Turning Romance into Intimate Love by Personality Type

The Difference between Romance and Intimate Love

We typically use “romance” as an umbrella word for anything that involves a love connection. But, for this article, we’ll use the word “romance” in a more specialized way. We’ll discuss the difference between romance and what we’ll call intimate love. The first can be superficial and excitement-based. The second is more of a bonding type of love that provides the glue necessary for keeping a longer-lasting bond intact. Of course, that doesn’t mean that an intimate love has to last forever, but it does need time to reach the required depths for such a bond to exist. On the other hand, a strictly romance-based relationship only needs so much time to form. “Love at first sight” is a very romantic notion, as we’re using the word “romance” in this article.

Romance is all about attraction, excited feelings, and grand gestures. It occurs more in the moment and may or may not lead to anything long term. A romance could be a summer fling that ends when September rolls around or the doorway to a lifetime spent together. It’s been said that sexual attraction is nature’s way of tricking humans into committed relationships, for the ultimate purpose of procreating. That’s a little cynical and not consistently accurate. Still, it does highlight one of the roles of early attraction and romantic feelings.

In contrast, intimate love is based on reaching an emotional, physical, and intellectual depth that occurs after a couple has spent time together. It involves exploring the things that make the other person tick. Honesty, vulnerability, and shared experiences are critical to more intimate love.

Early-stage romance will likely not include intimate love, since true intimacy takes time and commitment. However, romance can and should be integrated into intimate love. Some would argue that intimate love often needs a shot of romance to keep things interesting. Think “date night” after being partnered for many years. So we can romance without true intimacy, but true intimacy often needs to be fueled by romance.

How Personality Types Move from Romance to True Intimacy

So our question is, what are some things that an individual with a specific personality type might need to move beyond their initial romantic feelings and into a deeper bond with a potential partner? Here’s our take.

Analyst Personality Types

The Intimate Architect (INTJ)

A heart-centered strategy will take Architects beyond romance. Yes, Architects are Thinking personality types. But no rule says the heart and head must be dichotomous.

People with this personality type honor honesty and directness in communication, so the couple must build trust to allow safe interaction in Architects’ preferred style. The pair should also try to base everything within the relationship on each person’s truth. When Architects don’t sense that the basis for their interactions is factual, it feels like flying blind. When this happens, they may lack the confidence to go deeper.

It would also be helpful for Architects to think of love as more than just a feeling. Love can be a passionate, sincere commitment to another person, expressed through a series of caring actions. You may have heard the saying, “Love is an action verb.” This may be where strategy-minded Architects shine in relationships. Architects are problem-solvers. When bonding with a partner, the problem might be expressed as, “What are the things that I need to do to understand and connect more deeply with this other person?”

The Intimate Logician (INTP)

Blessed with a vigorous curiosity, Logicians will likely apply this to their relationships. Being open to their partner and getting to know them better will help people with this personality type take a relationship deeper.

However, to be as curious about matters of the heart as they are about their partner’s intellectual life, Logicians might need to work to further develop their emotional intelligence. Too much rational analysis can sound like a clinical interview rather than an intimate conversation. To create a solid connection, Logicians may need to learn to speak affectionately and emotionally, touching their partner’s heart as much as they touch their minds.

In a partnership with a Logician, sharing interests can be vital for developing closeness. These personalities tend to commit deeply to their interests, even if the commitment takes the form of intensity rather than longevity. Their partner must be willing to listen as Logicians expound on their latest obsession. It may be helpful if both members of the couple tend to be fascinated by similar things.

The Intimate Commander (ENTJ)

For Commander personalities to get beyond the exhilarating dating stage to a more profound relationship, they likely need someone who is as growth-oriented as they are. Or, alternatively, they may need someone who can tolerate or support Commanders’ ambition for self-improvement, whether or not they engage in their own. The latter can be challenging if Commanders place too much value on other people pursuing growth. If they see their partner falling short in this area, it may affect how they regard them.

Commanders might also find a deeper connection with their partner if they develop a shared vision for their lives together. People with this personality type like to set goals and have clear targets to aim for. They want a clear, well thought-out path as a guide and will go deeper with someone who shares their vision.

