Have you ever thought about validating your partner’s personality? Personality traits are an expression of their inner being, and validating them can deepen your bond and help your partner be happier. Yet validation differs from showing approval. People have both wonderful and problematic facets, and it’s not always possible to show genuine approval of all aspects of your partner’s personality. Instead, validation comes from showing that you understand and accept who they are without judgment.
That’s not always easy, but it’s a useful – and very loving – thing to practice in a relationship, so we’re here to help. *fist bump* Here, we’ll discuss some ideas for validating a partner with the Defender (ISFJ) personality type based on some likely behaviors associated with their traits. But this is just a starting point – you can read more about Defenders and use that information to refine how you validate your partner’s unique manifestation of personality.
Want to explore your relationship further? Our premium Couple Analysis tool can help.
Defender Qualities to Validate
Love of Harmony
Defenders value harmony as a general theme throughout different areas of their lives. For them, harmony can mean a sense of belonging among others and, sometimes, a sense of pressure to conform. But for your Defender partner, it’s also about having a sense of order to their life and environment. Defenders seek harmony as a framework that supports both joy and accomplishment, and they tend to see it as beneficial to everything that’s important to them.
Accordingly, Defenders typically feel a deep sense of satisfaction when they can create harmony. They’re not the boldest or most forceful personality type, but they love to shape things according to their values and tend to be quite diligent. In real life, that can look like anything from investing in warm relationships to focusing on goals or simply living in a tidy, organized manner. When you understand how much your partner values harmony, you may notice all the ways they strive to achieve it – and how disturbed they can be in its absence.
Validation here means showing acceptance for that facet of your loved one’s personality. You can acknowledge their priorities and give them the freedom to pursue harmony with their own methods. You can also notice when your partner struggles to meet their own standards and offer nonjudgmental understanding to support them. You may even want to go beyond validation and offer approval and assistance – if it doesn’t conflict with your own needs too much. It can be very rewarding to fall into step with a Defender and see where you can go together.
Your Defender partner will feel very affirmed when you show that you recognize and respect their need for harmony. You can also keep in mind that, for your partner, harmony with you is a top priority. So when you two disagree, be sensitive to the fact that disagreement itself may feel more destabilizing to a Defender than it does to many personality types. Focusing on core aspects of the bond that you share – and its continuity – is a great way to validate (and resolve problems with) your Defender partner.
Acknowledging Affection
Did you know that most Defenders tend to show affection through actions more often than words and that they worry about how their affection will be received? For such willful personalities, many Defenders are hesitant to do anything that could impose on others. They may be reluctant to fully communicate what’s on their minds, even when it’s as wonderful as love, respect, or care, and it may not always be easy to encourage them to be more communicative.
Luckily, validating your Defender partner’s affection can begin with just deciding to notice it in all its forms and to respond with warm appreciation. For Defenders, even basic or practical actions can be very much driven by love, and chances are your partner does a lot of everyday things either because they know you like them or think you’ll like them. When you let them know that you’re aware of and value those efforts, it’s both validating and deeply satisfying for them.
However, validation isn’t only about acknowledging warmer feelings – it’s also about showing understanding and acceptance for your Defender partner’s communication style. You may prefer more overt affection or feel that your partner is too reserved in showing their feelings, depending on your personality. But while your needs are certainly important, you may want to think twice about forcing your partner past their limits. Too much pressure can feel like an invasion of privacy, and they may simply shut down instead.
To ensure that affection and communication flow freely between you, it’s important that your individual styles of showing affection are respected and allowed to flourish. That may require a little adjustment and effort on both your parts, an investment your Defender partner will likely be willing to make when you lead the way by making them feel validated.
Engagement Style
Compared to many other personalities, Defenders tend to have a focused, low-key way of engaging in experiences. They prefer to have a decent picture of what’s coming before it happens, and a lot of their enthusiasm and confidence is based on having solid expectations. You may notice that your Defender partner puts a lot of effort into planning and isn’t all that thrilled when unforeseen things arise. For Defenders, unexpected events can seem more negative than they really are, and adapting to them can be an unwelcome energy drain.
Your shared life probably reflects your partner’s engagement style, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Defenders tend to be responsible, and their calm, efficient way of engaging in experiences can bring success, especially when multiple people or critical elements (travel times, reservations, etc.) are involved. Validating your Defender partner can simply look like going along with their engagement style and energy level when you reasonably can.
If you pay attention, you’ll learn your partner’s boundaries – things like too many people and too little predictability can make them less enthusiastic about participating in events and activities. They’ll likely still be willing (Defender personalities are nothing if not accommodating) but may carry some reservations with them. You can validate your partner by being aware of their mindset and attitude as you engage in experiences together, especially when they’re pushing their own boundaries.
That isn’t to say that you should insulate your partner from all stress – growth almost always requires discomfort. Most Defenders report wanting to be more confident and sociable, and engaging with unpredictable experiences is a good way to do that. Validation here might mean supporting your partner’s development – you can show that you understand their feelings as they challenge their boundaries and also offer acceptance when they hit their limits.
Defenders tend to derive security from a sense of control, yet they may also discover that unpredictable experiences can lead to a lot of joy and excitement. Your nonjudgmental presence can help your partner be happy and confident as they choose what they want to do and how they do it.
Conclusion: Supportive Presence
Defenders place immense value on their romantic partners, the very relationship itself forming a kind of supportive structure they rely on. That means that you’re an important source of support for your partner, which can be a great thing. Everyone has virtues and forgivably human foibles, and when you validate your partner’s personality, it helps them appreciate themselves.
Keep in mind that validation and approval are different things, each valuable in its own way. Your Defender partner will certainly love it when you offer your sincere praise and admiration, but offering understanding when things are less than ideal can be just as powerful, because it says that your care and attention aren’t only tied to their admirable qualities. Instead, they’ll feel loved for all of who they are.
Further Reading
- So You’re Dating a Defender (ISFJ)
- Learn more about yourself, your partner, and your relationship by taking our Intertype Test. (Premium resource.)
- That Thing You Bring to Love
- The Courageous Defender (ISFJ)