Giving your partner emotional validation is important in a romantic relationship. But the idea of giving validation can go beyond your partner’s emotional experience – you can also validate their expressed personality. Your personalities significantly affect your shared day-to-day life, and how you respond to each other’s traits can make a big difference in your relationship.
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Perhaps surprisingly, validation isn’t necessarily approval or praise. Those things can be validating, but validation mainly consists of understanding and acceptance. Approval is a great thing to share joyfully with your partner (and we’ll cover some of that), but validation is something that you can offer in less-than-ideal moments. In fact, it can be especially beneficial when you’re not entirely happy with each other by helping your partner feel like you embrace the wholeness of their being, not just the parts that are easy to love (and live with).
So let’s consider how you can validate your Mediator (INFP) partner’s personality based on some common behaviors of that personality type. These ideas are just starting points, and you can adapt your approach to your partner’s uniqueness as well as look for other personality aspects to validate.
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Mediator Qualities to Validate
Powerful Imagination
“Wouldn’t it be cool if…” might be something that you’re familiar with your Mediator partner saying right before launching into grand ideas or curious considerations. Wondering about possibilities near and far is a common outlet for Mediators’ mental energy, and ideas can occur to them at any time in response to almost anything. They enjoy embarking on a creative journey in the form of a dreamy (or starry-eyed) conversation, exploring possibilities both fantastic and feasible.
To some partners, this can seem like wasted energy or just idle daydreaming. Mediators have a tendency to come up with more thoughts and ideas than they actively pursue, and investing in imagination and theory isn’t to everyone’s taste. But as a partner to a Mediator, it’s important for you to realize that their thoughts stem from sincere inspiration and hope. Imagining is a crucible from which Mediators strive to draw motivation and do great things.
When they voice ideas or perceptions to a romantic partner, it’s an invitation to participate in a mental exchange that’s important to them. If the response that they get is dismissive, bored, or an exhortation to “be more realistic,” it can give them the impression that their interests or thoughts are somehow wrong. Validating your Mediator partner means engaging with them in discussing their ideas, observations, and imagination as if they matter – because they do. Even when it’s not linked to concrete action or significant priorities, the exercise of imagination satisfies Mediators. It’s part of their personality.
However, validating your Mediator partner’s imaginative mind doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with them when you don’t. You can ask cheerful questions, ride along on their train of thought, and try to understand their perspective, regardless of what you think. It can be tough to resist the urge to offer constructive criticism, play devil’s advocate, or simply voice your opinion, but while those are appropriate things to do in the right context, they’re not a part of offering validation.
Your Mediator partner will appreciate you taking the time to go on a mental journey with them in a receptive way, where you don’t give judgment or opinions. Validation here is more about saying, “That’s interesting, tell me more” – and working to understand their thinking. They may ask for your opinions or feedback, and that’s fine, but initially, your role can be more passive. Being consistently heard with interest and respect – no matter what they want to talk about – will help your Mediator partner see how much you value them.
Your efforts to validate your partner’s imagination can also include praise and approval when their imagination seems to be heading in healthy, productive directions. When you sense that your partner is on the cusp of acting on an idea, you can pour on the affirmation to give them a positive boost toward their goal. Note that this applies to whatever is important for their happiness, more than what you think they should do.
Shifting Focus
Given their vibrant imaginations and open-minded curiosity, Mediators often find their enthusiasm changing from one thing to the next. Inspiration or desire might pull them in a different direction, even when they’re pursuing something important to them. While most Mediators learn to handle their responsibilities well, they may sometimes struggle to maintain genuine enthusiasm for something that they’d rather be done with.
That may lead them to not follow through on an intention or goal as completely and thoroughly as they meant to. It can also mean that they have a hard time sticking to schedules and meeting deadlines, at least compared to many other personality types. Those behaviors can have some negative real-world results at times, but an even more serious effect can be negative self-perception on the part of your Mediator partner. Chances are they see themselves as lacking focus and motivation and wish that they were better at finishing what they start.
It’s very important for romantic partners to take great care in how they approach each other’s (potential) personality flaws. On one hand, you can be each other’s best support when it comes to personal growth and improving your individual habits. On the other hand, supporting that growth requires discussing the problematic behaviors in the first place. That can be a delicate matter, because it’s disheartening when your partner acknowledges things that you don’t like about yourself.
No matter where your Mediator partner is on the spectrum of distractibility, your priority for validation can be safeguarding their self-image. If your partner occasionally suffers from a lack of focus, they may become frustrated with themselves. But you can try to help them see their personality traits as part of who they are rather than as flaws. If Mediators are sometimes easily distracted, the flip side of that is their remarkable adaptability and ready enthusiasm to try new things.