One of the things that may be difficult for Commanders who are pursuing a more intimate relationship is their general need for control. This can make emotional vulnerability difficult for them. Too often, vulnerability is interpreted as a weakness, when in fact, opening up to another person usually comes from strength and is often an incredibly courageous act.

Vulnerability is likely to go into emotional material, which may be difficult for Commanders, who tend to prefer what they perceive to be the more stable realm of rationality. Commanders may want to shift their thinking on how much of themselves they share with their partner to develop a deeper bond. Learning to reveal more freely what is in their mind and heart within the sanctity of a relationship may help individuals with this personality type develop a more satisfying and intimate connection.

The Intimate Debater (ENTP)

Debaters can be stimulating partners as they share their ideas and unique approaches to life with their partner. This quality can enhance a relationship’s early romantic and later intimate stages. In addition, it may be helpful for Debaters to find a partner who is similar to them. Still, sometimes life likes putting contrasting personality types together. Sometimes different types provide novel perspectives for partners who appreciate them.

While Debaters are usually engaged and engaging, they can sometimes think of something like love as a mental exercise to be figured out. There is no harm in doing that, unless their objectivity becomes their primary approach. Intimate bonding usually involves a more subjective, more immersive process. It consists of some emotional blending with the other person. Taking a too-clinical view of a love relationship and trying to figure it out too technically can result in an objective distance that counteracts any sense of intimacy.

People with this personality type may need to work on sensitivity, empathy, and becoming more proficient in dealing with their partner’s emotions. We can all occasionally boost our emotional intelligence, and awareness of its importance is the best starting place. Debaters will likely be more successful in bonding deeply if they supplement their objectivity with more personal emotional responses.

Diplomat Personality Types

The Intimate Advocate (INFJ)

Advocates do best in relationships where they balance their ideals with the reality that we are all flawed. Advocates’ passion for how things should be can sometimes impede authentic connections. Few of us live up to our ideals. People with this personality type may need to withhold excessive judgment based on their principles to let love grow. Advocates must strike a balance of acceptance while not abandoning their standards.

Advocate personalities also seek consistency. A significant amount of loyalty must be evident before an Advocate can think about true intimacy. Generally, they look for a partner with long-term potential and the kind of shared values that create lasting relationships.

Advocates value personal development and expect freedom within a relationship to explore growth. But, in the meantime, they want to see their partner flourish. Advocates’ connection with their partner will likely deepen if these two streams of self-improvement merge into a growth mindset shared by the couple. Ideally, an Advocate will want all three points of the improvement triangle: their own growth, their partner’s growth, and their growth together.

The Intimate Mediator (INFP)

Mediators are likely to dive deeply into relationships after they build adequate trust in the person they fall in love with. However, it may take them some time to get there as they explore the values and integrity of their potential partner. Mediators are not always the most confident personalities. They are probably less likely than most to jump quickly into a relationship. They want to ensure that their connection is not based on anything superficial. Instead, they are willing to take the time and energy to dig deep to discover the level of substance that their potential partner possesses.

People with this personality type are more likely than most to value warmth and acts of kindness that are bestowed on them. But, for Mediators, this must be about more than just romantic gestures. They must have a sense that they are genuinely being cared for. Mediators are usually kind to their loved ones, so it’s only fair that they’re looking for the same in return.

Like all Introverts, Mediators are likely to value their alone time. Still, they appreciate quality time with those they love. Keeping a healthy balance might be challenging for any Mediator who is seeking a deeper bond with the one they love. They might need to learn to integrate the best of both worlds.

The Intimate Protagonist (ENFJ)

A typical Protagonist is likely to approach a serious relationship with great intensity. When bonding with the person they love, nothing is considered too deep for people with this personality type. For most Protagonists, staying superficial for too long isn’t acceptable.

Protagonists will pay close attention to their partner’s needs in an intensifying relationship. It is their way of life to care for others. However, Protagonists may need to remind themselves that true intimacy is a two-way street. These individuals tend to be extraordinarily self-sacrificing and sometimes lose themselves in the needs of their partner. If they’re not paying attention to self-care, they may find themselves consumed by the other person while ignoring their own needs. To develop true intimacy, Protagonists may have to let their partner take care of them too.

