Validating your partner’s emotions is a great way to support them, but another powerful relationship tool is validating their personality traits and associated behaviors. Validation means offering understanding and acceptance of your partner’s personality as something separate from judgment or approval. You can show that you embrace your partner for all they are, from the areas where they shine admirably to troublesome habits that they struggle with.
When your partner feels understood and accepted, it can bring about a greater sense of connection between you both. Affection and approval are important parts of a loving relationship, but validation is special because it can be offered even when you and your partner aren’t in harmony. It’s like saying, “I care, and I’m paying attention,” and that can be very affirming in difficult and joyful moments alike.
Here we’ll discuss some ways to validate a Consul (ESFJ) partner based on some likely behaviors for that personality type. Use them as a starting point to explore how you can practice validating your partner’s unique expression of personality.
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Consul Qualities to Validate
Social Capacity
Consuls have a social focus on par with the most outgoing personality types, though how they express it tends to be more intentional than random. They can be somewhat selective about who they truly connect with, yet they rarely see any limit to the number of compatible people they can welcome into their lives. You’ve probably noted that your partner often acts as something of a social hub, willing to give deeply of themselves to the people they care about. That mindset can result in a robust social circle with lots of friends and close ties with family.
It can also bring some complexity into your relationship as your partner devotes time and energy to being involved in other people’s lives. Consuls often live as though they have a wide, extended family around them. It can be a very welcoming and supportive lifestyle, but it’s not without pitfalls. Your partner has certain social expectations that must be met for them to be happy, and when contentious issues, slights, or misunderstandings arise, they don’t let them pass easily. Who’s in or out of favor with whom – and why – is also likely to be a focus for your partner.
Validating your Consul partner’s social side may be easier or harder for you depending on how it matches your own personality. But observing their needs and motivations in this area will help you see when to validate them with understanding and acceptance. Part of that may mean tolerating your partner’s friends and family being part of your shared world and recognizing how important those relationships are to them. Another aspect is showing that you understand the social fabric that your partner invests in so heavily by paying attention to its details.
In everyday life, that can look like listening attentively when your partner talks about people and their interactions and trying to maintain a sense of the history involved. The social world can be complex, and Consuls who are steeped in it can sometimes be like librarians, curating the past as well as keeping track of current events. You don’t necessarily need to share that level of social interest to validate it – your understanding and respect are enough. (Of course, you will be expected to participate socially to some degree, and that’s just part of being with a Consul.)
Sense of Duty
People with the Judging personality trait tend to use a dedicated focus to get important things done in life. Judging personalities with the Observant trait tend to be especially good at expressing that focus in practical ways. Your Consul partner embodies those qualities, yet as businesslike as they can be at times, you’ve probably also noticed how their pursuit of priorities is infused with feeling. For them, goals and the responsibility to achieve them are personal, emotional, and sometimes, a matter of principle.
And that doesn’t just happen with technical or personal goals – the social inclinations discussed above mean that your partner likely has a stronger-than-average sense of obligation to those they care for. And notably, they like to see that same kind of dutifulness in others, and they are often disappointed when they don’t. They sometimes project their own values onto people in their lives, and that can create pressure or occasionally make them seem controlling.
That can be a complex issue to address in your relationship, but validation can help you avoid problems with your partner in this area. Chances are your partner feels a sense of responsibility to achieve what they see as ideal outcomes in their own lives and all around them. That can be quite a burden. If they’re insistent on or try to pressure others into certain courses of action, it’s because they feel that something important is at stake. Unfortunately, Consuls may equate support with compliance, and because their motivations are personal, they may see a lack of agreement as an affront.
However, validation doesn’t require agreement, just understanding and acceptance. Talk with your partner to identify the motivations, concerns, and hopes underlying any pressure or obligation that they may be facing (or projecting). Validation in this case can mean saying, “Yes, I see why that’s so important.” It’s true that your agreement will make your Consul partner very happy, but supporting them doesn’t always mean doing exactly what they want or shouldering equal responsibility for their goals.
You can validate your partner’s motivations and support their deeper needs without necessarily taking on a rigid sense of duty. Some mutual freedom is critical in a healthy relationship, and part of your partner’s personal growth journey is likely learning that care isn’t the same as obligation. You can support that growth by showing that you understand and accept your partner’s sense of duty, and even if you don’t always choose to be subject to it, you’re still their loving, steadfast ally.
Tendency to Apologize
Did you know that Consul personality types top the list when it comes to apologizing a lot? They’re not the only ones who do this, but it’s important (especially for their romantic partner) to understand why this behavior is common for them. Personal relationships are very important to Consuls, and they often define the solidity of a relationship by how harmonious and cooperative it feels. They’re not very comfortable with discord, so they may use apologies as a way to ensure that their connection to others remains good. To Consuls, smooth often equals solid.
An obvious benefit to validating that mindset is reassuring your partner and helping them feel more secure. If apologies are sometimes seen as instruments of harmony, then it’s important to accept them – and offer them whenever appropriate. Participating in justified cycles of apology can be a way to put negative feelings to rest, as well as showing that you understand your partner’s personality-based need for harmony. That kind of validation is very loving and supportive.
However, the occasional presence of friction or disagreement in a relationship is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s healthy for people to honestly share their thoughts and feelings, but that can be scary. You can validate your partner’s personality by acknowledging how uncomfortable disharmony makes them feel while also helping them feel free to disagree – and hear your disagreement – without fear. One of the most validating messages that you can offer is that disagreement about one specific thing doesn’t signal any deeper problem, lack of love, or hidden consequence.
Understanding and accepting your Consul partner’s tendency to apologize (and their underlying need for harmony) means helping them stay aware of the solid foundation that your relationship is built on. That harmony is a deeper thing that can easily endure some friction and allow for the honesty that a deep, loving connection demands. Sometimes the ultimate expression of harmony means saying, “No apology is needed because we love each other enough to disagree.”
Conclusion: Knowing When to Step In
We don’t have to tell you that a relationship with a Consul is a wonderfully enveloping thing. This personality is all about love and devotion, and their focused vigor can keep a shared life humming along beautifully. Sometimes the best thing that you can do to validate your partner’s personality is just go with the flow and respect how they express their traits. At other times, you may need to speak up, assert yourself, or otherwise shake things up. The trick is getting the timing right.
Consuls don’t like conflict, but they’re open to supportive, loving input, especially when it helps them achieve their goals (whether practical or emotional). So when you need to offer contrasting views or suggestions, make it clear why you’re doing so and how it contributes to your mutual or respective individual good. Anything that springs from care is likely to make sense to a Consul.
Further Reading
- Try our Get to Know Your Partner game to help spark insightful conversations and learn more about your partner.
- A Path to Peace: Resolving Relationship Conflicts with Feeling Personality Types
- Romantic Conflicts: Four Horsemen and Four Personality Type Groups
- How to Keep Passion Alive by Personality Type
- The Stats You Really Want to Know: Personality Type and Romance