All personality traits have potential upsides and downsides. It can be very validating to be reminded of how those positive aspects help our lives and that, if they generate a few problems as well, that’s something that people can work on and grow beyond. The downsides of personality are not necessarily permanent. It can also be very helpful for Mediators to hear that while there may be a few life priorities that require dedication, having a frequently shifting focus is a perfectly valid lifestyle.
You can validate your Mediator by showing acceptance and expressing support when they change their focus (at least when it doesn’t create serious negative consequences). If they want to try a new hobby every week, don’t finish a book that they’re reading, or don’t make dinner on time, it doesn’t need to be a problem. And even when it is, it doesn’t have to feel like a problem. Calm, reasonable, pragmatic reactions are one of the most powerful relationship skills for any personality type to practice.
Validation here can look like you adopting an easygoing attitude and focusing on the joyful outcomes that you can create together – even if they’re sometimes unexpected or require some problem-solving. Your responses to events will have a powerful effect on your Mediator partner’s feelings. Criticism won’t accomplish much, nor will allowing them to feel bad about what they see as their failures. Instead, you can offer validation in the form of forward-looking optimism: “Things are fine, and we can roll with them together.”
Fun and Enjoyment
Did you know that more than one in four Mediators say that, if they could choose just one thing to base a romantic relationship on, it would be “fun and enjoyment of life”? That’s second only to “reliability and trust” (which is the most popular response among all personality types) and above things like physical attraction, intellectual parity, and spiritual connection. So, what does that mean in terms of your partner and validating their personality?
It might mean consciously trying to make room for lighthearted novelty when you spend time together. Validation doesn’t just have to be something that you offer in response to a situation or momentary need on your partner’s part. It can be something that you undertake consistently throughout your relationship. It’s saying, “I understand your personality and acknowledge the needs that stem from it.” For Mediator partners, some of the greatest sources of joy are novelty and discovery – in other words, happy surprises and chasing intriguing unknowns.
Of course, big, planned things like a trip can fit that bill, but you can also validate your Mediator partner’s need for novelty in much smaller, more frequent ways. It might look like not telling them where you’re taking them for dinner or just bringing home a small gift and making them wait to open it (but not for too long). Or introduce an unfamiliar element to one of their personal interests, like a new material for an artist, novel ingredients for a cook, or a book on an unexplored topic for a reader.
Basically, any way that you can offer them a little dose of curiosity, anticipation, or discovery can cater to their Mediator personality. It can validate their need to explore life and stimulate their creativity.
You can also share in the unknown together by trying things that are unfamiliar to both of you. This may be more or less comfortable for you, depending on your personality type, but your partner will probably appreciate it greatly, including the ramp-up when they get to wonder about all the fun ways that it might turn out. You might not be quite as enthusiastic but can enjoy seeing the joy created when you validate and act on your partner’s preference for spontaneity and novelty.
However, one of the most significant ways that you can validate your Mediator partner’s love of fun is when you are not the creator of an opportunity, but the reactor. (It’s probably the role you’ll find yourself in more often.) Chances are your partner often expresses (sudden) interest in something, leaving you to decide on your willingness to join or approve of the experience. In understanding and accepting (the core of validation) the needs associated with your partner’s personality, you can also recognize how much joy can come from you just saying yes.
Conclusion: Listening to Your Partner’s Inner Voice
The art of offering your partner validation is the art of understanding their inner thoughts and feelings. The best way to do that is often through honest communication, direct experience, and time. When it comes to validating their personality, there’s also a lot that you can see and learn on your own. For starters, our materials can help you understand your partner’s personality type on a deeper level. You may not be able to hear your partner’s inner voice, but you can learn their habits, preferences, what makes them happy, and what challenges them.
It may all sound intimidating, but being a validator is something that you can just practice as you go, and it’s one of the best ways to build a deep, loving relationship with your partner. It doesn’t require being perfect or omniscient or making grand gestures, just being willing to set aside judgment and really focus on the person you love. They’ll show you who they are, including their personality traits. Then you can show them that you understand and accept their personality – and respect the needs that go along with it.
We’ve been discussing validating your partner’s personality, not their feelings (which are at least equally important, of course). You and your partner may have some personality conflicts, which is why validation is not based on approval or harmony but on understanding. You can’t sincerely praise your partner’s problematic personality traits, but you can honestly offer loving acceptance nevertheless. Validation is something that you can give even during difficult moments in your relationship, making it a universal benefit.
For most people, the idea that their partner understands and accepts their quirks and flaws is deeply reassuring – and might even make a difference in how they see themselves. In that sense, validation is one of the greatest things that romantic partners can offer each other.
Further Reading
- How confident and happy are you in relationships? Our Romantic Fulfillment Test can help you check in with yourself. (Premium resource.)
- So You’re Dating a Mediator (INFP)
- 7 Surprising Facts You Should Know about Mediators (INFPs)
- A Path to Peace: Resolving Relationship Conflicts with Feeling Personality Types