The Intimate Campaigner (ENFP)

Campaigners have a zest for life and may have difficulty engaging with someone who does not share their energy. But there are likely exceptions to that, as there are to any rule. Sometimes opposites attract, and the ingredients that bring people closer can sometimes be a mystery.

People with this personality type will go deeper with someone if they feel that excitement or adventure is part of the relationship. Adding a generous sprinkling of light-hearted humor and fun will motivate Campaigners to commit even more.

Speaking of commitment, this can be a sticking point for Campaigners. As much as they love deep relationships, they value their independence and freedom too. They need room to be spontaneous. Campaigners may need someone who can be flexible and understanding when one of their autonomous impulses hits. Seeking a little space doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re rejecting the relationship. Most likely, they are trying to meet some of their needs while remaining loyal to their partner.

Thinking of taking the next step in your relationship? Our Romantic Fulfillment Test helps you assess your confidence, optimism, and emotional attunement in your relationship and offers a few ideas on how to take your relationship to the highest level.

Sentinel Personality Types

The Intimate Logistician (ISTJ)

Logisticians will likely want to see the same stability that they bring to their lives reflected back in their romantic relationships. So, naturally, they would probably feel uneasy entering into a deep alliance with anyone who doesn’t match their precise approach to life. That their partner shares the values that prop up their diligent qualities is likely crucial for any Logistician who is hoping to develop a deep relationship with a partner. Honesty and loyalty are treasured characteristics that these individuals will look for before diving into the depths of a solid relationship.

Logisticians are not among the most spontaneous personality types, and deepening a relationship may be a slow and cautious process for them. Things will be helped if the conversations leading to closer ties are practical and direct. Logisticians are typically serious, so the couple’s more productive discussions will likely be frill-free, rational, and to the point. It may help if people with this personality type spend a little time working on emotional intelligence and learning to speak to the heart, to a reasonable degree.

The Intimate Defender (ISFJ)

Defenders are all about providing support. For a relationship to go deeper, people with this personality type may need to feel valued in their helper role. They may not actively seek much recognition or acknowledgment for their caring and loving acts. However, Defenders are likely to thrive better with a partner who sees them for who they are and can communicate their appreciation in some manner.

Relationships are essential to Defenders because they see them as foundational to the secure life that they typically desire. However, building that relationship might be helped if Defenders learn to be more assertive and to communicate more openly. These relatively reserved individuals may not be emotionally expressive, even though they can be pretty sensitive. They can stand up for themselves or others when necessary but are generally averse to conflict. As a result, Defenders may not always speak up when something hurts them or they feel that their needs are unmet. Being vulnerable and taking risks is essential for deepening a bond and ensuring that both partners are getting their needs met.

The Intimate Executive (ESTJ)

Executives tend to be quite forceful in their approach to life as they try to realize their goals and objectives in a disciplined manner. Consequently, they may see a love relationship in more practical terms than most. It may even feel like a division of labor, with each partner filling certain supportive roles for the other.

Missing ingredients in the search for stronger bonding might be the expression of emotions and taking time to smell the roses. Executives may need to work on their emotional intelligence to find that place of warmth, communication, and vulnerability that is so helpful in building deep relationships. This will likely require much trust before they will feel comfortable opening up. People with this personality type may also need to drop the importance of specific and apparent outcomes in favor of enjoying the journey.

That said, many kinds of relationships can work. Executives might find a solid and deep connection based on goal-oriented teamwork rather than more traditional approaches to intimacy. It’s not for other people to decide what works for them. However, engaging in emotional intimacy may add a more positive texture to their lives, which may be worth exploring.

The Intimate Consul (ESFJ)

In love and romance, Consul personalities are highly concerned with the long game. If someone they are dating takes too long to embrace commitment, Consuls will likely move on fast. They will probably have a uniquely strong focus on longevity and a natural desire to go very deep in their relationships. They lovingly care for and nurture their partner and look for the same in return.

Consuls will likely progress through a relationship in established ways. Tradition tends to be important to Consuls, so they are likely to tread on well-worn paths, both through the romantic phase and as they build intimacy. The events that they celebrate, like birthdays and anniversaries, can reinforce a sense of deep bonding and be infused with meaning. That the couple has seen the arrival of one more anniversary may have more meaning for Consuls than it does for most personality types. A deepening relationship is likely marked by a series of tangible celebrations.

