiar ones.

So if an Intuitive personality is planning a date, they may gravitate toward activities (or at least settings) that are outside of their routine in the hopes that exploring them with a partner will bring excitement and joy. Likewise, these personalities are relatively likely to enjoy it if someone else plans an imagination-heavy date for them. That doesn’t always mean something adventurous, though. It could be the chance to express personal creativity and uniqueness in a relatively sedate way: for example, making art together, versus an energetic group activity like an escape room.

Sentinel Personality Types

The Sentinel Role group is the least likely to prefer a quirky and creative date, likely due to their Judging trait. There’s a roughly 16-point gap in agreement rates between Judging and Prospecting personalities. Sentinels are the only Role group with minority agreement, though really, they’re fairly evenly split between preferring a quirky, creative date and a classic, traditional date. So it’s not accurate to say that they dislike quirky, creative dates – it’s just that they may be reasonably likely to see value in something classic and traditional.

For Sentinels, there’s a certain pleasure in affirming a favorite experience, setting, or activity. Returning to something familiar with a loved one is one of the ways that they find comfort and joy. They also like the certainty of the positive payoff that often comes from a traditional, tested activity. That probably doesn’t mean doing the same thing over and over – it just means staying within the realm of familiarity more often than not. For example, Sentinels may see merit in a classic and traditional date like going out to dinner and a movie – yet they may still want to try new restaurants and see new movies.

Explorer Personality Types

The Explorer Role group is a bit more open than their fellow Observant types, the Sentinels, to creative and quirky dates, owing to their Prospecting personality trait. While these personalities may not get as lost in imagination as Intuitive types tend to, they have a great appreciation for novelty. Routine and repetition bore them quite quickly, especially when it comes to something personal like dating, versus a necessary responsibility like work. Most Explorers enjoy a date that includes something unfamiliar, exciting, or even a bit odd. For them, those things bring mental stimulation, and that translates into joy that can make romance come alive.

However, Explorers may look more to the external world than their own imagination when it comes to quirky and creative date ideas. For them, interacting with what’s happening around them is its own kind of excitement, an in-the-moment style of engagement that differs from internal imagination. So, while they like trying something quirky and creative on a date, they’ll enjoy it most if the activity is not limited to their mindscape or some conceptual context – for example, a carnival or fair where they can delight in unexpected experiences being presented to them.

An Odd Couple: The Most Opposed Types

Earlier, I invited you to guess which personality types agree least on the ideal date, but that’s not just trivia. Let’s suppose that those two personalities were a couple and think about how they might accommodate each other’s very different date preferences. Because let’s face it: real-life differences between any personality types affect their relationships. In this case, our conflicted couple are a Campaigner (ENFP, about 84% favoring quirky, creative dates) and a Logistician (ISTJ, about 66% favoring classic, traditional dates).

It’s likely that these two would have a kind of push-pull dynamic where the Campaigner is the one trying to drag the Logistician into activities or experiences. I use the prejudicial term “drag” because this situation is likely to cause them both stress, which isn’t a recipe for relationship happiness.

The more avant-garde Campaigner may feel “dragged down,” as if the Logistician’s traditional preferences are preventing the couple from reaping the rewards of creative or quirky dates. In turn, the Logistician may feel “dragged into” activities or situations that they can’t comfortably handle, resenting the pressure. As their relationship progresses, each may grow more frustrated by their different ideas of what exactly constitutes an ideal date.

Enjoying Each Other’s Enjoyment

If the point of a date is to share fun with someone special, then this couple needs to practice some compromise and find new perspectives. One way to do that could be for each partner to consciously appreciate how the other enjoys their preferred style of date, as well as try to find their own dimension of enjoyment in it. Being aware of a partner’s joy – and being part of its creation – can affirm a positive sense of attachment. When it comes to conflicting date ideals, compromise might mean finding a way to participate enough to support a partner’s enjoyment and feel a positive sense of engagement in the activity.

For example, let’s say the Campaigner wants to go on a rock-climbing date because it’s exciting and unfamiliar. The Logistician is not enthusiastic but decides to enjoy the experience from a different angle. Maybe they never grab a handhold themselves, but they learn to belay the Campaigner, coach them from the ground, and cheer them on. The Logistician doesn’t need to climb a route to enjoy the date, because it’s time spent doing something fun together, even if the date is much closer to one person’s ideal than the other’s.

The same could happen if the Campaigner agrees to a more traditional date that they’re not very enthusiastic about. For example, maybe the Logistician wants to get ice cream and go for a stroll, as the couple has done many times before. The Campaigner might find the pedestrian routine a bit sedate yet enjoy taking a relaxing break from their normal energetic style of recreation to explore thoughtful conversation. And the fact that the Logistician really enjoys repeating a familiar, favorite activity makes it more enjoyable for the Campaigner to share in.

If this couple alternates between each other’s ideal dates, and both partners honor and support each other’s enjoyment, they’ll be fine. The fun might be a 70/30 split some of the time, as each partner accommodates the other’s ideal date, but that generous act in itself is a good relationship investment. However, this concept has some caveats.

First is that since alternating between ideal dates will always result in one partner having less fun than the other, it’s probably best not to do that more than half the time. It’s a decent fallback method of compromise to deal with conflicting date ideals, but the main goal should always be to devise dates that both partners enjoy about equally.

Second, the idea of “enjoying a partner’s enjoyment” works best when it’s no great burden. In the above examples, the Campaigner is not asking the Logistician to actually do any climbing – they’re just hanging out. And likewise, it’s not asking much for the Campaigner to eat ice cream and take a relaxing walk now and then. But if either partner is pushed too hard or far into participation, it might be difficult for them to enjoy or support the experience at all.

Lastly, this idea of compromise can’t reasonably extend to a date activity that one partner can’t enjoy at all – that 30% (or whatever) enjoyment is necessary. The goal is to find enough enjoyment to make the date worthwhile, whether through a partner’s joy or some fresh angle of engagement, but that’s not always possible. For example, a vegan might not be able to enjoy going fly-fishing, no matter how much their partner loves angling for elusive brook trout.

Conclusion: Everything’s Imbalanced, Anyway

Obviously, the possible definitions of an “ideal date” are as numerous as people themselves, so it’s pretty unlikely that any given date will be perfectly, equally enjoyable to both partners (especially partners with different personality traits). Given that, the best approach might be to keep a reasonably open mind and try things once before forming a solid view. It’s possible that the ideal date exists only in the mind, but there are a lot of fun experiences waiting out in the world.

Sometimes togetherness is the best part, and both people can bond through some horrible or hilarious date activity. Heck, they could even select something obviously eye-rolling just for the sake of laughing their way through it. If you embrace failure, then there is no failure. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist one last attempt.)