Explorer Personality Types

The Intimate Virtuoso (ISTP)

Going deeper in a relationship is likely to be challenging for Virtuosos. It’s not that people with this personality type are incapable of forming loving attachments. But they have a strong independent streak and quickly feel controlled and confined by a relationship. Virtuosos may even feel that they are creating problems for themselves by connecting intimately with another.

However, if they bond romantically with someone who is flexible enough to appreciate this need for independence, Virtuosos may be able to build the freedom that they desire into the relationship. Negotiating a more significant amount of autonomy than usual and setting acceptable boundaries around expectations and behaviors will likely be critical. For such negotiations to happen, Virtuosos may need to concentrate on developing their communication skills and emotional intelligence.

With communication and understanding their partner’s emotional needs as well as their own, Virtuosos can become just as adept at love as they are skilled at many other things in life.

The Intimate Adventurer (ISFP)

Adventurers are sensitive individuals. As such, they may need to be frequently reassured by a partner who can connect with them on a deep emotional level. They likely need someone who understands the language of emotions and can respond well to their feelings to achieve intimacy. People with this personality type tend to have a substantial need to be cared for emotionally.

Emotions change like the weather. Consequently, people who rely heavily on their feelings, like Adventurers typically do, must maintain a certain level of flexibility and open-mindedness. This is necessary to manage their ever-evolving moods and opinions. Any significant love relationship that involves an Adventurer might thrive better if it includes this impressionable style – or, at the very least, that quality must be understood by their partner.

Similarly, Adventurers value spontaneity and often look for things that excite them or give them passionate feelings. As a result, they will feel more at home plunging into the depths of intimacy with someone who has a similar sense of exploration and curiosity.

The Intimate Entrepreneur (ESTP)

Entrepreneurs tend to be exciting partners who take risks and are often a lot of fun at the early stages of romance. However, they may have trouble taking a relationship to a deeper level because of their reluctance to slow down. These personalities strive to create excitement by pushing the envelope whenever they can. One of the hallmarks of creating stronger bonds with a partner is a sense of stability, which may present some degree of challenge to Entrepreneurs.

But that should not discourage anyone hoping to develop a deeper relationship with an Entrepreneur. Instead, it invites conversations about boundaries and the long-term direction of the relationship. Learning to harness Entrepreneurs’ energy rather than trying to restrict it can be a powerful tool for keeping romance alive. But, of course, it may take an exceptional partner to appreciate and tap into Entrepreneurs’ enthusiasm and use it for good.

People with this personality type can benefit from learning to speak directly and candidly. Being an open book about wants and needs is essential to any solid relationship. Entrepreneurs may need to work on using their words more with their partner before resorting to surprising actions. In addition, they may want to emphasize frequently a sense of the couple as a team.

The Intimate Entertainer (ESFP)

Entertainers are generally fun-loving and stylish individuals who are highly social. They need someone who shares things like a sense of enjoyment, a passionate desire to spend time with others, and an appreciation for aesthetics.

In addition, Entertainers need to know that their loved ones care about them for more than just their fun and excitement. Because they live in the moment and focus a lot on appearances and outward behaviors, people with this personality type can sometimes seem superficial. But they are usually genuinely empathetic individuals who care deeply about others and are quite capable of insightful feelings and thoughts. So, although they don’t mind being loved for the things they do that might appear superficial to others, Entertainers probably want their partner to know their true internal nature. And to go deeper, both partners need to be curious about each other’s inner thoughts and feelings.

Go Ahead – Go Deeper

In conclusion, intimacy in romantic relationships can and should be explored. It can strengthen a loving bond and bring more joy, closeness, and fulfillment. But, of course, the deeper you go, the more bravery, authenticity, and vulnerability you will need.

That said, you may want to feel the fear and share your deepest soul with your partner anyway. The things that you might find in the deep places could bring your love to higher levels that you’ve never imagined possible.

We’d love for you to share your experiences with romance, bonded love, and intimacy and how they were informed by your personality type. So please feel free to comment below.